Episode 80: Here's Why Sleeping Separately Might Save Your Relationship!

The Secret Of Separate Sleeping

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Forty-three percent of millennials are keeping the secret in the bedroom.

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Uh-oh. Secrets?

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What kind of secret? Millennials are the highest generation of sleeping in separate beds.

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All right, I'm gonna give a hot take right here from the start. My first thing is what happens when your feet get cold? Because you got cold feet. That's what I'm saying. But I appreciate it because I'm almost always warm. So if I didn't have that balance, I would be that would be devastating.

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Yes. So 80% of partnered people report disrupted sleep mostly from snoring. Oh.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

That's fair. I mean, you know, I I can't I can't say I I'm in denial. I will say that I don't snore. If anybody asks, I'm be like, what are you talking about? I don't snore.

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But when you've played the audio tape that I have I've had to record you because you're in such denial. I feel Judge, it's that you don't snore.

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It felt like a little bit of a betrayal when I heard the recording.

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Not only that, but let's even take it a step back where your grandparents had to tell me, oh no, no, no, no. Be mindful that he is a crazy sleeper.

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You're not wrong.

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He, when he was sleeping in the bed with us, he'd have his feet up by our face. His feet looking for the right spot. His head is by our feet. We don't understand what's happening. I got a uh a hand in my face halfway through the night.

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Where's the cozy? That's where I'll be.

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That is, you'll you're finding it. You're finding it.

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And also, I want to say, I can fall asleep anywhere.

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You sure can't instantly, though. As a youth. And be in deep sleep. It's the wildest.

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At a concert. I was at a concert, drums, everything. I mean, it's and I am somber.

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I know. And I'm a light sleeper, which in some cases works into our favor. Well, speaking of. Because I hear something. I'm up.

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I hear something. Let me just tell y'all something. Speaking of you being a light sleeper, I feel like a ninja in the morning when I'm getting up early, trying to make sure that I allow you to sleep. I don't know if there's any fellows. I hear it every time. I don't know if there's any fellows that can resonate, but like opening the closet door. I'm trying to like brush my teeth without like turning the uh turning the electric toothbrush on. Because I know like if the electric toothbrush goes on, I know it's gonna wake you up. Or if the door slams or if the light goes on, some like in the dark, like a ninja trying to navigate. So I just want to say that, you know, those are all efforts to try to let you get more sleep.

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Which I do appreciate

Snoring Temperature And Morning Ninja Moves

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in the morning because I've heard the opposite of slamming doors and it wakes me up. And I don't even think it's an upset. It's just not being mindful.

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That is true.

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So 43% of women report partner-cause sleep disruption versus 29% men.

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I just heard somebody tell me at a conference they got a $6,000 bed so that him and his wife can't sleep on two different experiences in the same bed.

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Oh, like the sleep number beds?

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No, it's different than the sleep number. He it's an app. He said he's invested in the company and everything. He tried to sell me on a $10,000 bed. When he looked at his aura ring, his aura ring said he was six years younger.

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So is it worth it?

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I mean you can get six years back, but I but I'm just saying, I don't know if they've got financing on his bed.

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I I it's interesting because I do like that idea in the sense of you just mentioned you're hotter, usually I'm colder. So if we if there are it's one bed, but it's two separate settings, uh, or even where when we talk about snoring, a lot of times they tell you to raise yourself, like put pillows behind you.

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This bed did all that.

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And he was showing me how the and he spent 25% of your life sleeping.

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Right now, you're right now I feel like you're selling me on the bed as well. The six hours of the bed. Six years younger, though, was really what piqued my interest. 100%. I was like, if you can add six years to your life, that's incredible.

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And he was saying this guy six years, it's a thousand dollars a year.

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And this guy wasn't in great shape either. So it wasn't like, you know, this guy is running marathons. He's like, no, I just get more sleep. And he said that it's like the cool air, the oxygen is like going through the mattress, oh yeah, or through like the fibers that cools you down. I was impressed.

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Okay, this isn't we're we ain't selling a mattress up in here. We're not, but we're selling sleep, the importance of sleep. So the other thing, too, is right, there's the generational sleep lie where our parents shared the bed. So why does that mean that we have to share the bed?

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Um, sharing the bed is a must in my mind. To me, not sharing the bed is giving me like you're you're dragging the pillow and the blanket to the couch because somebody's in the doghouse.

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Oh no.

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That's the vibe that comes to my mind. If someone's like, man, I didn't sleep in the bed last night with my wife. You like, what happened?

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So here's the thing, and we talked about this on the way here. So Raven Simone and her wife Miranda, they have a podcast. On that podcast, they are very vocal about sleeping in not only separate beds, but separate rooms. Cause right, when you think about when we've even gone to um, we just went to Mexico City, which is so beautiful, but we saw that not only were the husband and

High Tech Beds And Sleep Trackers

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wife on opposite sides of the home, they had their own suite essentially where they were just coming together for the quote unquote the reading room, or or we're gonna come together for kind of the common things. But other than that, we're completely separate. And so the reason that they also do that is because they both enjoy different temperatures, they have different sleep schedules, they uh are also looking to see if this works for them. So, cause sometimes I think when you also hear quote unquote, it's called sleep divorce, you think, oh, well, this is gonna be for the rest of our lives. When, oh no, this can just be a phase. So, for example, I've been hearing that there's more of a wave with millennial moms that are choosing to be in a separate room with the baby because they're the if you're breastfeeding, for example, you're in more of a need than potentially the dad at that time, even though a dad should be highly involved at this time, I believe. Uh, I've been hearing that. So again, that's more of a phase where it's like, I'm just gonna get through this newborn phase or through maybe through these first six months, but then after that, we're gonna come back together.

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I can't speak to the newborn phase because we don't have kids yet. But what I can tell you is I'm gonna be sleeping in a separate bed, is what I can tell you. That's what I do know.

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That's what I do know. So interesting. There's been more research though that's coming out that's saying when we are underrested, which means we're just not getting a good night's sleep, that you actually are not able to read your partner. So your empathy for your partner diminishes significantly. And when I think about it too, there's been times where we've both been exhausted. And there's times where I've told you I'm like, I'm so tired today and I don't know what it is. And sometimes it's just that time of the month, right? For most, for most women our age. And it is when you're telling me kind of your problems, it's like, listen, I don't even want to hear it. I'm so exhausted. I'm just trying to get through this day, and I'm not even trying to add on any of what you have because I'm so tired.

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You know, it reminds me of the uh the saying, halt. Are you hungry?

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Hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

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The emphasis on the T and tired. Because if I'm tired, oh man. I'm not the same me.

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I'm not the same me.

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I'm not the same G.

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But this is also why, okay. This is why I'm also so glad that we got the aura rings because I used to tell you all the time, like, gosh, I just didn't sleep well last night. I'm not sleeping well. You're you know, you'd kind of brush me off.

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Not sponsored by aura ring, but I do have it on because it does make it.

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I have it on as well, period. We what was our life before, honestly? It was too too stressed, too stressed, too much cumulative stress. I just went from being uh solid to adequate on my resilience because of my stress and my sleep. So, anyways, yes. So, anyways, I have was telling you, I'm tired, I'm tired. And you know, you'd kind of believe me, but not really believe me. And then when I would show you my score of a 63 of a.

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But also it says we need different hours of sleep too, which a lot of times people will get that disconnect of like, oh, well, does my wife need to get more sleep and rest than than I do? And it literally gives us our average hours needed per night, and you need an hour to two more than I do just naturally. I need eight and a half. Come on now, period. Period.

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I know people are thinking, wow, I wish. Like, how lovely would that be?

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But it's this is sleep and naps, though.

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If you can get your naps, but this is

Sleep Divorce As A Phase

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also something that for me, I know my body, I also know my mood and my temperament. When I don't get enough sleep, I I just like most people, I can't focus. I am less empathetic, clearly, from the research. Halt and those things. So we are very adamant about making sure that we get the proper sleep. And if we don't and we're in sleep debt, trying to make that up as much as possible. And so what's interesting too is when we when we think about snoring, when we think about loud breathing, it can absolutely keep you up for it during the night.

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And the and in the more and the more overweight or correct.

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And 75% of America is overweight at this time. And so it can actually be a health crisis. And so we need to actually start looking more into okay, do we need to get you, for example, the aura ring? Do we need to get you a sleep apnea machine? We do, do we need to maybe get you some sleeping tools and some sleeping aids that will be able to help you? Because this may be a larger health crisis that we're not talking about. Absolutely. And so the other thing too, you were just talking about this earlier, or at least alluding to it, is the intimacy, right? The lack of intimacy that can happen when you're exhausted, but there's less affection, you have less patience, you have less empathy.

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If you're not in the same bed, you can't even cop a feel.

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You can't even cop a feel. There's no chill.

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There's no net, there's no Netflix or chill if you're not in the same room.

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And it's like the old school, you know, when you first started dating and it's like 2 a.m., 3 a.m., you get the the you up text, you gotta come over and knock on the door, like you up.

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I'm about to send you a I'm about to send you a you up text. Yeah, you up? Are you up?

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What up, girl? So uh, but be being very mindful that when you are exhausted, and I just saw a study and it came from a sleep doctor. It was on the uh the podcast with Steve Bartlett, uh, the diary of a CEO, and he had a sleep expert on. He said, most couples are intimate at 10:30 p.m. Honey, what? It is so late. Most people are in bed by 10.

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I might be more peak at 10:30 a.m.

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10 30. Well, that's what he said. So just frankly, you know, again, we were having grown, grown people talk here. He said, Why do you think that when men, for example, wake up in the morning, there it's called morning.

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Yeah, come on now.

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You know what I'm saying? Because that's when your body's telling you, I'm ready. I'm ready for intimacy, I'm ready for works better than coffee. Works better than coffee, right? And those things. But when it's 10:30 p.m., honey. I mean, I just what are we talking about?

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I'm thinking just last night, by the time we finished work and looked at each other, had dinner.

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Oh, it was 9 30 p.m.

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We barely finished the show. I was like, yo, I'm so tired.

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I'm so tired right now. Um, so anyways, so yeah. So again, the intimacy paradox that we're talking about when you sleep in separate rooms.

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Separate rooms is another barrier.

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But here's my question for you what about sleeping in separate beds in the same room?

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That's out the question as well.

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Do you remember the King of Queens episode where they were they did it for a couple of days? Well, let me just like, oh my gosh, I

Sleep Debt Empathy And Intimacy

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love this. This is amazing.

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Well, let me just give you the example. Have you ever been booked a hotel? You're supposed to have the king bed, they hit you with two twins. Two queens? Or two queens, whatever.

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I've got two twins.

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Or two twins, two, two separate beds.

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Two separate beds.

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I need you to change my room immediately.

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Yeah, not going for it.

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And it's never an option. We we've never, the two of us have slept just in the separate beds. Totally. We always start in the one bed and realize it's just too small.

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Yeah, you're just too big in there.

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I'm just too big in there.

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And then the way that you roll around, the way that you're in the room.

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But I never like started off and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna just stay in the other bed. No, it's like I want to be over here with you, but yeah, it's just it's too tight.

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Somebody's gonna roll off this bed. Facts. So the other thing, too, is there are now kind of generational health stakes as well, where we're talking about sleep-deprived parents, which we can all probably relate to that, where we've been around our parents, and it's like, oh, you're tired because the way that you're talking to me right now is a little bit out of hand.

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Fuse is short.

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It is short. So parents, sleep-deprived parents raise dysregulated kids because again, you're kind of moving at the mood in which you are so exhausted. And we just talk, there's a lack of energy. There's a lack of affection, there's a lack of patience. So then your kids are thinking that this is normal when really you're just that exhausted. And so, again, having that conversation with your kids of, you know, I don't mean to have this tone with you, but I am exhausted. Your kids are gonna know that you're a human being. That's okay to have those conversations and say, I need some, I need a nap. If you want to come nap with me, please feel free. But I'm exhausted and I need to take this nap. But then when you start talking about your kids seeing what you're doing, if you're sleeping in separate bedrooms, does that now become the norm? Is that now, oh well, my mom and dad slept in separate bedrooms, so that's what I'm gonna carry into my relationship.

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That would have been a red flag.

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A red flag, not going for it.

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Not going for it.

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So the other thing too is can you do the sleeping in the separate beds or separate rooms for a season? I quickly touched upon this during the newborn trenches phase. And I think it's just interesting if you are, for example, trying to figure out, oh, does my partner have sleep apnea? Do they have breathing issues? Are they just not breathing sometimes during the night? Are they having cardio, are they having cardiovascular issues? And then if so, sometimes you may need to take that time away or in separate beds to be able to figure out what's going on. And then once you're able to do that, can you come back together um and be able to sleep in the same bed? For sure. What do you think? Can you do it in uh a phase?

SPEAKER_01 14:37

Yeah, I need all phases. We're gonna figure it out together.

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But see, I feel like that's very old school. We're looking at the data and the data.

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Call me old school. Call me old school.

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Just period.

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All you need is one. There's come on now. Everybody else going left, I'm going right.

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Okay, so

Parenting Spillover And Healthy Norms

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we wanted to quickly talk about this because I've been seeing this sleep divorce all over social media. A lot of podcast hosts are talking about it too. A lot of couples podcast hosts are talking about it as well. It's interesting to hear the different takes on it. Needless to say, or more so safe to say, we're not having that. Although I will say that there are times where my sleep is disrupted because you know, you're you're a flailer. You like to be, and then you like to, I'm I'm here for the cuddles. We talk about the cuddles all the time. I'm so here for the cuddles. Warm over the face. But you get so hot. Just last night, my entire left leg was like soaking wet because you were so hot. I had to move away, and then you came and just laid your whole body on top of me.

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I was just like, well, I gotta set the thermostat a little lower.

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I was like, Well, it was 68.

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You gotta get to 67.

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You're tripping. That's too cold.

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Peak.

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That's not peak for me. And that's what I was saying.

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Let us know in the comments.

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Let us know in the comments how you feel about sleep divorce. Are you, no matter what, sleeping in the same bed? Doesn't matter what phase you're in. Uh, you're it's not it's a non-negotiable, or are you part of the 43% of millennials or people that are saying actually

Listener Question Sponsor And Wrap

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not only separate beds, potentially separate bedrooms? Let us know in the comments. This episode is brought to you by Coupley Fit at Backlot Studio, the number one podcast studio in Arizona. You have to come and check them out. So let's wrap this up.

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Thanks for joining us.

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Thanks for joining us. We appreciate you all so much. If you are following us on YouTube, please like and subscribe. Please follow us on social media at Coupley Fit C O U P L E Y F I T. As always, keep growing, glowing, and feeling better together. Bye.