WEBVTT
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Is happy wife, happy life true?
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No.
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No, it's not true.
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Happy wife, happy life is not true.
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And the reason I say that is for a couple of reasons.
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But the number one is that there's gonna come a point where your partner is gonna be resentful and feel like I'm again, I'm coming 90, or I'm giving up 90, and you're only giving up 10.
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Where's the compromise?
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Right?
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And sometimes it, you know, we've all been there where something like festers, and it's almost like when something goes bad in the fridge, like at first it goes bad and like nobody knows.
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But like after a week, after couple weeks, like all of a sudden the smell, and it's like there's things living in there.
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It's like, wait a minute, this is really a problem.
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But like that's the way that it happens when you kind of continue to not express how you feel, express what your needs are, express what you want.
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So for me, I think it's and what we talk about, not just for me, but our approach has been happy spouse, happy house.
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So there's a world that exists where we both can be happy, you can be in a happy marriage or relationship and enjoy your partner's company, all of those things, but there is balance.
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Like there's things that we both give and take on.
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Right, which I think that even goes back to what I said earlier with like there are it's not gonna be 50-50 relationship.
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Now coming together equally yoked.
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Oh, yeah.
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So what's the difference?
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Well, what's the difference between the 50-50 part and being equally yoked?
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I'm just thinking for the person listening, they might be curious.
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Well, I think a good example is actually how we came into our relationship, which was we both were independent, we both kind of had our own things going on, we had great morals, values, uh, the way that we would treat people, we came from a servant leadership kind of mindset.
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But then when we came together, it was still like that.
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But it was there's gonna be times where you may need a little bit more attention or I may need a little bit more attention.
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And so it's not gonna always be 50-50 every single day.
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That's absolutely not the case at all.
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And so, and for example, right, even just as a woman, there are times where hormonally I may be a little, I may need a little bit more attention, or I may need a little bit more distance, even whatever sometimes that kind of comes about too.
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But I think with a happy wife, happy life, what that implies is that the household is going to be joyful and peaceful if the wife is happy.
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And that is absolutely not the case.
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It's if you both are happy, if you both are in a place where um, I don't know if contentment's the right word, but you're both in a place where I know that if I need something, you have my back, and vice versa.
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And I'm going to be giving just as much as you are giving.
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And when we need to do that may vary, but we're still we know, and then you start to get on kind of a little bit of a cadence of like, okay, I know your body language, I know, like I already I tell you sometimes with your eyebrows, I'm like, what's going on with your eyebrows?
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Are you mad?
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The brows can be the same thing.
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The brows will always say something giveaway.
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Yes, yes.
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So I think that um it also implies that the husband's happiness either doesn't matter or is not something that maybe as a wife I want to hear, which that can build resentment from men.
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I would think because it feels like I'm saying something and I'm expressing either my unhappiness or uh how I'm feeling about a situation, and you're shutting me down because you think that my happiness doesn't matter.
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Yeah, and I and I think to that point there can be certain things that you're like, I'm really gonna stand on that, that like I'm I really need you to be able to make sure that like that's a concession or that's something that you kind of give and take on.
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And I feel like that's something that's so communication focused, where if you're communicating, and I feel like for us, the the communication has evolved so much, and that's been such a huge blessing.
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Like so much.
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When I tell y'all it's evolved.
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Like, go ahead.
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Well, let me just quickly give some context.
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So when we s said that we met in the club, we were it was New Year's Eve.
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So I think I just turned 22 and you might have been 23.
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Because my birthday's in October, so it's later in the year.
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And, you know, so we're, you know, I was, you know, it having fun.
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I'm out with the girls.
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It's New Year's Eve.
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We're having a great time.
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And so we were young when we first met in that sense, and we had good communication because we did play team sports, we were also leaders in our uh employments as well, you know.
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Um, so we were able to communicate in that sense, but communicating with your partner about whether it's serious conversations or conversations that you don't want to have and you kind of avoid, that's very different than, you know, just being somebody who's, you know, we're natural leaders.
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And so we can communicate in those ways.
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But when you do have to communicate your emotions, your feelings, that is something that's very different.
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And you have to know how the other person is also going to receive the message.
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Just because I'm saying the message, sometimes if it comes from a certain messenger, you may not receive it.
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And um, so we started off by literally going into two separate rooms.
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Different corners.
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Different corners.
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Go to your side.
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Two separate rooms because you one thing I told you from the beginning, I've all I'm never, I'm not going back and forth with you.
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Like I'm not.
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I'm not.
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If you've got something to say, you can get it off your chest.
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I'm gonna sit over here and I'm gonna be quiet.
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And I know sometimes that kind of like riled you up a little bit, like got you even more hype.
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But I'm not gonna go back and forth with you because clearly we're not in the the mind space or uh the even the emotional space to be able to have this conversation.
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So let's go into our separate corners and it started off with just text messages, like just text me, and they used to be long paragraphs, like long, like I've got something to say.
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Let me tell you how I feel.
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Let me tell you how I really feel.
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Yes.
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So that's how first, like that was one of our first that I remember or how we had to kind of start really shifting our communication because at that time we were also living together too.
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So that was something that you're adding in that when you are living with somebody else, you're you're taking on also kind of how they live just on a day-to-day, whether it's like, do you have socks on the ground?
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Do you have like is this is the is the do you leave your plates everywhere?
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Like those are the small things, but then you start thinking big things like, oh shoot, we own a home, like we have a mortgage, we are we going to, you know, do the backyard and you know, you have bigger conversations that require you to have uh a different form of communication.
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100%.
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And to your point, I mean it's a fair call out because you know, I did take debate in college and I was ready.
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You were ready, and I'm not I'm not going back and forth with you.
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You want to go back and forth with that.
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You don't want to?
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Do you want to?
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Like, no.
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I potentially you were maybe used to that too.
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It's true.
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Conditioning and exposure.
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Conditioning and exposure, you were used to the back and forth, and I'm I have never been that person.
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I will literally just be quiet.
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I'm going to maybe say one or two things.
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And the silence, and I'm one of the people that don't do well with the silent treatment.
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Right.
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Because in my mind, it's like, oh, it's all over.
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Like you're literally gonna pack up and you're you're getting ready to leave because you got nothing left to say.
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So let me just already in my mind.
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That's right, that's right.
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That like this might this might this might be it.
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Like it's over with, you know, like this this was the last straw.
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This is it.
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This is it.
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This is it, you know, and so it might have been over some some dishes, yeah.
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Like something super minor.
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Like so minor.
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Like, hey, did you like you're gonna be gone.
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Like, but to your point, right, working through some of those things, and for me, writing it out was so much was so helpful.
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And this might be a tip for somebody too.
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Like, if you find yourself maybe that your tone elevates, which these are all things sometimes, like also how you raise your household, yes, how maybe you saw your parents talk to each other.
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Absolutely, but like if your voice starts, your tone starts to get a little bit right, tone is elevating, right?
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Bassing your voice getting a little bit more intense.
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I don't know who you're doing.
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It's getting more intense, right, with the dialogue, and you're like, okay, wait a minute.
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This isn't the most productive way for the conversation to happen.
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It's not effective communication.
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And the other part though, too, was not focusing on winning the argument and making sure that we're winning in our relationship.
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Period.
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Because you could win the argument.
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There's times where I was like, you know what?
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I'll tell you.
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I'm gonna win this.
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You know what?
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I just I just absolutely won that argument.
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And then I'm like, man, we supposed to go out to dinner tomorrow and like be out with friends and like family.
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And like, I you know, we're gonna have to play that role in here and act like everything.
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And I'm not the one.
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You know, I'm not.
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I don't know.
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I'm not the one, it's all over my face.
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I like the memes on um IG will say, like, resting.
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Oh, oh, when you wear your expressions on your face, and it's like, oh shoot, oh, you can see my face.
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And I and I'm gonna play that role.
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I'm like, hey, let me meet you, my wife.
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And she's like, I'm not high.
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Maybe it's a Scorpio and me.
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I'm not sure.
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I'm not the one.
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I'm not the one.
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All of a sudden I'm in the car, like, hey, are we are we good?
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Are we are are we on the same page?
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So no, I I really feel that because the texts allow me to also like write it out and then reel it back in.
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And then now That's true.
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Because you're seeing what's in your head and your thoughts, and it's like, oh, you know what?
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That might actually be a little too harsh.
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That might not be again effective.
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Correct.
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So let me backspace, backspace, backspace, and then maybe rewrite it.
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And then shout out to Grammarly because I hit Grammarly and then it'll tell me your tone.
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Disapproving.
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I'm here for the tone.
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Disapproving, angry.
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I was like, who, me?
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Me?
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Me?
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Yes.
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I was like, let me let me change this to uplifted.
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Uplifted.
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Positive criticism.
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Positive criticism.
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Loving.
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I was like, okay, this is what I want the message.
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Admire it.
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Admire it.
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This is what I want the message to be.
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This is what it was.
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Yes.
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So like there had to be some, and so, but going to the separate corners, because I think that so many times people don't go on that discovery of like what works best for us.
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Right.
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It doesn't have to be what worked best for somebody else.
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It does not.
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Every relationship is different.
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It's a chew on the meat, spit out the bone type of situation.
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What does that mean?
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What does that mean?
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It means you can listen to somebody talk and you can even listen to this podcast.
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There are going to be some pieces that resonate with you that you can then apply to your marriage or your relationship.
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And then there may be some other things where it's like, that doesn't work for me.
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And that's fine.
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You, whatever works for your relationship, that's what you should do.
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Don't worry about what's on somebody else's plate because you need to be worried about what's on yours.
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That's true.
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Just period.
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Yeah.