Episode 79: This Is Why Most Online Mental Health Tips Are Wrong

Diagnosing Partners Through TikTok

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Have you used TikTok therapy speak to diagnose your partner?

SPEAKER_01 0:06

I think I've used it to diagnose a few people.

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Diagnose a few people. There is a new kind of viral backlash that's happening when it comes to therapy speak and on TikTok or just social media platforms of people that are not qualified to speak about uh labels. And so therefore, we've seen a lot of people, you know, diagnosing their partner with actually without actually having clinical advice.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Happens all the time. I feel like it's just like WebMD.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Right.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

You get a cough all of a sudden. I don't know what I don't know what I don't know. I don't know what.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

Is this a whooping cough? What is this? Is this COVID? What is it?

SPEAKER_01 0:53

You know? So I think it's that same type of deal.

Microlearning Versus Misinformation

SPEAKER_01 0:55

I think to your point though, is it a licensed professional? I think so often, you know, and that's the problem that can happen with social media, is that there's the positive, which is we can get this access to great information, micro learning, 30 seconds. I get a takeaway. This is an example, this is what it's called. That's perfect. But then the person that's delivering it might have no credentials.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

No credentials.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

They're just saying anything.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Okay. So then you're leading me down the road of Dr. Cheyenne Bryant.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

We want to, here's the first thing. We want to support all professionals in their business and being successful. So that's first.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Especially black professionals.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Absolutely. And the other thing, too, is we also want to be able to give them that opportunity and platform to clear the air on anything. And I think there is a difference, right? When it's like, hey, show the show the credentials. And one thing we do know, people can't wait to, it is all people can't wait to have the receipts. If you have them, if somebody said you didn't run a marathon and you have that race photo or that medal, but more than you're sending it over in the group chat.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

They're ready to go look for the receipts. Okay. And I will do a deep dive all night.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

Come on. We're on the call.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

I'm gonna go back 25 years. Come on.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

We're on the call texting grandma, like, hey, can you send me that photo from graduation?

SPEAKER_00 2:14

Can you send it?

The Diagnose And Dismiss Trap

SPEAKER_00 2:16

So to your point, right, there is something that can be the diagnose and dismiss trap, where essentially, because we have much easier access to information, it can be an excess of information that's also not coming from uh a clinical psychologist or somebody that is in this profession that has the degree and the knowledge behind it. And so therefore, it gives people language to file their spouse away instead of staying curious. So, for example, it can be something where, oh, you know, my husband is an avoidant, so therefore I'm just gonna avoid him all night because he's in one of the moods, or he's just doesn't want to speak about something.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Yeah, I don't like avoidance.

SPEAKER_00 3:02

Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_01 3:03

You get to avoid me. I want to know for how long.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:06

You know, so but I'm But avoid that's an attachment style.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

So it is something that you have to first know is your attachment style, and then how can you rectify that?

SPEAKER_01 3:17

Absolutely. And I think too, for every example of maybe that person that's that's posting or sharing content that's not a professional, I think there's a lot of professionals that are doing an incredible job. Absolutely. Nijra Web, Dr. Nidra Webb talking about psychology, yes, relationships, but also I think a big factor that we've seen is Brene Brown. Dr. Brene Brown, we always, it's not always a challenge in the relationship between the spouse or between the couple. A lot of times it's the relationship with other outside factors, family, loved ones, etc., that could also play a role in the relationship that you're trying to figure out wait, am I seeing what I'm seeing? Is this it? How how do I name it? How do we call it what it is, but also how do we create boundaries and adjust around it? Because I think a lot of times that's missed of like, how do we actually implement so that the situation gets better? Because you don't want to have to miss Christmas or holidays or or have to avoid or feel like, man, it's just not healthy for my space or my peace to be in an environment.

Peace Means Partnership

SPEAKER_00 4:16

Yeah, speaking of which, the self-help to self-centered pipeline. Oh protecting my peace, like you just mentioned, yeah, has quietly become permission to opt out of repair. Peace isn't the absence of conflict, it's the presence of partnership.

SPEAKER_01 4:36

Yeah, so I love the presence of partnership. I think one of the things about the self, you don't want to ever like the idea of being self-centered or something being about self is isn't what you want. But there are times, i.e. when you're on an airplane, they say secure your mask first before you get to fixing everybody else's mask. And I know for me, I felt like I I had to be the glue in a lot of situations where like I'm trying to get everybody else's mask together, their seatbelt, their things, when it's like, wait, how are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 5:06

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:07

What is it, what does peace look like for you? What does my experience want to be? What do I want my experience to be for the future and then for our family? So I think when you can look at it from the the aspect of how is this impacting my day-to-day? Am I happy? Do I enjoy it? If the titles were out of it, and this is for anybody.

Know Yourself Before You Label

SPEAKER_01 5:24

I think this is one of those things where it's like, ask the hard question. If you took the title away of husband, wife, mom, dad, whoever, like how do I feel about this person? No title.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Absolutely. And the other thing too that I love we mentioned is, you know, peace isn't the absence of conflict, because that's what you can think when you think of peace. Peace, no conflict, right? That would be the opposite. It's actually the presence of partnership. And when you think about partnership, it is both of us being able to come to the table, talk about, hey, you know, have you read this book about attachment styles? Maybe this is something I'm gonna gift you and you can learn a little bit more about yourself. Because again, a lot of this, in my opinion, comes back to do you know yourself? And if you do know yourself, then you can explain to your partner, actually, this is the type of attachment style that I do have, or this is the some of the traits that I've noticed within myself that whether I want to improve those or keep some, I just want to be able to give myself the permission to be able to be vulnerable in this moment. Because a lot of what we're talking about too is being vulnerable, is being able to have that conversation with your spouse that isn't easy, that can be difficult, that can be, it feels funny, it feels weird, especially if you didn't grow up in an environment where you could talk about your feelings. And I know that's what a lot of millennials are dealing with right now, which is why we're seeing such a wave of gentle parenting because we weren't able to speak about our feelings. You have feelings, you know, kind of shut your mouth.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

Shut your mouth. Shut your mouth.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

Don't talk unless spoken to, speaking, spoken to, you know, and so we have some of those older children should be seen and not heard. Exactly. Where, you know, we're seeing that there is a new trend and a new wave of especially us as millennials that are becoming parents, where we know how we felt when we were told that, and we want to then change that for our kids and be present for them in a way that oftentimes we weren't uh didn't have that opportunity.

SPEAKER_01 7:25

And I think to the point that you just made, there's different versions of yourself. It's okay to evolve. Yes. Something we just talked about, you know, we talked about the five love languages, and you were like, so I know you have physical touch up there, but also I think you like receiving gifts a little bit more.

SPEAKER_00 7:38

No, that's number one. The way the the giddy up, the way that there is look at the smile on your face right now.

SPEAKER_01 7:46

I do have some things you love. I do have some things unopened. And here's the thing it could be a from your birthday, from my birthday. It's even as simple as like the candles we got. Oh my gosh. A fresh candle, like with little things. So I I do like, but it to that point, but they make a big impact, big impact. But if I had the mindset that, oh no, I can't have receiving gifts be one of my love languages because it didn't used to be or because that no, like you can evolve, but it's conveying it, it's sharing, it's being able to have the discussion. But also, do you have access to know what are the five love languages?

SPEAKER_00 8:21

Correct, correct. And access to that knowledge is more importantly what you're talking about. And so, like you said, right, Dr. Nidra, um, she does an incredible job. She was just on Oprah, for example. We have a few of her books that are talking about be boundaries, boundaries, but they are talking to about familial boundaries. I know we're mostly talking about the TikTok therapy speak as in terms of your partner, which it does help you in terms of your partner because you're again, you're getting to know yourself, you're getting to know your upbringing. And actually, hey, what I did learn or the way that I was taught is actually not the right way. And that it is okay for me to evolve and change my belief system if that's something that no longer serves me in this moment and with

How To Vet Credentials Online

SPEAKER_00 9:07

my partner. And when we talk about TikTok therapy speak as well, uh, there are some clinical psychologists that are on TikTok that I that you can find. Make sure when you're looking at their name, do they have their licenses at the end of their name? Can you go on LinkedIn and look them up, right? No, like in trust, taking that same framework when you are looking at a TikTok or just social media in general, and saying, first off, is this person qualified to say what they're saying? Or are they saying this just from a place about, hey, I've learned this and maybe this will help you? Cause I think there's two separate ways of looking at it, where there's somebody that's saying, I am a doctor and this is what I have gained from my knowledge and I'm gonna share with you. And these are the studies and the research to back it up, compared to this is something that I've learned along the way. And so therefore, I'm just gonna share what I've learned. Those are two different, very different ways of looking at quote unquote therapy or just something that can help you to be able to move further along in your life and really be able to continue to build that to can do it partnership that we always talk about. And so then we can go into boundaries versus the covenant, right? So therapy says to set a boundary, which we do believe in. But if you're talking about covenant and what we believe on the faith side, it's about you made a commitment to somebody. And so, therefore, if they even if they are an avoid, an avoidant or they have an attachment style that you don't necessarily uh vibe with at that time, because like you said, we evolved throughout our lives, then having that conversation, writing it down if you're not able to verbally say it, but being able to talk to your partner and if you feel safe enough to be able to express yourself, then to do that. Uh and it's about centering around the commitment that you all made of marriage and that this is lifelong, rather than I'm just gonna set a boundary with you, and that's how we're gonna move forward.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

Yeah, you know, even to that point, I think about not making the boundary something that goes beyond what that covenant is that you made. I just think about myself as well, you know, a little vulnerable moment, but I think about the fact that like I didn't really realize that like I can argue. You know, like I'm I'm up for a good debate.

SPEAKER_00 11:30

You are.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

I am up for a good debate. And so I didn't realize, you know, you don't really realize these things until later. You know, you get 10 years married and you're like, you know, wait.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

We agree on the same thing. We're just looking at it two different ways. The core, we agree.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

I did I did take some some debate in some uh pre-law classes at Howard as well. So I bring my A game can can go and defend my case, but to your point, not making it so we're on opposite sides, when you say we agree, for me, it almost again, it takes time, but it's like a registration, it's like an unlock of like, okay. Like, I don't need to argue my point. I don't need to keep beating the drum because we're on the same page. You get it. And even if you don't always agree with like, hey, this is what we need to do right now, you're like, I get it. I understand. And so just to me, even those things I think are real-time examples of like it happens in relationships all the time, and how do you work through them?

Experience Stories Versus Real Diagnosis

SPEAKER_01 12:32

Something else on a social media tip too, um, that came to my mind is it's important to have someone that has the knowledge, background, credentials, all of that. But there is also something different about the experience that you get when you hear someone sharing their first hand experience living through or going through something.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

I.e., why we see things go viral and somebody's in tears in front of the camera, like, I just went through this, I just dealt with this challenge, whatever it may be. In a perfect world, when it comes to diagnosing, though, your partner or trying to diagnose something, you want to have that combination of this is the therapy, like this is the clinical side of like the science backed, but then seeing wait, that also resonates with what I heard right here in the experience of what they said happened, right? Versus I'm just hearing somebody talking about their experience and they're throwing out labels and now You're a narcissist. Come on, I'm being gasless. Come on, you got a problem. You're the problem. You're the problem, and you never want to be pointing fingers. TikTok's ask. TikTok says you're the problem. You know, you send in the you sending people videos at work talking about this is why, you know, this is why there's no dinner for you. You know? Uh, so that was just what came to my mind too, is like seeing both because we do understand, right? That first-hand experience is nothing like it because they've experienced it and maybe you've gone through that challenge. But let's also do some more research before we just label or throw something out there that like this is what someone is is being classified as.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

Absolutely.

Influencer Hooks And Quiet Fraud

SPEAKER_00 13:59

And that can even go into the influencer complex, which is, you know, a lot of times you're hearing things that are more of a hook to try to get you to watch my content, i.e. clickbait potentially. For example, you know, he or she is a walking red flag, uh, is something that can be used. So rather than a tool, it becomes content. And that's when you can start getting, I feel like, into trouble when you start looking at, we even see it for uh health and wellness influencers on social media where they're all of a sudden doing, you know, a booty program because they're saying, Oh my gosh, look how I built my booty. Meanwhile, you you do some research and you find out, oh no, honey, you went down to Ecuador.

SPEAKER_01 14:43

The the the leg, the leg to hip ratios the outing.

SPEAKER_00 14:47

It's giving ant vibes, it's giving diaper. No, honey, we no, no, no, no. So that's when it starts becoming that content piece where you're misdiagnosing and all you use. You're saying this is how you do the leg routine, but you didn't do that leg routine to build to really to really build that muscle and and truly show that. And so when we start seeing some influencers that are using some of these hooks as content and clickbait, that's where it can get really, it can get a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

And now Dicey's putting it mildly. Really, uh really is fraudulent, is really what it is. And the reason why I say that is because we're seeing more and more people posting, and and I and we won't just use the fitness influencer and pick on one demographic. No, we're we're in the week. So that makes sense. I know, but we see it on the business side as well. This is how you make your first million dollars, and the person is like in a rented condo that's behind on payments, and they're telling you by their program.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

Or the people that were doing these schemes five, 10 years ago that now it's being revealed that, like, wait, you really weren't running a successful business. So I say that there's always this, let's really fact check and make sure that like it's it's real.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

Right. So to your point, right, looking at the credentials, like I mentioned, looking this person up on LinkedIn, looking up to are they board certified? Because that's a whole nother play as well that we're talking about too. How in depth is their knowledge?

SPEAKER_01 16:18

Are they certified at all?

SPEAKER_00 16:19

Are they certified at all, right? And those type of things, because when you start just again relying on influencers on social media or just people that are using their voice, but maybe using their voice thinking that this is the way and the only way, that's when it can get really dicey, like you mentioned, because now we're not taking into account the research, the science-backed information, the actual knowledge and schooling that you're getting, which is um ultimately, you know, in in some cases, if you're going that far, this is a passion. You want to be able to help people, you want to be able to make the this clinical information digestible so that others can learn some therapy talk, but don't take the therapy talk as no, this is exactly who this person is, and I box them into that category and I'm no longer curious about who they are because I've already put them into this box. And we see that a lot too with people that are on social media. It's like, no, I'm multi-hyphenated, like I can do multiple things, I don't just do one thing. And so I think it's just

Generational Shifts And The Block Era

SPEAKER_00 17:24

really interesting. Um, as we talk too about the generational pattern interrupts, we were talking about this a little bit uh earlier on the pod, but for example, right, we have boomer uh parents who are talking about suck it up. You stay at that job for 25 years, you don't leave. No, no, no. No matter how miserable it is, you stay there, you go to work every day, you don't take your PTO, you really are just stacking up, you know, put extra into your 401k. It's very much a system of almost denying yourself, in my opinion, a lot of times, but it's that suck it up, and you there's no excuses.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

It was a different era. I mean, how many days did your granddad work without missing a day?

SPEAKER_00 18:03

Yeah, he worked uh, it was 19 years.

SPEAKER_01 18:06

Never missed a day.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

As a truck driver in Manhattan. Never missed a day.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

Never missed a day, and was never late. And was never late. Just first off, it's people that haven't been working nine months that haven't been laid in the book.

SPEAKER_00 18:21

Well, they're also my he's not a boomer though, but yes.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

No, but I'm just using that as an example. He comes from the silent area of the book. No, but I'm saying, but that's the era that raised parents. And it was a different, even my granddad. I mean, he talks about like, what? I mean, I'm you know, I'm going up in the snowstorms, you know, fixing things on the on the you know, on the uh electro wire and things like that in Chicago. He's like, no excuse. What do you mean? It's freezing outside.

SPEAKER_00 18:44

It's freezing, but you have a job to do.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

Come on now, people, people's, you know, cable and and signals are down. That's true. You got to go up. So I just I think that perspective shift makes a huge difference too.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

Absolutely. So boomers say suck it up. Gen X are getting a little better right there, trying to communicate. We as millennials, and I talked about this a little bit earlier with the gentle parenting, is every feeling is a diagnosable condition. Sometimes it's too gentle.

SPEAKER_01 19:10

Some of the some some of the some of the gentle parenting is a little too gentle.

SPEAKER_00 19:13

It's a little too gentle. And you know, once we we take that step and we're able to speak more on that, we will. But millennials, every feeling is a diagnosable condition. So, millennials, we have to be a little bit more careful when we think about TikTok therapy. We also are one of the first generations that are in record numbers going to therapy. And so therefore, we're being diagnosed, but we were being diagnosed by a clinical psychologist. But then we think, oh, we have all this information. I've been going to therapy for however many years. I'm now my own expert. And it's like, okay, hold on, no, back up because you have some knowledge for sure because you've gone through your own experiences, like you mentioned, but you are not the clinical psychologist. And that person still needs to go and visit somebody that is a professional. And then we're seeing that Gen Z, it's just very simple. You're blocked. Period. Point blank.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

I haven't I haven't really seen, like to your point, like the blocking and no, the block, the blocking.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

I can only count.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

I can count on one hand how many phone numbers I've blocked in my life.

SPEAKER_00 20:16

100%.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Like phone, like if it's got to be really serious for me to block your for me to block you. Otherwise, I'm just gonna ignore you. Just don't don't hit me back. Or no re no response.

SPEAKER_00 20:24

When I tell you, uh, I'm talking to um one of my younger mentees, and she is the Gen Z range, the amount of times that she says, Oh, I blocked this person, but then I unblocked them because I felt like, you know, they didn't deserve it anymore. Or I blocked them on social on this platform, but I still have their phone number. The blocking's crazy on the social media platforms and on text.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

And I see that and I see to your point with the generation, no, no Abby. They don't want a photo like up in their app. Oh, no Abby. So you don't see their picture. It's like it's like a shadow of like an elbow.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

Right. The mystery. But Gen Z, they're very honed in on appearance. And so that makes a lot more sense of it's and we've been seeing it. This is just a really, we're gonna go random really fast. If you can quickly tell them, I mean, it was your cousin, but we were see, we're seeing this trend with these prom photos.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

Oh, yeah. I mean, these these prom photos and graduation photos. Graduation, and and I will say, it's giving, it's giving, you know what it's giving though? So I can't act brand new. It's giving my crazy sweet 16.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

My sweet 16.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

My sweet 16.

SPEAKER_00 21:28

I said my crazy because it looks crazy. On MTV, uh Tiana Taylor. People don't realize if you know Tiana Taylor, she was a skateboard girly. She was out there baggy or clothes, like real skateboard girl.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

So, anyways, you know, but I'm seeing the graduations. I, you know, I had a cousin just graduated back in Michigan, uh, you know, Catholic school, awesome. I mean, he's like a 4.0 student, super proud. I'm looking at the photo of the swipe over. I said, Oh man, these kids are Porsche.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

Porsche? What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_01 21:57

Even if it's rented, even if it's just for the weekends. We're setting the bar high.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

We're setting the bar high. And we're over here talking about therapy talk. What is their therapy gonna have to look like later in life when, oh, a regular job, which there's there's dignity in every in every job that you're doing that maybe that you're working with, maybe driving in Acura. You drive an accurate, but now am I less than because I drive in Acura? Am I am I taking myself men specifically? Am I taking myself out of the game until I make more money so that I can get the woman that I'm looking for or the partner that I'm looking for? And just for and just for what's the therapy gonna look like for these Gen Z kids?

SPEAKER_01 22:31

And and and I met you. I was on the Honda Accord.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

And the Maybach.

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Come on now. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:35

Maybe back from Wayback.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

And I'm not talking about a real Maybach. That was just nickname. That was a nickname. That's my nickname Doctor.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

Doctor. I thought that was your nickname.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

This episode is being brought to you by Coupley Fit here at the one and only Backlot Studios. Make sure you come check it out. We're here in Phoenix. Can't wait to uh have you guys check out more episodes.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

Absolutely. So now as we wrap up this therapy speak talk and the backlash that's coming from TikTok and social media, overall, we just want to mention that it is not a diagnose and dismiss trap.

Key Takeaways And Closing CTA

SPEAKER_00 23:13

We don't want to self-help to self-centered. Uh, we want to make sure that, yes, we're creating boundaries, but understanding that we created a covenant and made a commitment to each other. So therefore, we're gonna continuously stay curious. The influencer complex, where it's more about content and the hook and the quote unquote walking red flag, but making sure that you are going to a clinical psychologist to get the proper diagnosis. And then all the generational pattern uh interrupt that we're seeing happening as we are gaining more information and have access to more information, that we can really be able to open up more conversations with not only our partners, but our parents, our grandparents, and even our kids, and really understanding that because we have more access to information doesn't mean all information is good information. And so being very mindful of do you know, like trust, finding out again, do they have the certification and the credentials to be able to be talking about this? Are they board certified? Are they practicing uh and have the years of experience to be able to talk about what they're talking about and just being very mindful of those things? So thank you so much, Coupley Fit fam, for listening to another episode. If you are following us on YouTube, please like and subscribe. If you're not following us on social media, you should be. It's at Coupley Fit C O U P L E Y F I T. See you next time. Keep growing, glowing, and feeling better together. Bye.