Episode 82: Is Your Phone Getting More Attention Than Your Spouse?

Social Media And Marriage Tension

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome back to the Coupley Fit podcast. We are your host, Kurt and Deanna Mingham II. We are also the founders of Coupley Fit, where we help couples create generational health. So today we are, it's a spicy topic today. We are talking about is social media quietly hurting your marriage.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

What do you think?

SPEAKER_02 0:24

What do you think?

SPEAKER_01 0:26

For some people it is.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Some people it is.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

For some people it is. It is. It is.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

It is.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Because I think that social media can't, it can be a di it can be a distraction on one. It can be an opportunity on another, right?

SPEAKER_02 0:39

What type of opportunity?

SPEAKER_01 0:40

Well, I'm saying we use it for our business. So business, we're using also LinkedIn, different platforms. So you can use it for that. But also, I mean, social media can be a distraction.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

Yeah. Absolutely. Do you think that you should scroll together or scroll alone?

SPEAKER_01 0:57

I think that. So first off, you're gonna scroll alone.

unknown 1:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

It's just the nature of the beast. Like, unless you're literally glued at the hip, there's gonna be times where you're doing your own separate scrolling. In an ideal scenario, you're sharing and you're doing some scrolling together. So, like if I think about our text thread, like you'll see links from TikTok, IEG. Right. Like I was about to send you something before we came and filmed this episode. They had somebody's uncle going down a slide and had the water all in his nose, face like a water slide. Yeah, like at a at a water park. But like, um, you typically typically see the kids, but he literally like he is trying to be a kid. Yeah, both his sandals and his hands, like it was the funniest video. But to me, like I was scrolling by myself, but I shared that with you. So, like, I think there's this balance where ideally, like, you are sharing. I mean, I would think about us like going way back. We used to watch the vine comps.

SPEAKER_02 1:47

I was literally just gonna get into that. I was like, no, we there were times where, especially on the weekends, right? We were a little bit younger and we were just taking our our time, kind of doing the slower morning, and we would literally be in bed probably about for an hour. Vine comps. Um, you know, this is our world star.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

We could define what the vine comps are for those that are like listen, like what's a vine comp?

SPEAKER_02 2:09

Well, first off, if you don't know the vine comp is this ain't for you. Come on now.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

I'm just like come on now.

SPEAKER_02 2:13

I'm just like, but the vine competitive. Yeah, I feel like Vine was almost the original TikTok in a way. Don't you think?

SPEAKER_00 2:19

For sure. For sure. For sure. It was basically TikTok. It was basically TikTok.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Come on now.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Short form, short form, funny content, funny content, yeah, the virality of it.

SPEAKER_02 2:28

Yeah, and then BC Days, which is before Christ. Yes. We were having our world star hit the game. Don't judge me.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

There's a time if you if you know, you know. Somebody yells up world star, you kind of look around.

SPEAKER_03 2:38

Like, oh no, I don't want to be in it.

SPEAKER_02 2:40

No.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

What's going on out here? What's going on?

SPEAKER_02 2:44

Um, so we did scroll for for a little bit, and that was a great opportunity for us to in

Scrolling Alone Versus Together

SPEAKER_02 2:50

one way have quality time because we were looking, we were laughing so hard.

SPEAKER_01 2:55

Well, can we talk about the one that we laugh at right now?

SPEAKER_03 2:58

What?

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Typically on YouTube or Instagram, who's the comedian that we've been watching all the stuff.

SPEAKER_03 3:02

Mojo Brooks.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

Man.

SPEAKER_03 3:06

His crowd work is elite.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

His crowd work is elite, but there's certain people that are just naturally funny. And he, I we knew he was naturally funny. I didn't know he was a comedian when we saw him as an actor on the one Tyler Perry show. It was like uh secretary, uh governor, secretary.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

Uh Governor?

SPEAKER_01 3:23

It was one of the shows on Netflix. But we saw it, and I feel like he made the show. Like he single-handedly No, he was funny. He was single-handedly hilarious. Like I would be like, Man, they gotta give him some more roles or scenes because dude is hilarious. Y'all better pay that man. You gotta pay that man. So then seeing him do his stand-up and do his crowd work and engage, like it is absolutely hilarious. But those are things that we watch together that I think are great.

SPEAKER_02 3:46

Yes. So to you to your point, you're essentially saying that there can be some scroll together time if that also does equal a little bit of quality, quality time. Because we do need laughter right now. Laughter is medicine. I I I hands down believe that. I think something for us that we've all that we've always connected on to is comedy.

SPEAKER_04 4:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

Um, I'll never forget one of the first videos you ever sent me when we first started dating. It was during the summer in Arizona. So we're talking blazing 100 plus degrees, and it was a world star video. And remember, it was the sister that was sitting in front of it, like she had like five fans around her. She said it's hotter than devil's toenails in here.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

Oh, I do remember that video. I do remember that video.

SPEAKER_02 4:25

That was so funny. That was funny. So that I think ended up working out for us. Question for

Laughter As Real Connection

SPEAKER_02 4:30

you Do you think that you should stay private or you should post? Whether it's about your family, whether it's about your relationship. Do you feel like people should have access to you in that way? Or do you feel as if that's something that you should keep private?

SPEAKER_01 4:44

So I would say it's case by case.

SPEAKER_02 4:46

I agree.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

Case by case. Yeah. Like I think there's this is literally the epitome of I can't tell you how to do things in your house or what works for your relationship or your marriage. What works for us, again, we started a business 10 years ago. So when we got married, we also started a business. And we also are like more social media savvy than the average person. And so, like, but for me, like I was on Facebook heavy.

SPEAKER_02 5:08

Like, you're not necessarily heavy. It was giving my space.

SPEAKER_01 5:13

Where are my Facebook folks at? And I'm gonna tell you what's crazy. I remember the one, I remember one of the photos I first sent you. South Beach had the button-down, had the blue button-down t-shirt on, you know, side profile.

SPEAKER_04 5:24

Come on, first Caesar.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

First Caesar. Gotta have the waves hitting. Come on now. I think I might have a I might even have I might have even had a cigared one. Just bite it, don't light it. That was one of the Facebook pics back in the day. Didn't even like cigarette. Didn't they know? Dominican poppy.

SPEAKER_02 5:50

You can't wait. So, but let me remember when you're in Massachusetts and you were visiting uh my family, and we went to go play or bowling. We went bowling with my cousin, and there was a family next to us. Then they were asked Kurt, do you speak Creole? He was like, huh, what? My cousin came up to me. She's like, girl, they think he's Dominican. They ask if he's pre-Creole. And Kurt, we he came back. He's like, No, I don't speak any. He turned around and looked at us and was shout out to all my shout out to all my brothers and sisters out there.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

You know? Come on now. All I need to learn is a little Creole.

SPEAKER_02 6:21

Granddaddy did think that y'all were from uh not Turks and Kigos.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

Where was it from? Uh something. Something. I had to do the ancestry. I gotta I gotta find out, though. I don't know if they got all my Native American roots in there. But I want to ask.

unknown 6:33

Stop.

SPEAKER_03 6:34

Stop. Not every black person thinks that they have some Native Americans, some indigenous roots in them.

SPEAKER_01 6:38

Come on, a little black Blackfoot. But on the side note, I want to ask Privacy verse posting. Yeah, I want to get your feedback and then what is where do you think those differences are between the hey, you should post this. Maybe it's Valentine's Day or anniversary or whatever.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

That's true.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Versus this should be private. Maybe it's your kids' faces. Like I just I love your perspective.

SPEAKER_02 6:59

Yes. So I think a few things. I think number one, whatever you post on social media is going to receive some sort of opinion. So if you don't want an opinion on it, then don't post it, is what I would say. Um, so I know some people they choose to not post their relationship because they don't want an opinion on it and they want to stay private in that area. Completely understand.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

Or they're parenting. Parenting. I'm like you see people post their parenting, like I got my kid out disciplined. They're running three miles for like people are like, yo, is that this is extreme? Are you a military sergeant?

SPEAKER_02 7:30

Everything that you post. Everything the zoom in culture, all the things, it's He's making them run with no shoes. Come on, it's it's a bit too much. So that's number one. You will be judged on everything that you post, is number one. Number two, in my personal opinion, when it comes to kids, I think it's a very it can be case by case for sure. I know you and I have had conversations about potentially not showing our kids' faces when we do decide to move forward because there's a few things. Number one, the the the internet's not a great place. Um, people are pulling your kids' photos and they're using them for the wrong reasons. That is very true. Something to be mindful of. So something to be mindful of is number one. And then number two, your kids also didn't ask for this. So although we may, for our business and for us being a little bit more forward-facing in that way, we chose to do this. Our kids didn't consent to this. So I think that's just something else that we've been kind of playing around with and talking about because people are also very scary where we've heard people coming up to kids' schools, calling them by their name because they saw it on social media. I know that. I can't. Too scary, can't do it.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

But also, I was just gonna say it reminds me also of, you know, they had some of the Netflix specials that were like extreme documentaries, also of like how you have to be mindful of, like, like you said, the kid didn't ask to necessarily be inside the in the content or be, you know, be be shown in the footage. You know, don't want to be Joe Jackson.

SPEAKER_02 8:57

Not Joe Jackson. I'm just saying, I know you're going to the Drewski kit. I know you are.

SPEAKER_03 9:02

I know you are.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

That's so that's a perfect example of scrolling together. I did show you that. Joe Jackson, you know, you don't want to be like, no, you're gonna sing. No, you're gonna dance to these you're gonna dance to the soundtrack. You're like, wait, why am I doing not concentrating? Why am I doing TikTok videos because you want me to go viral, dad? Right.

SPEAKER_02 9:18

And if you bring in some money, is that money in my bank account or is that in your bank account?

unknown 9:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 9:22

Uh, and then also I think when it comes to the privacy piece as well, when it comes to your relationship, a few things. Number one, there are people that feel like you need to post me every birthday, every Valentine's Day, every Christmas, all of these things. I think that if you are having those moments together, social media is fake. Social media is for the world, social media is front-facing, highlight real, what you want other people to see. But if behind the scenes, it's actually like, no, we're having that quality time, we're we're having deeper conversations, we're doing the actual in real life work, then I don't necessarily feel like you always have to post on every like your anniversary, you're this, you're that. Uh, that's personally how I feel. I know everyone doesn't necessarily feel that way, but I personally believe like if if you're posting on social media for everybody else, that's the wrong reason. You really need to be, it needs to be in real life. This is exactly how it is when you meet us in person. Because how many times have we heard, oh my gosh, I I had this person that I really look looked up to on social media and I met them in person and I was disappointed. Right? We've we're fortunate enough that we've had the opposite of that, where people are actually like very excited and they're they're saying you're even more, it's kind of better in person. And but we do that because we work on each other in real life.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Yeah, if they're like basically in most cases, you're not getting a glimpse of what is happening in real life. You're getting like this is the facility, like a perfect.

SPEAKER_02 10:47

And this is what we want to share.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

And here's a perfect example that I think about. You know, we went out to went out to a great dinner to celebrate, uh, recent award, went out to uh Elliot's. Yeah, yay! Yay, yay. Went out to Elliot's, and we saw, you know, we took a beautiful photo, right? When we got in, which some of that's just you know, content captured a moment, which we love. And we saw some other couples get a photo, but like after we took that photo, come on now, our phones are down. Like we're having dinner, we're talking about the week, we're talking about just different things. We're looking around, man. This couple, it's somebody with the baseball game.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

Baseball game. I was really and you know, I say something every time. I get very upset about that.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

I get very upset, and also it would be different if y'all both were watching. I mean, wife is just sitting there staring at my man, and he's literally She's looking around the restaurant, she's looking back at other people.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

I'm so it hurts my heart.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

That was one table, and these are different age couples. The other table, dude, is just on his phone, on his phone, texting underneath the table, can't stand it.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

Because what are you doing? It's giving, I don't trust you. It's giving, we're being shady. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

But to the point that you're saying, though, is in that scenario, maybe you didn't take a photo, you didn't post anything, but what's the real life interaction?

SPEAKER_02 11:56

What's the real life interaction? Come on now. Stop.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

Stop, don't

Privacy Posting And Kids Online

SPEAKER_01 12:00

do it just for the gram.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

Don't do it for the high. Don't do it just for the gram. Come on now. Facts. No one has time. So you kind of touched upon it, but you said kind of screen free. What do you think of screen-free evenings or maybe a something that we actually really like that we saw on social? So this is why I do appreciate people who are willing to post certain things and share their journey. There was a family and they do screen-free hour.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

I love that.

SPEAKER_02 12:25

Where everyone sits in the same room. We're living room kids or living room family, and we have no screens on. You can do whatever you want, though. You can read a book, you can play a game, you can color, you can journal, you can do whatever you want, but there will be no screens on. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

And also, what I love that also was nice about this family that shared this too, was that the kids can basically earn an extra hour before bedtime if it's not on screen time. So basically, typical bedtime is you know 7:30 or 8 o'clock. If you want, if you're like, no, I really want to stay up, you can stay up until nine. But again, it's not screens where you're just watching television, like you're doing more reading, or you're so I I do like building that family time in there. And it's something else that you said too was I like the evening walk. Like it's hot in Arizona now. So like it may be hard. That might be the only time. You gotta go out about that might be the only time.

SPEAKER_02 13:16

You gotta go out about 11 p.m.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

That might be the only time you can walk, but just being able to find that time to get out, do something together, the environment, like even just we just read the thing about kids where like the fussiness of kids will come from because they want to change their environment. I was like ready to change the environment. They need to get outside.

SPEAKER_02 13:35

They need to get outside. Well, speaking of outside, how do you feel about location sharing?

SPEAKER_01 13:41

With your partner.

SPEAKER_02 13:42

With your partner.

SPEAKER_01 13:42

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:42

I feel like that's kids, it's a must. Yeah, so I'm on your location where everything is.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

I think kids sharing, location sharing, I think that's I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think that's totally fine. I think when you get to a certain point, especially when you're talking about marriage and things like that, like for the most part, I mean, you're on the same phone plan. Like we're on a family plan.

SPEAKER_02 13:59

Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Right. So like you can log into T-Mobile and like get the updates on you, like whatever the case may be, whether it's kids, spouse. So if you're on that same type of page, and I think it's really setting the precedent and the understanding of like, hey, how are really how are we walk? How are we rocking in our relationship? You know, I forget what movie it was, but you know, I like all the like kind of the classic, some of the classics. But they basically said, like, are you gonna tell her, are you gonna share all and like give her really like more insight, yeah, basically over share? Or is it kind of like, hey, I give you the updates that I give you, and like we're kind of operating in two silos, which I haven't seen that work and I can't speak to that. That's not our situation. But for those that do when it works, you know, it's kind of like you're almost operating independently, but maybe you're business partners. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 14:42

Yeah, exactly. But to your point, right? I would say that's quietly hurting your marriage. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

Uh or or more than quietly, it's loudly hurting your marriage.

SPEAKER_02 14:51

Or quietly, because we know some couples too that live in separate houses. But again, if they're still married.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

But then are they, you know, yeah. That opens up. Well, let me ask you, what are your thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_02 15:01

Uh, on separate houses.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

Couples that either are in separate rooms, separate houses, basically, like you're married on paper, but you're living separate lives.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

What's the point? That's kind of how I look at it. You might as well just live separate lives. I do understand that if you have kids, that brings another dynamic in. But like I mentioned before, your kids are so intuitive, and I mentioned this in the last episode, that you've got to have that real conversation with them because they're gonna be picking it up, picking up on it. But then also what you're doing is you are indirectly showing your kids that this is maybe how a marriage is supposed to be. So now they're thinking, oh, well, I'm gonna go ahead when I get into a marriage. This is what I saw my parents do. And that seemed to work for them. But meanwhile, you didn't know what was going on behind the scenes with your parents, that they haven't, you know, when's the last time that they were maybe intimate? When was the last time that they had a date night? When's the last time that they were together and actually built a vision together to move forward to? I just think like, again, what's the point? Like, if we're gonna be in separate houses, if we're gonna be living separate lives, let's do that. Let's live separate lives. Because at the end of the day, I could meet somebody after this relationship that actually wants to be with me, that wants to have that quality time, that wants to pour into me like I want to pour into them. So you may just be holding me back.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

That's true. To be honest. And no, that's that's that's real talk. And I think that's that's that tough conversation that's not had in a lot of relationships or situations. But then how often do you hear people say, and and we're looking at it from the vantage point of those that we talk to that are you know more more seasoned in their marriage, but now the kids graduate high school.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

Now what?

SPEAKER_01 16:38

Now the kids are off the college. 15 nesters, and it's like, well, man, we ain't got nothing to talk about. Actually, we've been living separate lives this whole time. I wanna yeah, like I feel like we wait, I feel like I wasted X amount of years because of this fact that so I just I feel like kind of challenging the status quo in some ways of also like what does joy and happiness and like what is your ideal relationship and marriage look like and have you conveyed that and have you talked about it? Because I think that's you know, that's a really big element, is just the communication.

SPEAKER_02 17:10

Right. And so you're you're talking about marriage expectations in that way, and what is your partner looking for from you, and vice

Expectations Rings Likes And DMs

SPEAKER_02 17:18

versa. But then let's get into social media expectations. Okay, do you think that that is a conversation that should be had potentially you know before you get married? Do you need to maybe revisit social media expectations every is that is it an annual thing? Kind of what are your thoughts?

SPEAKER_01 17:36

Uh great question. There was a time early on where social media wasn't even in a conversation, it wasn't even a factor of like something you had to talk about in your relationship or factor in, but now it is.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

Oh, it is.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

It is absolutely and you see the ranges of what that could look like, but make sure you're on the same page. Is the expectation that I at you in my bio with the wedding ring?

SPEAKER_02 17:58

Oh wedding ring. That's true, is that an expectation?

SPEAKER_01 18:01

Because so for some people they feel like this is the version of like the Facebook I'm in a relationship. You remember that that when you do the announcement, is it real? Is it real? Oh, it's in a relationship. It's in a relationship.

SPEAKER_03 18:11

But you say in a relationship, but did you tag them?

SPEAKER_01 18:12

But but then you got the people that don't have in a relationship up there, but it just doesn't say single. So you have like it's single, it's complicated, in a relationship, but it's another level if it's in a relationship and the person. You tag them.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

It's like oh no, you you're taking ownership. You went on, you're you're like a celebrity.

SPEAKER_01 18:29

It's a hard launch. Y'all pulled up at the award show together.

SPEAKER_02 18:31

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:32

So when you think about that, like there are all of these examples. And so if you're analytical, if those things matter, it it's really up to you. I think the biggest thing is explaining what your expectations are.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

So if your expectation is we're in and listen, I I do understand, and I always try to come from a place of like understanding from both sides, right? For example, this has nothing to do with social media. I I do appreciate the visibility. Like if you didn't have me anywhere on your page and people didn't know you were married, I would have a problem with that. I would feel like that's that's crazy. You know what I'm saying? Wifey looks single, she ain't got me nowhere on her page. That's crazy. We've been married 10 years. To me, I would take I would take an issue with that. That would be one. Oh no. But what matters to me more, that would just be a conversation. Like, dang, you know, is this all business? You haven't posted your boy. That would be a conversation. But I would be, I would feel some type of way and be upset if like you didn't have your wedding ring on. I that would take an issue with that.

SPEAKER_02 19:26

100%. So like I think. And vice versa.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

You see what I'm saying? So there's like levels to, you know, but like, for example.

SPEAKER_02 19:33

Are you saying wearing your wedding ring and photos for some of the things? No, I'm saying in general. Well, period.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

Period. Like, well, if I'm not on your social, you don't know if the ring's on or not. But like if the wedding ring is like not on, to me, that's that's something that would be more of a a signal or something I would have an issue with versus, oh, you didn't post me on Valentine's Day.

SPEAKER_02 19:53

Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

Like, I'm like, to me, that doesn't like we're not doing it for everybody else. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 19:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 19:58

And I don't and I don't feel like we gotta spend all this money on Valentine's Day to say that we to show that we're in leading. Come on now. Correct. We're doing things throughout the year. But what are your thoughts?

SPEAKER_02 20:07

My thoughts are there needs to be an absolute conversation, and I do think it needs to be revisited as well as you just progress and you start seeing certain things on your partner's profile or maybe your profile. I think likes need to be talked about. What type what type of content are you liking? Number one.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

What are you referring to?

SPEAKER_02 20:28

Huh?

SPEAKER_01 20:29

What are you referring to?

SPEAKER_02 20:30

On the like side?

SPEAKER_01 20:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

You know, I mean, you can darn your post almost anything now. It's giving uh in in in some cases, you can go OF almost on social media now.

SPEAKER_00 20:40

What is that stuff for?

SPEAKER_02 20:41

OnlyFans.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

Where it's very provocative. It's, you know, um, are you liking other women's or men's photos?

SPEAKER_01 20:49

You're basically saying, you know, you ain't like your wife's photo, but you're liking everybody else's photo.

SPEAKER_02 20:53

Do you hear me? You're come on now. So that's number one. Number two, uh, like you said about posting, right? Are are we on the same page about posting each other on social media? Um, you mentioned the rings. I think that's another big piece too. I think also when it comes to DMs, because DMs can be a little bit more sly, they can be a little bit more slick. And I'm hearing a lot of times that it's interesting. I'm hearing women will shoot their shot more at married men than married men shooting their shot at married women. And I think that's really interesting because I am hearing more often, especially from, you know, my younger mentees that are the Gen Z that are saying married men are actually the worst. They're the ones that are DMing us, talking about, hey girl, you're looking cute in this photo, this, this, that, and the other. So what are the expectations when it comes to DMs? Do you feel like if you get a DM that's a little bit um suspect or a little bit explicit, do you feel like you should show your spouse? Or is that something where you just delete it and act like it never happened? I think that needs to be talked about for sure, because the DM life is getting very suspicious. It's getting it can. It can lead down a very um almost tender-ish type of role where people are meeting up on married. They're meeting up as if this is like a tender type of dating app. The other thing I would say is oftentimes because you have access now with social media. Granddaddy only saw 10 baddies. He only saw 10 baddies in his whole life. You can see as many baddies as you want now. And that baddie could be in Thailand, could be in Bill, it can be in an of course it works both ways. Um and those things, are you liking their photos? Are you engaging? Are you one of the top fans for that person? That's an issue. But then also are you um thinking that the grass is greener on the other side and that you don't have a prize back at home? And something we always say is the grass is greener where you water it. Those are just some of my expectations, I think, when it comes to social media of what you should be talking about, because it needs it's a conversation that needs to be had. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

In the words of J. Cole, love yours. I think that's important. It is. And so just to also add to what you said and what you called out there, I think it's um yes, the like the DMs, the social, but I think it all, if you think about it, it can play a part. If you haven't posted your spouse, if you're not wearing if they're not visible, yes, and you're you're giving only IG model or you're giving, you know, uh uh eligible bachelor on your page. Are you welcoming more of the DMs? Right. Or is it giving I'm out here in uh I'm out here on vacation by myself. Ah you know, we out here in Cabo alone. And you're like, wait, are you with your wife? Like your wife's page is giving y'all are together. Your page is giving.

SPEAKER_02 23:37

Or vice versa, to be honest.

SPEAKER_01 23:38

That's and that's what I'm saying. Because again, we're seeing the girls' trips.

SPEAKER_02 23:41

Who thinks that they're the prize in the relationship? And we're seeing it should be both, but there's some people that are like, listen, honey, I kind of I kind of punched down maybe a little bit, and I didn't feel like I punched up.

SPEAKER_01 23:50

And something I was gonna speak on that, you know, I don't want to go too far off into this, but we've been seeing a lot more too, where things have definitely been getting even more weird with some of these more open relationships where guys are thinking, well, I need to have multiple spouses or she can be with other people and I can be with other people and thinking that that's a more like uh new era.

SPEAKER_02 24:12

I just haven't seen it work. Come on.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

People can't wait to make like this is the new era way of doing it.

SPEAKER_02 24:16

And I know on TLC there's a whole, you know, finding my sister wife and all those things, but I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you this.

SPEAKER_01 24:23

I and this is just this is not a shot at anybody, but I will say, I don't know too many guys that are like doing an incredible job with one wife. They're like, brother, I'm trying to figure it out with one, let alone with another partner.

SPEAKER_02 24:38

Right. And uh, oh my gosh, one of my favorite shows that I used to watch was on TLC, and it was the polygamist family. They were Mormon. I'm trying to remember, it's on the tip of my tongue. But he had four wives, Cody Brown, four wives. I think I've showed you before.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

Is your sister wives? That's not the show.

SPEAKER_02 24:56

Is that Sister Rives? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 24:57

It might be Sister Wives, actually, now that you say that.

SPEAKER_02 24:59

But long story short, granted, theirs was rooted more in religion, but it was interesting because now I think they're 17 years later and three of the wives divorced him. He looked like he was really honing in and focusing on one wife.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

Like he wanted to be with just one person.

SPEAKER_02 25:13

One person. I just want to be with just this person. And so um, I think it's just really interesting. I think that there is a lot of conversations now, because maybe there's so much access that we didn't have before, that now it feels like, oh, did I choose the right person? And we know for men, men are it's looks. It is about the aesthetic, it's about the looks. That's what men are usually attracted to. And so oftentimes I can hear, I hear men say, Oh, I want my wife to go to be back to what she was when I first married her. And it's like, well, hold on, where are you at? You over here with a beer belly. You hit a boss, you hit a boss over here, you know what I'm saying? You know, you and I think again, is look at the wood in your eye before you start criticizing maybe the person that you're with or or your relationship. Like it's just, it's already hard out here, anyways. If you really only have to focus and hone in on one person, that's much better than trying to hone in and trying to focus on multiple people and trying to make multiple people happy or whatever that looks like.

SPEAKER_01 26:14

I just wanted to add a stat too, because so often, like if we pull back and draw back to the also the data, I believe it's 70 or 80% of millionaires are married. Are married. Why is that? You're building a foundation together. Even when they they when they do the uh, I know they just had the draft for sports, but when they do the draft and they do the symposiums for the rookies and the new players, they say you need one of everything. One car, one house, one wife or girlfriend, because it helps you with structure and too much of anything can be a downfall for you. So I just think that goes to exactly the point you were making.

SPEAKER_02 26:49

Absolutely.

AI Tools Without Losing Humanity

SPEAKER_02 26:50

And um, as we wrap up, I just want to ask you one question because we now live in an era of AI. Yes. How do you feel like AI is having AI is having an effect on relationships? So, what I mean by that is using Chat GPT as kind of a relationship therapist or relationship coach. Hey, this is one of my issues that I'm having in my relationship. What do you think that I should do? What are your thoughts?

SPEAKER_01 27:16

Well, I was gonna address the catfishing first with the AI because it's been egregious. Oh are you giving me your AI character? Who is this? It must be family member, it used to be air dog. I'm like, like I'm like, girl, who's that? I'm like, hey, cousin.

SPEAKER_02 27:31

But men are really tweaking their bodies. No, but they're tweaking their bodies.

SPEAKER_01 27:34

I did well, I did see, I just I don't want to, I'm gonna come back to your question, but I did see the guy that added the abs up under the t-shirt.

SPEAKER_03 27:39

It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. Uh but it's wild out here.

SPEAKER_01 27:43

But I think from an AI standpoint, there's nothing that's gonna replace the human element and a human connection. I think it goes back to being a good person, being you, be your authentic self. But if you want to use AI as a tool, I think it does make sense. I think before, so for example, if you wanted, hypothetically, I love the movie Hitch with Will Smith. If you wanted AI to be your dating version of Hitch, hey, I just met Deanna. I met her out and about. Date, well, they well, yeah, we're talking about marriage, but I'm sorry. Well, I was saying dating, but even marriage. Like, I think about even for us, sometimes I run out of ideas of like, man, what should I do for this upcoming anniversary?

SPEAKER_00 28:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:26

Hey, we're coming up on 10 years. What's the sign for that year? Oh, it's wood, it's gold, it's this. Well, give me some thoughtful ideas for gifts that I can get that maybe I haven't thought about. Sure. So I'm not trying to like have it do all of the work for you.

SPEAKER_02 28:40

Yeah, what are some date night ideas? What are maybe some gifts? Hey, this is my partner's love language. What are some games that we can play? But for actual relationship advice, what are your thoughts?

SPEAKER_01 28:51

Um, I think you got to be careful. I think it's better than sometimes it's better than nothing because if you're not giving yourself the right feedback mentally, and you don't know what you don't know. You don't know what you don't know, and maybe all you know is a toxic relationship, true, then AI could tell you, hey, it's actually normal for your spouse to go out with her girlfriends, maybe clean up around the house when she comes back, and that could be something that's like quality, you know, uh acts of service. Hey, maybe someone's never heard of the love languages, and AI is like, hey, read these five books. Exactly. So I think using using marriage for that, even for us, like we're talking about family and and those things. Like I use AI, like, what book should I be reading? Yeah. Like about family and how to be not just a great husband, but then a great father. And no, like to me, those are the things that you can use AI for. But where is your intent?

SPEAKER_02 29:41

I love that. And what I'm hearing too is use it as a resource, but be almost cautiously optimistic. Correct. Because at the end of the day, it's still AI, it's brand new in the sense of it being deployed to us. And so it allows us to, yes, have easier access, but it's not 100% correct. So I think just keep that in mind when it comes to AI and the chatbots and those things, is that it's not, we're still working through that kind of phase one. It's like when the iPhone one came out, right? We're on 18 number now. But I remember when those first couple of iPhones came out, I still stayed on the BlackBerry for a little bit. Because I was like, listen, let me just see how this kind of works out. Let me see if they're let's get the bugs out first and then I'll come back to it. But I like what you said about having it be almost a um a tool for you to be able to think outside of the box or think outside of what your knowledge is.

SPEAKER_01 30:36

Correct.

SPEAKER_02 30:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 30:37

And I think also with AI, it reminds me of what you said about social media, where this is something that you can revisit. Maybe it's every year or every midpoint of like, hey, AI told me to read these books or to try this, X, Y, and Z. I tried it. Did it work? Let me maybe put another prompt in or check in with my partner and see if this is working and see if I need a course correct.

SPEAKER_04 30:57

Right.

SPEAKER_01 30:57

Because we could be doing the wrong thing and we're now uh frustrated that you didn't get the response you wanted, but it wasn't the right action.

SPEAKER_02 31:05

Yes. Love

Coupley Fit Inner Circle Invite

SPEAKER_02 31:07

that. No, I think this was a great conversation. Social media is such a hot topic. Uh, I will probably revisit this just throughout the podcast, but it's interesting because what I'm also hearing from social media, oftentimes people are looking for that intentional connection. So we do just want to let you guys know that we are starting our Coupley Fit Inner Circle. It is a monthly membership for couples, 100% virtual, to be able to have a place where you can get micro education. You have a place that you have a safe community that feels intentional, you can connect with other couples. We're gonna start having in-person events, we're gonna do monthly calls. We're really trying to make and build a community that's based on intentional connection for couples, to be able to get the information that oftentimes can be diluted or that is uh doesn't feel intentional. So we do have a couple fit inner circle. Check out www.coupleyfit co-u P-L-E-Y-F-I-T.com and be one of the founding members. There are two options for you to be able to choose from that we're really excited about. And this is what people have been asking from us for a very long time. So we're really excited to deliver that to you. Man, great episode. Loved it.

SPEAKER_01 32:26

Great episode. And I just I think about when I think about the inner circle, building what we wish we had as a couple, as a married couple that didn't exist.

SPEAKER_02 32:35

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 32:36

Um, and being able to have that community and connection and and know that you're building off the foundation with other couples that are trying to move in the same direction.

SPEAKER_02 32:43

So with a baseline of health, health and wellness. 100%. Absolutely. So we're really excited about this. Um, as always, please follow us on social media at Coupley Fit, C O U P L E Y, F-I-T. Keep growing, glowing, and feeling better together. Bye.