Nov. 18, 2025

Episode 59: Make the Tough Call Today Before Life Forces It Tomorrow

Episode 59: Make the Tough Call Today Before Life Forces It Tomorrow
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Season 1

Struggling with silent treatment, ghosting, or emotional distance in your relationship?

 We break down why couples drift even while sharing the same couch and calendar, and how to reconnect before resentment builds. From fobbing (phone snubbing) to hidden emotional neglect, we explore the habits that quietly erode intimacy and share practical tools to bring couples back together: scripts, signals, nightly touch points, and small daily habits that rebuild trust and closeness.

If your relationship feels distant, this episode gives you clear steps to improve communication, restore emotional safety, and strengthen your connection. 

Subscribe, share with your partner, and try one simple question tonight to start bridging the gap.

00:00 - Silent Treatment Framed

01:00 - Choose Your Hard In Marriage

02:15 - Money Talks And Whiteboard Truth

03:30 - Loneliness Inside A Relationship

04:10 - Clashing Communication Styles

06:00 - Say It, Don’t Make Me Guess

08:30 - Phones, Fobbing, And Distraction

10:20 - Gender Nuance And EQ

12:20 - Generational Patterns To Unlearn

14:40 - Keep The Main Thing The Main Thing

16:20 - No Jabs, No Tit For Tat

18:10 - Vulnerability And Emotional Safety

21:00 - Marriage As A Business Team

24:00 - Silent Drift And The Roommate Effect

26:00 - Phone Snubbing On Date Night

28:00 - Questions To Reconnect Daily

30:00 - Work Grind, Neglect, And Reset

32:00 - “I’m Fine” And Avoidance

34:00 - Listen To Understand, Not Fix

36:00 - The Couply Fit Communication Cycle

39:00 - Nightly Check-Ins And Gratitude

41:30 - Closeout And Community CTA

WEBVTT

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Hey, Cupley Fit fam.

00:00:01.919 --> 00:00:04.799
Welcome back to another episode.

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Today we're talking about the silent treatment.

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When communication breaks before the relationship does.

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It's one of my biggest pet thieves, to be honest with you.

00:00:14.800 --> 00:00:14.880
Oh.

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And it doesn't matter.

00:00:16.079 --> 00:00:19.280
Like, I think back to any relationship, the silent treatment is all bad.

00:00:19.440 --> 00:00:22.160
Like, obviously, in a marriage relationship, it's probably the worst.

00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:29.839
But I mean, think about if you message your boss and they don't respond, or you message your family member, a loved one, and they leave you on read, or your bestie, you like, hold on.

00:00:30.079 --> 00:00:36.640
Well, if you think about it, we're in the the societal norm now of ghosting.

00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:39.840
So you're talking about silent treatment.

00:00:40.079 --> 00:00:42.159
And I'm one of those people that respond to like text messages.

00:00:42.240 --> 00:00:45.119
You know, I, you know, you see there's like they say there's two types of people.

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There's a person that has like a thousand unread messages in their text, and there's a person that has zero because they literally go through like make sure they respond.

00:00:52.159 --> 00:00:54.719
So I I'm more on the side of going through the messages.

00:00:54.799 --> 00:00:58.240
So I um yeah, leaving leaving somebody ghosted is cold.

00:00:58.560 --> 00:01:00.000
It's cold world.

00:01:00.320 --> 00:01:12.480
So what we're talking about again, right, is there's there's we're seeing now maybe more than ever the breakdown in communication in relationships, but specifically marriage.

00:01:12.640 --> 00:01:22.159
And if you listen to some of our past episodes, we're talking about uh how to be able to get through some of those heavier conversations, right?

00:01:22.319 --> 00:01:26.879
We have a pre-marriage kind of talk list, checklist that you should go through.

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Highly recommend you listen to that.

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But then we also have some other episodes too, where we're talking about even money, how you should be able to talk about that with your spouse.

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Because it's not easy, right?

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To have these critical conversations, but they need to be had before your relationship starts to break down.

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And ignorance is not bliss, right?

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Right?

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Uh, you know, the word ignorance being you know the lack of understanding of the truth, people will say, like, no, it's bliss, because I just we're gonna act like it didn't happen, or I don't know.

00:01:54.159 --> 00:02:00.079
But when you think about it, ignoring a situation or it's a temporary solution.

00:02:00.560 --> 00:02:04.000
So it what do they I I love the saying when they talk about choose your heart.

00:02:05.040 --> 00:02:09.919
It's hard to have the critical conversation, talk about the thing that you may be ghosting or being silent on.

00:02:10.240 --> 00:02:10.800
Divorce is harder.

00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:12.479
Man, divorce is a whole lot harder.

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Explain it to your kids why their separate birthdays and Christmases and why mom and dad aren't living it, like that's a whole nother level of hard.

00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:26.479
But the difference is is that you're it's avoidance, really, if you think about it, like it's delaying whatever the situation is.

00:02:26.560 --> 00:02:32.080
So I just I we're always big proponents of speaking on it, addressing it.

00:02:32.240 --> 00:02:48.080
I mean, I remember one of the toughest things as far as silentry where I wanted to be silent, we overcame just some different financial challenges and things as we invested in the business and bootstrapped and and really did some things on our own as far as growing a business together.

00:02:48.479 --> 00:02:55.840
And I I will never forget when you broke down on the board, on a whiteboard, just all of the finances, like it looked like the matrix.

00:02:56.240 --> 00:02:58.560
There were just numbers everywhere, breakdowns everywhere.

00:02:58.639 --> 00:03:05.360
You're like, this is the next five years, like this is also like what we're gonna have to do to rebuild and grow our credit, do all of these things.

00:03:05.439 --> 00:03:10.159
And I was like, I would have much rather not talk about this because right now it's real.

00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:13.439
Right now I see where we we're at, what we have to do and accomplish.

00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:15.680
But again, choose your hard.

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We then were on a plan of what's the reality, and this is how we build together.

00:03:20.400 --> 00:03:30.639
But think about how many couples it's just easier to be silent or have separate finances or have separate everything, and we just don't talk about it, and then you just continue to drift because that reality starts to set in.

00:03:30.800 --> 00:03:31.520
Yeah, absolutely.

00:03:31.599 --> 00:03:39.120
And so there's a study that shows over 40% of couples say they feel lonely in their relationship.

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So even though you're living together, you may even be in the same room together currently listening to this, but you feel miles apart.

00:03:46.639 --> 00:04:16.560
And to your point, when the critical conversations, when those mini resentments, when those micro, even aggressions when those start stacking, it start again, just like compounding interests, although that's gonna be in a positive light, when you have issues that are compounding on top of each other, that elephant in the room is getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and that space on the couch between you two is seems like it's getting wider.

00:04:16.720 --> 00:04:21.279
It's it's one of those things where why are we having this communication breakdown?

00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:24.480
And a lot of it too is also what's your communication style, right?

00:04:24.560 --> 00:04:26.720
So there's a couple of things that you mentioned, right?

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Your communication style where growing up, maybe you were in a household where yelling was the norm and that's how you get your emotions across or your frustrations across.

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Or on the opposite end, maybe silence was something that in the silent treatment was something that was a norm in your home.

00:04:43.600 --> 00:04:58.800
Well, if those two people are coming together in a marriage, well, if we get into an argument, you know, I may feel like I'm yelling is gonna get across to you when I need to, but you may feel staying silent is you getting across to me that you're unhappy.

00:04:58.879 --> 00:05:00.959
When again, nobody's a mind reader, don't know.

00:05:01.040 --> 00:05:08.160
And as much as you've been, as long as you've been with somebody, or as much as you think that you may know your partner, it still needs to be communicated.

00:05:08.240 --> 00:05:13.279
The words still need to be able to come out of your mouth because you can't assume that somebody is a mind reader.

00:05:13.360 --> 00:05:15.600
You can't assume that they know what you want.

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You they they know even where you are, like you mentioned financially, the words have to come out of them out of your mouth to be able to communicate.

00:05:24.480 --> 00:05:28.480
And again, think of it from a what do you want the solution to be?

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And then let me break down the communication from the solution.

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This is the solution.

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Let's backtrack now and see how what I can say can get us to this solution.

00:05:42.160 --> 00:05:45.040
Yeah, and it's trigger, and I was gonna say both of those things are triggering.

00:05:45.680 --> 00:05:52.079
Someone arguing and yelling is a trigger, and the polar opposite of that and being silent is also a trigger.

00:05:52.240 --> 00:06:01.279
I mean, I think about just that silentry because a lot of people, you know, they think about that saying where you know my actions are telling you how I'm feeling because I don't need to use my words.

00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:21.839
They just like read in between the lines and all of these things, these sayings, and it's like it's a lot easier for me to not have to guess why you're upset or guess why you're not speaking to me if you tell me via verbal text, email, write a note, hey, you forgot to take that trash out again, and I'm really upset about it.

00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:28.879
Versus you don't speak to me in the morning on the way out the door because you saw that that trash is still full and you asked me to take it out yesterday.

00:06:29.360 --> 00:06:31.120
And that's a small example, right?

00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:41.920
It could be something else, but it's more so the follow-up or the reaction of your sending a message to your partner is it in a productive way that's gonna bring y'all closer together or further apart?

00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:42.720
Right, right?

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Because another approach could be you taking that trash down, even though you don't want to, but maybe leaving a note, hey babe, I saw you forgot the trash, I just went ahead and took it out.

00:06:52.480 --> 00:07:02.879
I would feel more like ooh, if you took that trash down and I know you had to take that down on your way out, versus you didn't speak to me and I had to guess, like, ooh, like why is she mad?

00:07:03.120 --> 00:07:08.399
And I think that happens so often where just people don't know, and it just continues to build in that disconnect.

00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:11.199
And then you add in all the distractions that are out there.

00:07:11.519 --> 00:07:13.360
How big of a distraction is the phone, right?

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When it's like, oh, I'm just gonna stay on my phone and we're in the room together.

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But like you said, we're not connected because we're not speaking to each other, we're just gonna be on our phones.

00:07:21.519 --> 00:07:26.560
Yes, and I'm gonna get there's a word for that, which I just found out and we'll bring that up here shortly.

00:07:26.720 --> 00:07:32.800
But I quickly want to go back to even just, and this is something that personally I've learned in business, right?

00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:35.839
Uh, the health and wellness space is still very male dominated.

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And so even when we go into meetings, there's times, and I take this same approach also when we are having these critical conversations, men are very linear.

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Tell me what is it that you need?

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What is it that you want?

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Uh, be very clear in that.

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Don't give me all of this, you know, kind of fluff and all of these.

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It's be very direct.

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Where women, on the other hand, we are more emotional in the sense of speak more to me as if uh you're, you know, not mad at me.

00:08:04.959 --> 00:08:07.199
You're not maybe frustrated, right?

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Try to be able to kind of uh for men control that, uh, have that emotional intelligence to be able to know and understand that, you know, we women we like to be talked to a little bit softer.

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Don't yell at us.

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We don't, that's not something that we enjoy.

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Um, whether you're in your masculine or your feminine energy, no one likes to be yelled at.

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And then knowing and understanding, uh again, we were talking about kind of those communication styles, but then also how do you deal with problems?

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Are you an avoidant, right?

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Or so do you avoid the situation completely and sweep it under the rug?

00:08:39.519 --> 00:08:51.279
I know for us as millennials, when we're talking generation-wise, we are coming from our for us baby boomers whose parents' generation was called the silent generation.

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We're not, and we've seen it, bo.

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We've seen it to where we're asking very simple questions to our grandparents.

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Taking it to their deathbed.

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Taking it.

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Do not, don't ask me about this ever again.

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And it's something very simple of, you know, hey, what was your first job?

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I don't even want to talk about it.

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So the silent generation, but that we have to be very mindful of, right?

00:09:09.679 --> 00:09:14.080
Our our a lot of what we are bringing into our marriage is what we've learned.

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And so maybe there's some areas that we need to unlearn, but then keep having the conversations and coming back to the conversation and not letting it fester and you know, be in a in a dormant state, because that's where again, that resentment is just gonna keep building and building and building.

00:09:31.519 --> 00:09:36.240
Now, when you have that conversation, it's a blow up because I've really been sitting on this and holding on to this.

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And speaking of sitting on and holding on to things too, keep the main thing.

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The main thing.

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So often we're talking about, you know, we're talking about the garage and organization and all this.

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Now you're bringing up the most of it.

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No, for real, but it's done dovetailed into somebody's mama and how they're treating you.

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And I'm no, but for real, it's just it's so easy for it to go off track.

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Because I've I've been holding on to this for so long, and now I'm mad at you, and we're having a conversation, but we're not connecting, we're having a conversation, and I'm just gonna bring up all the stuff that I've been sitting on, all the all the things that I've been uh irritated, frustrated, the way you're breathing is so loud, you know, all of those things.

00:10:16.960 --> 00:10:23.440
And and again, what is the solution that you want to come out of that conversation?

00:10:23.519 --> 00:10:28.639
That's not gonna be necessarily productive or an effective conversation, and like you said, keeping the main thing, the main thing.

00:10:28.879 --> 00:10:32.080
Main thing, the main thing, and also, you know, fighting fear, right?

00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:34.480
And people who always fighting in a relationship.

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What do you mean?

00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:37.039
Fighting, arguing, you get what I mean.

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I'm talking about non-physical.

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Right.

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And so when it gets there, don't jab, don't take an argument or a disagreement to the point where now it's a fight because you didn't jab that yeah, and you're trying to poke the bear.

00:10:56.080 --> 00:11:05.200
Because I want an emotional reaction, because I'm not feeling, I'm not getting the reaction that I want from you on an emotional connection side.

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So this is the only way that I can get at least some emotion coming out of you.

00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:20.320
You're acting out, you're acting out, you're acting out, and now it ends up being a situation where that that now, and we see it a lot too, and we try to be mindful of it because it's even happened to us.

00:11:20.480 --> 00:11:22.000
You don't want to go tit for tat.

00:11:22.399 --> 00:11:22.720
No.

00:11:23.120 --> 00:11:24.799
Oh, they're not no, you may want to.

00:11:24.960 --> 00:11:25.759
You may want to do you do.

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You don't you don't need to.

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You may want to go to the house.

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You want to, but you don't need to because oh well, she's I really want to push this button right now.

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She's not speaking to me.

00:11:31.919 --> 00:11:33.120
Well, I ain't speaking to her.

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Petty.

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She didn't speak to me for today.

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Well, I ain't gonna speak to her tomorrow.

00:11:36.720 --> 00:11:40.159
See, but that's childlike, in my opinion, right?

00:11:40.240 --> 00:11:44.399
Where the emotional intelligence is is lower in those situations, and where do we learn?

00:11:44.480 --> 00:12:04.559
But again, sometimes where people learn these behaviors were when they were a child, watching the silent generation or their the the the baby boomers, the baby boomers, and now it's like, oh, I'm back in the same, I'm back in the same cycle, and it's more convenient to do this than to dive deep into it, or to be more quote unquote vulnerable.

00:12:04.639 --> 00:12:09.440
When a lot of times it is also just being open, saying what's on your mind, putting yourself out there.

00:12:09.519 --> 00:12:13.519
But now I feel like that gets talked about so bad as being vulnerable.

00:12:13.759 --> 00:12:15.759
Oh, you know, you don't need to put that out there.

00:12:15.919 --> 00:12:16.879
No, you shouldn't share that.

00:12:16.960 --> 00:12:18.559
Oh, keep that to yourself with your spouse.

00:12:18.639 --> 00:12:21.279
It's like literally with the person that you're building a life with.

00:12:21.600 --> 00:12:22.960
This should be the safe place.

00:12:23.039 --> 00:12:25.360
And I think that's what emotional safety, though.

00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:35.679
But if you're not feeling emotionally safe with the person, then is this an opportunity for me to poke your buttons so that I can get at least some emotions out of you?

00:12:35.840 --> 00:12:46.879
Or is this a place where I do feel safe emotionally to express how I feel or uh, you know, my concerns in a way that's constructive and effective to be able to move forward.

00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:48.240
But it's emotional safety.

00:12:48.399 --> 00:12:56.799
And when you speak, when we talk about emotional safety for somebody that's listening, or if you're listening with your partner, ask yourself how safe do you feel right now in your relationship?

00:12:57.120 --> 00:13:00.559
On a scale of one to five, five being the most safe that you've ever felt.

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Where are you?

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And if you find yourself that it's not a five, even for us, even like for me, I would say I'm definitely close to that five or at a five, but we still are having conversations on what can we do better this upcoming year?

00:13:14.559 --> 00:13:26.080
What are the, you know, we have some of the cue cards and questions that we ask each other on date nights, or especially as we're doing goal setting and planning for the next year, what's an area of our relationship that you feel like we should work on?

00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:28.240
What's an area that I can support you differently in?

00:13:28.799 --> 00:13:40.399
If you approach your relationship like anything else, like your health and wellness, where it's like, let me try to get 1% better every single day, or at least a little better every day, that's where you start getting closer to that five.

00:13:40.480 --> 00:13:50.480
And it's almost a competition in a good way of how do I make sure that my partner feels as safe as they can be in a relationship versus we're going back and forth not speaking to each other.

00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:53.919
We're actually trying to really feed and nurture that relationship.

00:13:54.399 --> 00:13:57.600
Yes, and something came to me.

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I'm going to say it, but let me complete my thought.

00:14:02.639 --> 00:14:07.120
We've heard before that your marriage is like a business.

00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:13.679
Being in business together and a marriage together, there's a lot of similarities, right?

00:14:13.919 --> 00:14:15.759
Where you are talking about your goal setting.

00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:19.279
What are our Q, you know, we're in Q4, what are our Q4 goals?

00:14:19.440 --> 00:14:21.440
What we're starting our goals for next year.

00:14:21.600 --> 00:14:24.879
What does that look like on a financial project projection?

00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:29.360
What does that look like on a, you know, team scaling growth side?

00:14:29.600 --> 00:14:31.039
What does that also look like?

00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:38.240
How can I continue to support you as being a team member of this business called marriage?

00:14:38.399 --> 00:14:39.440
How can I support you?

00:14:39.600 --> 00:14:40.399
What can I do better?

00:14:40.559 --> 00:14:42.240
Are there areas where I can improve?

00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:46.799
How can I be a servant leader in the marriage?

00:14:46.960 --> 00:14:50.559
Because again, at the end of the day, it should be just the two of you, right?

00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:56.000
We always talk about, and we've talked about this on previous episodes, that outside influence, very similar to a business.

00:14:56.080 --> 00:14:58.639
You can have a consultant come in and they're telling you some things.

00:14:58.720 --> 00:15:04.960
We've had a consultant that already said sell Coupley Fit outright, sell it, get rid of it, do this, do this, do that.

00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:07.519
We already knew two on the meat, spin on the bones.

00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:08.399
Thank you for your feedback.

00:15:08.559 --> 00:15:09.519
Thank you for your feedback.

00:15:09.679 --> 00:15:10.480
Absolutely not.

00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:12.240
This is a generational play.

00:15:12.320 --> 00:15:14.399
We already know that that's that's not an option.

00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:32.080
But again, it's that aspect of knowing and understanding that there has to be time that you're that you're putting into your relationship and it has to be effective and productive and seeing in the areas where you can be vulnerable.

00:15:32.240 --> 00:15:39.840
I know even for us as being leaders and having teams, we do uh, I think we do a great job of having some vulnerable.

00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:44.480
We're not completely vulnerable, but just talking about your day sometimes is vulnerable.

00:15:44.639 --> 00:15:49.120
Just talking about, you know, oh, this is actually I have somebody that's sick in my family right now.

00:15:49.279 --> 00:15:51.279
Those are the little pieces that are vulnerable.

00:15:51.519 --> 00:15:59.120
Take that same type of idea on the vulnerability and bring that into your marriage of wow, you know, so-and-so is is getting older.

00:15:59.200 --> 00:16:00.639
Have you noticed that they're getting older?

00:16:00.799 --> 00:16:03.759
I'm just a little bit concerned about their health and wellness.

00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:15.200
And, you know, actually, this opens up the door for us to talk about what happens if our parents, you know, as they start aging and they're getting older and having health issues and those things, are we gonna have them come stay with us, right?

00:16:15.279 --> 00:16:23.519
And start oh, having that, those little pieces that seem businesslike to open up other situations and conversations in your marriage.

00:16:23.840 --> 00:16:30.480
And treating a marriage like a like a business or seeing the similarities doesn't mean that there's not love as the number one of those.

00:16:30.639 --> 00:16:31.600
Of course, of course, of course, of course.

00:16:31.840 --> 00:16:34.080
And I think it's to your point, it's the framework.

00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:34.879
It's the framework.

00:16:35.039 --> 00:16:35.600
It's the framework.

00:16:35.759 --> 00:16:46.559
And re in reframing your mindset on what vulnerability looks like, what emotional safety looks like, what those deep critical conversations look like.

00:16:46.720 --> 00:16:51.679
And knowing at the end of the day, typically when you're with your spouse, they're not trying to be malicious, right?

00:16:51.840 --> 00:17:05.440
And don't take it personally when you hear something and it doesn't resonate with you or it's it hits you in a in a way that may be triggering because of past experiences and those things, say that.

00:17:05.599 --> 00:17:12.079
Hey, whoa, you know, when you just said that, that actually was a bit of a trigger for me, or I felt something come up in me.

00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:16.240
And either I don't want that to happen, or could you maybe say it like this?

00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:17.759
That's again being vulnerable.

00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:25.119
But you're also being honest with your spouse to let them know that uh this is actually how I was feeling when that was said.

00:17:25.279 --> 00:17:30.480
And rather than letting that not saying anything and let that build up, let's just let's have that conversation.

00:17:30.720 --> 00:17:31.759
And seek to understand.

00:17:31.839 --> 00:17:36.079
I think it's seeking to understand in that moment, giving your partner that space.

00:17:36.160 --> 00:17:40.720
And just an example of something I think about of like marriage being business, I think two things can be true.

00:17:40.960 --> 00:17:51.200
You go back to, you know, I'm thinking Netflix, we watch Bridgerton and some of the shows where it's back in the day, and it's like you see how it was so business where your families literally arranged marriage.

00:17:51.440 --> 00:17:52.319
Right, right, right, right, right.

00:17:52.559 --> 00:17:57.599
We want another family that's equal status, we want another family that's gonna help us move the lineage forward.

00:17:57.920 --> 00:18:01.440
It was very much about business and not y'all met each other, y'all love each other.

00:18:01.599 --> 00:18:01.839
Right.

00:18:02.000 --> 00:18:10.640
So it became very rare when it's like you're made, you're uh it's a love uh interest or you're in it for the love aspect.

00:18:10.799 --> 00:18:17.359
But I think there is that balance where you don't want it to just be, I don't want to say just, but love is a critical part.

00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:20.799
But how many times do people say, man, we really loved each other or we were really attracted?

00:18:21.039 --> 00:18:29.279
But the aspects of actually being in a relationship together and how we work together and how we put together our finances and blend didn't work well.

00:18:29.599 --> 00:18:39.680
So it's like you do have to look at it from both aspects where love is that critical and uh critical ingredient, just like attraction, a connection, all of those things.

00:18:39.839 --> 00:18:49.680
But then how do we work together and operate and also run our relationship or our marriage, which again, it's like a business and we're running a team together.

00:18:49.920 --> 00:18:50.400
Absolutely.

00:18:50.559 --> 00:19:02.799
And and to add to what you said, going to the business aspect and the marriage aspect, it is it's it's reframing a little bit of what love also looks like.

00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:07.920
Because right, when you do talk about your goals, I would say that that's a form of love because I can help you get to your goals.

00:19:08.160 --> 00:19:08.400
Correct.

00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:12.400
I now know, oh my gosh, I didn't know that you wanted to do that, or that was something right for you.

00:19:12.480 --> 00:19:13.519
You've mentioned a couple of things.

00:19:13.680 --> 00:19:18.640
You want to run a 5K, you want to, you know, um a hall of fame status, right?

00:19:18.720 --> 00:19:19.279
A couple of those things.

00:19:19.359 --> 00:19:20.240
Well, I can help you get there.

00:19:20.319 --> 00:19:21.599
So let's do let's work together.

00:19:21.759 --> 00:19:26.319
To me, you should just sharing your goals with me, I would say that's a form of love, right?

00:19:26.400 --> 00:19:37.279
So it's also kind of reframing a little bit too of although it may sound quote unquote businessy, which how can we look at it more from a love standpoint, right?

00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:38.960
And and and bringing that in.

00:19:39.200 --> 00:20:04.400
So um, I think something else too that we've actually been hearing a lot more from couples is something that's very similar to the silent drift, where couples go from being passionate, love, those things to now being more think partnership in the way of we have kids, we have a routine, we have bills to pay, we have, you know, there's a there's a set mundaneness that can come.

00:20:04.559 --> 00:20:09.359
And then that can be that silent drift where we're not bringing that passion back into our relationship.

00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:17.920
So now, you know, this goes into 42% of women report emotional distance as their top relationship issue.

00:20:18.079 --> 00:20:20.000
And this is in 2025.

00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:29.599
So women are feeling that emotional distance, that silent drift as a major concern in relationships.

00:20:29.759 --> 00:20:36.160
And I and I see it all the time, I hear it all the time, but that goes right into that silent drift or even the roommate effect.

00:20:36.400 --> 00:20:37.440
Yeah, you see it a lot.

00:20:37.519 --> 00:20:48.400
I mean, and and I think also when you go away from that friendship piece, because there's that love, but there's also that friendship as well, where you should genuinely like I even think about you know, want to kick it.

00:20:48.640 --> 00:20:59.039
A question that I that I think was one of the most impactful was you get one ticket, whether it's sports, concert, show, whatever, who's that one person that you would take?

00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:00.960
And a lot of people say it varies, it depends.

00:21:01.039 --> 00:21:04.400
Like, no, I can confidently say one ticket, one event, we're rolling.

00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:05.039
We're rolling.

00:21:05.200 --> 00:21:05.759
No question about it.

00:21:06.000 --> 00:21:06.880
There's not somebody else.

00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:10.240
Not like, ooh, I gotta go through the list, who am I gonna select?

00:21:10.400 --> 00:21:11.359
Like, no, we're rolling.

00:21:11.440 --> 00:21:12.640
It's no question, you're coming with me.

00:21:12.720 --> 00:21:16.079
And then it's not a I feel forced that I have to pick you.

00:21:16.240 --> 00:21:18.880
It's like I'm confident we're gonna have the best time.

00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:38.480
But for a lot of people, I think it's a situation where they aren't best friends or friends with their their partner, and I think a lot of that is due to that silent drift where instead of the things that you maybe used to do together and the fun and the whatever, it's now like, oh, well, I'm off doing fantasy football, you've got the kids.

00:21:38.640 --> 00:21:41.039
Yes, or you're in the market, now we'll start building separate lives.

00:21:41.279 --> 00:21:41.839
Separate lives.

00:21:41.920 --> 00:21:44.000
I've got the mom, like I'm doing the running group.

00:21:44.079 --> 00:21:46.480
Oh, you don't like to run, you go ahead and do Pilates.

00:21:46.799 --> 00:21:50.799
Yes, and now there's all of these things where we're building separate lives, separate relationships.

00:21:50.960 --> 00:21:53.039
Now we're coming together less and less.

00:21:53.440 --> 00:22:04.160
Roommate, just cohabitating really and now it's easier to stay together than and then also we talked about it with the finances, but a lot of people too, financially, how it's intertwined.

00:22:04.240 --> 00:22:12.880
I mean, ask yourself the question on the relationship side if money wasn't a factor, money wasn't an object, would you still be happy in a relationship?

00:22:13.359 --> 00:22:15.599
Because for some people, it's like, man, what if for the financial?

00:22:16.400 --> 00:22:17.599
I can't, it's a situation.

00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:23.680
I can't depart from the relationship because financially we can't afford to be apart, or I can't afford to.

00:22:23.839 --> 00:22:30.799
So if that is the situation, what happens if that person their business booms or they get a new opportunity?

00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:35.839
And you see it, we see it all the time where I know I'm doing me.

00:22:36.079 --> 00:22:36.799
Absolutely.

00:22:36.960 --> 00:22:45.519
And so I want to go to what you mentioned before where you said spouses are, you know, you're on the same couch, but you're both on your phones.

00:22:45.759 --> 00:22:47.119
So there's it's a new word.

00:22:47.200 --> 00:22:56.640
Oh, it's called fobbing and it's phone snubbing, and it's the leading cause of emotional dissatisfaction in relationships.

00:22:56.880 --> 00:23:10.559
So, for example, if you if we're having a conversation like we are right now on this pod, and your phone rings and you pick it up mid-conversation, and that's more you're telling me that's more important than this conversation.

00:23:10.640 --> 00:23:12.880
But really, what I'm thinking is that's more important than me.

00:23:13.039 --> 00:23:14.720
And we see that how often, right?

00:23:14.799 --> 00:23:18.960
Our phones are so a part of our lives now, and that's something on date night that we do.

00:23:19.039 --> 00:23:20.480
We will have no phones on the table.

00:23:20.640 --> 00:23:21.839
The phones are uh put away.

00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:26.240
Obviously, we take them out because we got to get the selfie, selfie food photos, click, click, click, click.

00:23:26.400 --> 00:23:28.000
But as soon as that's done, the phone is away.

00:23:28.240 --> 00:23:28.559
Correct.

00:23:28.720 --> 00:23:36.480
And because you're signaling to your partner, you are important to me, I want you to know that you are, and I'm gonna put my phone away.

00:23:36.640 --> 00:23:38.079
I'm not going to answer it.

00:23:38.240 --> 00:23:46.480
Understand if you have kids, maybe you have an Apple Watch and you can kind of just, you know, lightly glance at it to make sure that there's nothing happening or going on.

00:23:46.720 --> 00:24:02.480
But when you are constantly on your phones, and even when you're out at date night and you're on your phones and you're you're just it's it's signaling very similar to what we talked about with the rings and um a couple of uh podcast episodes before, you not wearing your ring is signaling that you're single.

00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:11.920
You picking up your phone when we're having a conversation is so is showing that you're not present present, that you're not interested in this conversation, and ultimately that you're not interested in me.

00:24:12.079 --> 00:24:15.119
And now that the drift we're drifting apart.

00:24:15.279 --> 00:24:17.519
Remember when we just went out for my birthday?

00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:18.640
That's what I was gonna say.

00:24:18.799 --> 00:24:20.079
We went out to a beautiful steakhouse.

00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:20.720
Please tell.

00:24:20.960 --> 00:24:21.920
Incredible experience.

00:24:22.000 --> 00:24:24.640
I mean, this is a beautiful spot, expensive.

00:24:24.799 --> 00:24:27.519
You invested your time, you got dressed up, couples are out.

00:24:27.599 --> 00:24:31.279
We're sitting here, there's two couples directly in our line of sight, straight in front of us.

00:24:31.440 --> 00:24:33.519
We can't help but see both couples.

00:24:33.599 --> 00:24:36.799
So, and we were there first, so we're seeing them from coming in to their dinner.

00:24:37.279 --> 00:24:39.119
We're facing to the restaurant, correct.

00:24:39.200 --> 00:24:40.559
So we're facing out.

00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:44.960
One couple, the furthest one from us, from when they got in and sat down.

00:24:45.279 --> 00:24:45.599
I feel so.

00:24:45.920 --> 00:24:50.960
And again, you you know, naturally, we're look not people watching, but a little people watching just because you're there and you're enjoying yourself.

00:24:51.279 --> 00:24:53.920
And I mean, literally, his phone is ringing, he's on the phone.

00:24:54.000 --> 00:24:55.279
Yeah, he's texting on the table.

00:24:56.880 --> 00:24:57.359
I can't.

00:24:57.440 --> 00:24:59.119
It's giving it's giving shady boots.

00:24:59.200 --> 00:25:02.720
It's giving and I'm gonna say, even if you're not being even if you're not being shady.

00:25:04.079 --> 00:25:04.480
I hear you.

00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:16.079
Even if you're not being shady, and I'm just gonna give the guy the benefit of the doubt that his phone is under the table because he's not trying to be rude and have the phone on the table, which it did get to on the table, it's still being rude, right?

00:25:16.319 --> 00:25:20.319
And so it just was like And she wasn't on her phone, she wasn't on her phone at all looking at him.

00:25:20.400 --> 00:25:23.119
She starts looking around the restaurant, she takes a priority.

00:25:23.759 --> 00:25:25.519
She's looking like it's not, you're not a priority.

00:25:25.680 --> 00:25:26.400
She's not so bad for her.

00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:27.359
But then there's another one.

00:25:27.440 --> 00:25:28.319
So that was a couple.

00:25:28.480 --> 00:25:29.519
Yes, boom.

00:25:29.680 --> 00:25:33.359
Another couple closest to us, they look like they've been married, been together for a while.

00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:34.960
It was so bad.

00:25:35.119 --> 00:25:38.000
Not only was he on his phone, he turned the baseball game on.

00:25:38.160 --> 00:25:39.119
I know during dinner.

00:25:39.440 --> 00:25:40.079
This is a stakeout.

00:25:40.400 --> 00:25:43.119
Propped the phone up and was watching the game.

00:25:43.279 --> 00:25:43.599
I know.

00:25:43.920 --> 00:25:51.759
Or watching the game, and then and then had his wife looking into your he was look, he personally was looking at the phone first, and then she's looking around.

00:25:52.240 --> 00:25:52.960
Like, what are you doing?

00:25:53.119 --> 00:25:53.839
She's okay.

00:25:53.920 --> 00:25:56.240
Well, then I want to be a part of what you're a part of.

00:25:56.319 --> 00:25:58.400
That's what's taking your attention right now.

00:25:58.480 --> 00:26:01.359
So can you like might as well put the phone in between us?

00:26:01.519 --> 00:26:02.160
Then he puts the phone.

00:26:02.480 --> 00:26:03.920
She might not have been interested in the game.

00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:05.759
I'm like, yo, this is I know.

00:26:05.920 --> 00:26:07.920
And I and again, I'm a huge Lions fan.

00:26:08.079 --> 00:26:09.759
I understand, like, be intentional.

00:26:09.920 --> 00:26:14.480
Like, I'm not going out to the steakhouse when the Lions game is on if I know I'm gonna be watching a game.

00:26:14.799 --> 00:26:21.839
But don't go and then be distracted and then be able to say, I checked the box of going out on date night when you weren't even present.

00:26:22.160 --> 00:26:23.920
Well, remember, fellas is it.

00:26:24.160 --> 00:26:27.680
Fellas and ladies, your presence is a gift, it is a present.

00:26:27.839 --> 00:26:28.079
Amen.

00:26:28.319 --> 00:26:33.519
So if you're gifting it or giving it to somebody else, your partner will feel like they're getting the short end of the stick.

00:26:33.759 --> 00:26:34.400
Yes.

00:26:34.720 --> 00:26:35.359
Yes.

00:26:35.680 --> 00:26:46.160
Now I want to jump into a couple of questions because we're also realizing that uh the listeners enjoy the questions because also they're I we love to hear you all weigh in as well.

00:26:46.319 --> 00:26:51.920
Because we being curious and being lifelong learners, we love to hear different people's perspectives.

00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:58.960
So uh, do you feel closer to your partner through conversation or through time spent together?

00:27:00.160 --> 00:27:01.119
I would say both.

00:27:01.279 --> 00:27:04.720
I mean, I think during the time spent together, there's also your five love languages too.

00:27:05.039 --> 00:27:07.519
So time spent together, but then there's also meaningful conversation.

00:27:07.680 --> 00:27:14.319
So, like I appreciate the fact that we could be together, be silent, and just go for a car ride, and that's cool.

00:27:14.559 --> 00:27:21.200
But also we could be on a car ride and have a deep dialogue about five, ten, fifteen years from now on that same ride.

00:27:21.359 --> 00:27:22.960
So I think it goes hand in hand.

00:27:23.359 --> 00:27:30.160
Um and it is key when you can because sometimes there's moments where it's like, man, you have one of them days, I just need you to just sit with me and silence.

00:27:30.400 --> 00:27:32.079
Yeah, I've been talking all day today.

00:27:32.240 --> 00:27:35.359
Uh critical, you know, uh thinking all day today.

00:27:35.599 --> 00:27:41.519
Okay, is texting your partner throughout the day helping your conversation, or is it replacing intimacy?

00:27:42.559 --> 00:27:46.160
So I would say for us, texting throughout the day is not replacing intimacy.

00:27:46.400 --> 00:27:46.559
No.

00:27:46.799 --> 00:27:48.559
To me, it's added to correct.

00:27:48.720 --> 00:27:54.559
Because again, it kind of goes back to that if you have one ticket, or you who is that one person that you want to share something with?

00:27:55.039 --> 00:27:55.359
Right?

00:27:55.519 --> 00:28:01.839
So you see that funny meme or or whatever it may be, like, are you sending that to the group chat with the fellas or to the homie?

00:28:01.920 --> 00:28:03.920
Are you sending that to your wife as well?

00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:07.039
And now y'all have an inside joke to chuckle at when you get home.

00:28:07.440 --> 00:28:09.440
Which again, there's different things for different audiences.

00:28:09.599 --> 00:28:15.039
Like, you know, they had the compilation of the biggest hits of like biggest NFL hits of like what the game used to look like.

00:28:15.279 --> 00:28:16.400
Like, I didn't send that to you.

00:28:16.480 --> 00:28:18.720
Like I sent that to you know, some of my old teammates.

00:28:18.880 --> 00:28:22.720
But for the most part, like when I do see things, I want to share them with you.

00:28:22.880 --> 00:28:26.319
So it's like there is that texting and there's that communication throughout the day.

00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:32.400
Because if you think about it, right, like a lot of times people's are phone, your phone is either in your hand, you're checking your phone.

00:28:32.799 --> 00:28:40.400
I mean, I would feel some type of way if the whole day went by and there was not a lot of text back and forth for confirmations, which I think is a whole nother thing of just communication.

00:28:40.559 --> 00:28:41.599
Hey babe, I made it.

00:28:41.839 --> 00:28:51.599
Like I appreciate that that communication, that step of knowing, like, oh, you made it to this spot or to and from, which you don't have to do, but we just do from an engagement standpoint.

00:28:53.039 --> 00:28:53.680
I love that.

00:28:53.920 --> 00:28:55.519
Yeah, I I I agree.

00:28:55.680 --> 00:29:16.160
And also because we live in the digital age and uh a lot of things are accessible, are you using right those memes and you know funny things to check the box, as you said, for well, I communicated with you today.

00:29:16.400 --> 00:29:16.799
Correct.

00:29:17.440 --> 00:29:23.759
Or are you or do we need to shift the mindset to be what what's the deep conversation that we had, right?

00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:31.039
Because when you're in a marriage specifically and you have that love that should be at the center for us, obviously, is God too, right?

00:29:31.119 --> 00:29:33.519
But having that love at the center, you need to feel that.

00:29:33.680 --> 00:29:37.680
Like, what are you doing to fill that love cup and fill your love tank?

00:29:37.839 --> 00:29:41.680
That's what we usually say, and that's also from the five love languages.

00:29:41.920 --> 00:29:47.440
And so this goes into can a relationship survive long term without deep conversation?

00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:48.799
I would say no.

00:29:49.039 --> 00:29:49.519
I would say no.

00:29:49.599 --> 00:29:50.079
I would say no.

00:29:50.319 --> 00:29:52.480
It's harder to survive long term without deep conversation.

00:29:52.640 --> 00:29:53.279
Yeah, long term.

00:29:53.359 --> 00:29:58.000
I mean, if you think about what the deep conversation um signals, right?

00:29:59.200 --> 00:29:59.839
I'm sharing.

00:30:00.160 --> 00:30:04.880
Sharing with you my deeper thoughts, maybe my dreams, my visions.

00:30:05.039 --> 00:30:07.440
Like to me, that also ties in.

00:30:07.680 --> 00:30:14.160
But how often do we hear, you know, it's gonna trigger somebody, but how often do we hear people say they got a work husband or a work wife?

00:30:15.279 --> 00:30:18.079
And that's the person they're sharing all the things at home with.

00:30:18.240 --> 00:30:20.240
That's the person we hear that so often.

00:30:20.319 --> 00:30:21.680
They're like, oh, that's my work husband.

00:30:21.839 --> 00:30:24.240
And I'm sharing all of the things, I'm giggling and joking.

00:30:24.319 --> 00:30:30.000
And I look forward to people looking forward to work because that's where they're like, let me tell you about so-and-so.

00:30:30.319 --> 00:30:37.680
Yes, it's giving, Usher, you make me wanna, you make me wanna leave the one I'm with, start a new relationship with you.

00:30:38.960 --> 00:30:40.160
That's his giving right there.

00:30:40.640 --> 00:30:45.359
Uh so I just have there's a couple of talking points too that I quickly want to go over.

00:30:45.519 --> 00:30:48.880
So uh emotional neglect isn't always intentional.

00:30:49.039 --> 00:30:50.400
I think that was really interesting.

00:30:50.480 --> 00:30:59.039
It often comes from survival mode, which we've seen before, where there are times where the the issues just seem to be compounding.

00:30:59.119 --> 00:31:01.519
I mean, it's one after the other after the other.

00:31:01.680 --> 00:31:08.480
I'm not purposely trying to emotionally neglect you, but I'm just trying to get through this season.

00:31:08.559 --> 00:31:10.160
Like I just need to get through this.

00:31:10.319 --> 00:31:17.519
But in my opinion, that's actually when you should probably put 10 toes down even deeper into your relationship.

00:31:17.839 --> 00:31:28.400
And that's when you need to rely on the other person because emotionally, this is the person that you should be able to be emotionally safe with, vulnerable with.

00:31:28.640 --> 00:31:32.240
Let people know, okay, I mean, we're we're in this situation.

00:31:32.400 --> 00:31:33.839
This is how I'm feeling about it.

00:31:34.000 --> 00:31:38.400
And emotionally, it's tough for me to be able to give right now.

00:31:38.480 --> 00:31:46.400
And so, how what are other ways that I can give that aren't requiring that much from me right now, if that makes sense?

00:31:46.640 --> 00:31:48.400
No, I mean, I think a great example of that.

00:31:48.559 --> 00:31:51.359
I mean, we heard um was it Judge Mathis?

00:31:51.759 --> 00:32:05.039
Yes, basically said he basically said him working his season, which that season sounded like it lasted about 20 years, which is him grinding, judge, show, reality TV, all the things, but it was all about work.

00:32:05.200 --> 00:32:07.920
And it was all about that focus and all about that grind, and he's making money.

00:32:08.079 --> 00:32:08.640
That's what I'm saying.

00:32:08.720 --> 00:32:11.279
And he said Was he also the one that is the breadwinner too?

00:32:11.680 --> 00:32:15.119
It sounded like it, but it sounded like also his wife's feeling neglect, right?

00:32:15.279 --> 00:32:16.799
Feeling neglect, feeling neglect.

00:32:16.960 --> 00:32:20.640
And in his mind, maybe, hey, I'm providing, I'm providing, I'm providing.

00:32:20.799 --> 00:32:22.960
And she may be saying, I need quality time.

00:32:23.279 --> 00:32:25.359
I would actually be okay if you didn't know.

00:32:25.519 --> 00:32:28.640
If you pulled back from work, like if you maybe how much money is enough money.

00:32:28.799 --> 00:32:32.559
And that's that's a great call out because the mindset can always be more.

00:32:32.799 --> 00:32:45.440
And in his mind, it's maybe he's doing more to provide for his family, but then you get there with all of that money, or you hit your number, let's just say it's X amount of millions of dollars, and now you're in a million-dollar house by yourself.

00:32:45.839 --> 00:32:55.200
Or you're in a million-dollar house and you've been silently drifting, and your wife's in the other room or in another wing of the house, and it's like, well, dang, how did we end up here?

00:32:55.279 --> 00:33:00.799
And now you're trying to rebuild, which I do, I did think judge, I think I did see a selfie with him and his wife together on thread.

00:33:00.880 --> 00:33:02.319
So I'm glad to see they're working it out.

00:33:02.640 --> 00:33:05.440
So it can happen, but again, he had to shift his priorities.

00:33:05.680 --> 00:33:16.880
That, but then also sometimes there is if the emotional neglect has gone on for too long, yeah, it then becomes I have to protect my peace.

00:33:16.960 --> 00:33:17.119
Yeah.

00:33:17.279 --> 00:33:32.880
And so I may need to remove myself from this marriage, uh, whether it's a separation or you're going straight to divorce to be able to then know and figure out do I want to move on and move forward with the rest of my life this way?

00:33:32.960 --> 00:33:36.480
Because you're also talking, I mean, they might be in their late 60s, early 70s.

00:33:36.559 --> 00:33:39.680
So they're also coming from the generation of men are providers, yeah.

00:33:39.759 --> 00:33:43.279
Different, it's it, you know, there's different aspects of it.

00:33:43.440 --> 00:33:47.200
I would say that he's uh a baby boomer heading into silent generation.

00:33:47.440 --> 00:33:50.160
So there's right, those different generational pieces there.

00:33:50.400 --> 00:33:56.160
When your spouse says, I'm fine, are you protecting your peace or are you avoiding truth?

00:33:56.400 --> 00:33:56.880
I'm fine.

00:33:56.960 --> 00:33:58.960
Like, no, everything's fine, but you know it's not fine.

00:33:59.279 --> 00:33:59.599
Oh, yeah.

00:34:00.079 --> 00:34:01.440
Anytime you hear that's fine, it's not fine.

00:34:01.599 --> 00:34:02.240
It's not fine.

00:34:02.400 --> 00:34:02.960
Know that.

00:34:03.200 --> 00:34:03.599
Know that.

00:34:04.000 --> 00:34:05.200
Especially coming from nothing.

00:34:05.519 --> 00:34:06.240
Especially coming from women.

00:34:06.720 --> 00:34:07.920
I'm I'm fine.

00:34:09.679 --> 00:34:10.719
You're not fine.

00:34:10.960 --> 00:34:11.679
I'm not fine.

00:34:11.920 --> 00:34:14.000
What else is interchangeable for I'm fine?

00:34:14.239 --> 00:34:14.880
I'm good.

00:34:15.119 --> 00:34:15.599
I'm good.

00:34:15.840 --> 00:34:16.320
I'm okay.

00:34:16.480 --> 00:34:17.039
I'm all right.

00:34:17.280 --> 00:34:18.000
I'm not hungry.

00:34:18.159 --> 00:34:19.039
I'm doing good.

00:34:19.199 --> 00:34:20.079
I got it.

00:34:20.239 --> 00:34:22.320
I'm always hungry, so that's me too.

00:34:22.400 --> 00:34:26.000
I feel that so, but are you protecting your peace or are you avoiding truth?

00:34:26.320 --> 00:34:29.199
Avoiding truth, in my opinion, in a lot of those situations, right?

00:34:29.280 --> 00:34:33.679
And sometimes people are guilty of saying they're fine because they want their partner to dig.

00:34:33.840 --> 00:34:34.880
I want you to ask me again.

00:34:34.960 --> 00:34:36.400
I want you to ask me what's really wrong.

00:34:36.480 --> 00:34:38.400
I want you to or I don't want to argue.

00:34:38.639 --> 00:34:40.880
Or I don't want to argue, or I don't want to talk about it, right?

00:34:41.039 --> 00:34:48.159
Which it's okay if you don't want to talk about it now, but it's not okay for the answer to be I'm good, and we never address what's really going on.

00:34:48.719 --> 00:34:50.480
And that's another block and the resentment.

00:34:51.280 --> 00:34:55.119
Or resentment, or you're in the group chat talking to your friends about it and not to me.

00:34:55.360 --> 00:34:55.679
Correct.

00:34:55.840 --> 00:34:57.360
And that's another or to your partner, right?

00:34:57.599 --> 00:34:58.400
That's another disconnect.

00:34:58.719 --> 00:34:58.960
Correct.

00:34:59.119 --> 00:34:59.679
Well, interesting.

00:34:59.760 --> 00:35:13.280
So it says protecting peace, but I would say that it it can be a a defense mechanism where you're trying to protect yourself because you maybe don't trust yourself emotionally sometimes to be able to express what you want to.

00:35:13.440 --> 00:35:22.239
But then, yeah, I would say I'm fine is also avoiding the truth, which goes back to are you an avoidant when it comes to your attachment style?

00:35:22.400 --> 00:35:40.559
Uh, have you also been in a position where you feel as if the emotional safety is high enough to where even if I don't know necessarily what I'm saying, because that happens too sometimes, is I I don't know how to pinpoint what this feeling is.

00:35:40.639 --> 00:35:45.280
I know I'm feeling something, yeah, but I don't know how to pinpoint it or how to how to verbally communicate it.

00:35:45.519 --> 00:35:51.840
And so I need to protect myself because uh, you know, it can turn into a full breakdown sometimes.

00:35:51.920 --> 00:35:53.920
I mean, we've we've seen it.

00:35:54.079 --> 00:35:55.280
We've also had that happen.

00:35:55.440 --> 00:36:07.119
At least I can speak to myself, where I've had a um, you know, the feelings and everything can be so overwhelming of, you know, what you're trying to say, how you're trying to say it, being mindful, uh, the people pleasing, right?

00:36:07.199 --> 00:36:13.119
Those things that you can just, ooh, let me, let me protect, protect myself and avoid this a little bit.

00:36:13.599 --> 00:36:16.239
Uh, so I think that's a big key key factor there.

00:36:16.480 --> 00:36:26.400
So now as we jump in, when was the last time you really listened to your partner without planning your response?

00:36:26.639 --> 00:36:33.440
And this is again more so a question for the listeners of being able to ask your spouse this.

00:36:33.760 --> 00:36:35.920
But really, if you think about it, this is internal.

00:36:36.480 --> 00:36:43.440
Are you already planning your responses before you're truly listening to what your partner is saying to you?

00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:44.960
That's a great question.

00:36:45.119 --> 00:36:56.880
I think um for me personally, and I just I'm thinking uh about how I think about my responses, and it's something that I'm working on because I wouldn't say I'm planning my response instead of listening.

00:36:57.360 --> 00:37:06.719
I think my challenge that I'm working through is I'm trying to solve I'm trying to find a solution for you, and a lot of times you're not looking for a solution, you're just venting.

00:37:06.800 --> 00:37:13.280
I usually 99% of the time I already have the solution, but it still doesn't mean that it's not frustrating or correct.

00:37:13.360 --> 00:37:19.039
And that no, but it's it's good, and that's why I asked you to also let me know from and this is just a good tip from a communication perspective.

00:37:19.599 --> 00:37:20.559
And we just learned this.

00:37:20.719 --> 00:37:21.360
We just talked about this.

00:37:21.679 --> 00:37:22.639
We're nine years into marriage, y'all.

00:37:22.880 --> 00:37:30.639
Come on, now it's it's a constant learning, but let me know when you're venting versus when you want me to solve this.

00:37:30.719 --> 00:37:34.559
Like, hey, this is a pro like how do we fix this versus man?

00:37:34.639 --> 00:37:36.960
Let me tell you what happened today and just XYZ.

00:37:37.039 --> 00:37:41.199
Because I can just listen, but a lot of times I'm listening to be like, okay, this is the challenge.

00:37:41.360 --> 00:37:41.679
Boom.

00:37:41.840 --> 00:37:43.360
Okay, how are we gonna rearrange?

00:37:43.519 --> 00:37:48.400
And I'm in problem solve mode, which is just something that I have to work through to just be a listener sometimes.

00:37:48.559 --> 00:37:50.639
Yes, a very simple question.

00:37:50.960 --> 00:37:54.320
Do you want me to listen or do you want a vent?

00:37:54.559 --> 00:38:02.000
Yeah, very simple, because now you're already setting yourself, and this is as soon as that conversation happens, not halfway through.

00:38:02.159 --> 00:38:04.159
Um, sometimes it can happen, I guess, after, right?

00:38:04.480 --> 00:38:06.320
Or you don't want to cut off, maybe it's before you respond.

00:38:06.400 --> 00:38:08.960
Hey, hey, were you do we, yeah, were you?

00:38:09.199 --> 00:38:09.840
Do you want me to solve that?

00:38:09.920 --> 00:38:10.719
Do you want me to solve that?

00:38:10.880 --> 00:38:14.400
Were you looking for a response from me, my opinion, or do you just want a vent?

00:38:14.480 --> 00:38:24.639
Because a lot of times, too, for women, we just want a vent, which is why we kiki on the phone or you know, in group tax, just because I just want to get this off my chest, but I don't need necessarily a solution.

00:38:24.800 --> 00:38:26.880
And so it this goes right into another question.

00:38:27.039 --> 00:38:32.239
Could you spend one day without correcting or interrupting your partner?

00:38:32.800 --> 00:38:33.440
Yes.

00:38:33.760 --> 00:38:37.039
Yeah, I would say yes for us, but I don't know if a lot of people can do that.

00:38:37.199 --> 00:38:45.679
Yeah, I would say yes, but I would say sometimes my challenge with interrupting you is sometimes we think alike, and I'm already like, you know, I'm finished, we finish in sentences.

00:38:45.760 --> 00:38:49.840
I'm like, oh, like I'm already thinking like, oh, were you thinking X, Y, Z?

00:38:49.920 --> 00:38:52.079
But again, still something where I don't want to interrupt.

00:38:52.159 --> 00:38:53.199
I want to let you finish.

00:38:53.280 --> 00:38:54.639
So it's just being mindful of that.

00:38:54.719 --> 00:38:58.159
Sometimes we just get excited to share something, or it's like, I didn't mean to cut you off.

00:38:58.239 --> 00:38:58.639
I'm sorry.

00:38:58.880 --> 00:38:59.760
Yes, I know.

00:38:59.920 --> 00:39:02.079
You you probably hear it on the pod sometimes too.

00:39:02.320 --> 00:39:03.599
So interesting enough, right?

00:39:03.760 --> 00:39:18.800
Typically we want to be able to give some sort of solutions or some sort of next steps, tools, resources for you, the listeners, to be able to take into your uh lives and make them a little bit easier.

00:39:18.960 --> 00:39:22.000
Life is hard right now, life is literally lifing right now.

00:39:22.239 --> 00:39:26.559
So something that we like to do is right, it's talking more, connecting deeper.

00:39:26.719 --> 00:39:32.559
And so it can look like, let's call it, you know, the couply fit communication cycle, maybe.

00:39:32.800 --> 00:39:35.519
And um, so number one, pause.

00:39:35.679 --> 00:39:38.239
So don't react, but breathe.

00:39:38.400 --> 00:39:40.000
And I think this is very important.

00:39:40.159 --> 00:39:45.280
Take that breath, count down five, four, three, two, one.

00:39:45.760 --> 00:39:56.559
Because typically we already have a response in our head and you're not truly listening, and then things can get misconstrued, it can turn into something bigger than it needs to be, right?

00:39:56.639 --> 00:39:59.840
Make the main thing the main thing on an argument or a discussion.

00:40:00.079 --> 00:40:09.760
But before you react, take that quick breath, that quick second, because it's oftentimes that's when you will shift your mind, the your mindset will then shift.

00:40:10.079 --> 00:40:14.559
Okay, take the breath, ask the question that we just mentioned.

00:40:14.800 --> 00:40:16.559
Do you want me to solve this?

00:40:16.800 --> 00:40:18.000
Do you want to vent?

00:40:18.239 --> 00:40:19.679
What are you looking for from me?

00:40:20.400 --> 00:40:20.960
What do you think?

00:40:21.280 --> 00:40:21.840
Yeah, absolutely.

00:40:22.159 --> 00:40:22.480
That pause.

00:40:23.679 --> 00:40:37.039
Something else that I like too that we've you know, we've implemented if you are solving a problem or it is beyond the venting, asking yourself, is this a six hour, six day, six weeks, six months?

00:40:37.199 --> 00:40:40.400
Like, how big is this challenge or this issue that we're talking about?

00:40:40.559 --> 00:40:45.119
Because sometimes it's not worth stressing out or overdoing it or any of those things.

00:40:45.199 --> 00:40:47.760
Cause like, yo, this is a six-hour problem, like, this is gonna be done today.

00:40:48.000 --> 00:40:49.039
Like this is a six-hour problem.

00:40:49.280 --> 00:40:49.440
Correct.

00:40:49.599 --> 00:40:51.199
We're gonna be over with over this by tomorrow.

00:40:51.360 --> 00:40:52.239
Yes, love that.

00:40:52.400 --> 00:40:56.400
So I that kind of goes into what you were mentioning with validate.

00:40:56.639 --> 00:41:02.639
So before you go into fixing something, first let your partner know I heard you, right?

00:41:02.719 --> 00:41:04.719
I've mentioned this in our first episode.

00:41:04.960 --> 00:41:10.239
Every person in every relationship wants to be seen, heard, and valued.

00:41:10.400 --> 00:41:18.719
Valued can be interchanged with appreciated, but let me know that you heard me before you start going into problem-solving mode, okay?

00:41:19.039 --> 00:41:20.880
And then also reframe.

00:41:21.440 --> 00:41:35.760
So rather than trying to solve or, you know, have other aspects of uh venting or fixing, reframe it to I want clarity.

00:41:35.920 --> 00:41:39.440
Can you give me more clarity on this piece so I can learn more about it?

00:41:39.599 --> 00:41:41.119
Tell me more about this, right?

00:41:41.199 --> 00:41:57.760
Being kind of curious in your conversation with your spouse to so that you can reframe and maybe even shift some perspectives, shift your, shift your your framework of how you may approach the situation or problem so that it can then turn into reconnection.

00:41:58.079 --> 00:42:03.920
So even in the hard conversations, remembering you are on the same team.

00:42:04.079 --> 00:42:08.559
You are on the maybe not the same page, but we're on the same team.

00:42:08.719 --> 00:42:11.920
We're trying to get from point A to point B together.

00:42:12.079 --> 00:42:13.679
That's a part of being married.

00:42:13.920 --> 00:42:18.480
We're on this journey together and remembering that you're on that team to reconnect.

00:42:18.880 --> 00:42:22.320
Teamwork makes the dream work, and that's whether that's business, marriage, right?

00:42:22.400 --> 00:42:43.360
But you gotta make sure that you're from a team perspective, you're continuing to work together, you're working like you you like the goal is to continue to progress and and reach that, you know, kind of that north star or that place that you guys are working towards together, which and not getting lost in that because every day, like what do they say, the days are long and the years fly by.

00:42:44.480 --> 00:42:45.760
Absolutely, absolutely.

00:42:45.920 --> 00:42:56.320
So before we wrap up, I just want to do uh, you know, for the listeners, for you all at home, you can do a quick touch base with each other at the end of each each night just to be able to check in.

00:42:56.559 --> 00:42:59.519
And so um a couple of these questions I really like.

00:42:59.760 --> 00:43:03.920
So number one, what was one thing you needed today that I missed?

00:43:04.880 --> 00:43:06.159
I think that's so good.

00:43:06.480 --> 00:43:08.239
Cause we're gonna take some of these too.

00:43:08.400 --> 00:43:11.039
Uh, how can I love you better tomorrow?

00:43:12.320 --> 00:43:13.440
How can I support you?

00:43:13.679 --> 00:43:15.440
How can I support you better tomorrow?

00:43:15.599 --> 00:43:17.679
If this is the end of the night conversation.

00:43:17.920 --> 00:43:31.760
And then something I really enjoy too that we do, what are your roses and thorns from today, or what are some of your wins and some of your, you know, areas of improvement or challenges that you face.

00:43:32.000 --> 00:43:43.599
And a lot of times it's easy to think about the neg that one negative thing, that ticket you got, that you know, whatever it was, that one life, that one piece of bad feedback, or that thing that life was lifing.

00:43:43.679 --> 00:43:54.639
But look at all of those other areas, the compliments you got, the person that you helped, the wins you had, the fact that you got gas in your car, like the little things that are wins that somebody would wish or right now, food on the table.

00:43:54.880 --> 00:43:57.119
Food on the table, or maybe even the things that you wish for.

00:43:57.199 --> 00:44:07.920
I mean, I remember again, things that we just wish for was like, man, to not have to worry about finances or to not have to worry about, you know, when is the first, the first is around the corner.

00:44:08.000 --> 00:44:18.239
Like those are little things that you should count it all joy and already be grateful that again, you have a roof over your head and those types of things, and that you're able to keep building on that foundation together.

00:44:18.480 --> 00:44:19.679
Yes, I get to.

00:44:19.920 --> 00:44:20.239
I get to.

00:44:21.280 --> 00:44:21.920
I get to go to work.

00:44:22.079 --> 00:44:22.719
I get to go to work.

00:44:25.440 --> 00:44:36.960
I get to have a relationship with somebody in this world that makes me feel comfortable, confident, you know, is making me feel emotionally secure and safe, right?

00:44:37.039 --> 00:44:38.320
And in a few of those.

00:44:38.480 --> 00:44:41.760
And lastly, I really like this, and this is something that we can add in.

00:44:41.920 --> 00:44:43.599
How is your heart today?

00:44:44.079 --> 00:44:44.880
That's not good.

00:44:45.119 --> 00:44:47.760
Because people ask sometimes how's your health today, but not how's your heart today?

00:44:47.840 --> 00:44:48.639
I really love that.

00:44:49.199 --> 00:44:57.039
You know, um, and and being able to continue to grow, be stronger, be here together, the togetherness that's so key.

00:44:57.280 --> 00:44:57.920
Feeling better together.

00:44:58.079 --> 00:44:58.480
Absolutely.

00:44:58.559 --> 00:45:06.079
And and speaking of feeling better, we always feel the best when we're here at the at Backlot Studios, the home of the best podcast in Arizona.

00:45:06.239 --> 00:45:08.000
So definitely shout out to the team.

00:45:08.079 --> 00:45:12.960
We uh we always appreciate being able to bring you all these incredible topics and things that you're asking for.

00:45:13.280 --> 00:45:16.559
Yes, it's been uh a great episode.

00:45:16.719 --> 00:45:20.000
I'm really glad that we were able to touch on this a little bit more.

00:45:20.159 --> 00:45:23.679
Uh, I know that this is something that I've been hearing more often.

00:45:23.760 --> 00:45:28.960
I'm sure you have too, just from other people in their relationships and what we've also been able to observe.

00:45:29.119 --> 00:45:31.679
And as always, we are not experts in this.

00:45:31.840 --> 00:45:32.639
You just heard us.

00:45:32.719 --> 00:45:38.159
We're gonna be adding in a couple of of those questions that we just mentioned in into our daily routines.

00:45:38.320 --> 00:45:40.639
And just remembering that you're on this journey together.

00:45:40.800 --> 00:45:43.360
You want to be able to find solutions together.

00:45:43.519 --> 00:45:45.360
And what are your shared values?

00:45:45.519 --> 00:46:00.960
How can we move forward together in ways that um a lot of people are looking to be able to find that person that they can be with and not have to be in this loneliness epidemic that's really happening right now?

00:46:01.119 --> 00:46:13.760
And so put the phones down, have those critical conversations, uh, really have that deep conversation and deep connection to the person that you are on this journey with and that you're building a life with.

00:46:14.000 --> 00:46:15.599
So anything else you want to add?

00:46:15.840 --> 00:46:18.960
Yeah, I just I'm so grateful that we're on the journey together.

00:46:19.039 --> 00:46:27.280
Yes, you know, we talk about teaching what teaching what we've been taught by living what we learn so others can taste and see that the Lord is good all the time.

00:46:27.679 --> 00:46:29.199
All the time, all the time.

00:46:29.440 --> 00:46:32.960
Thank you, Couply Fit fam, for watching another episode.

00:46:33.199 --> 00:46:36.639
If you are following us on YouTube, please like and subscribe.

00:46:36.800 --> 00:46:43.280
If you're following us on social media, it is at Couply Fit, C O U U, P L E Y F I T.

00:46:44.159 --> 00:46:48.960
As always, keep growing, glowing, and feeling better together.

00:46:49.280 --> 00:46:49.920
Bye.