Sept. 30, 2025

Episode 52: The Truth About the Seven-Year Itch

Episode 52: The Truth About the Seven-Year Itch
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Season 1

Marriage tips and relationship advice for every season of love, from honeymoon to legacy.

Marriage moves in seasons, not straight lines. In this episode, we walk through the six phases most couples face and share the habits that turn tension into teamwork. From the honeymoon buzz to the quitting zone and beyond, you’ll hear real talk on money, routines, intimacy, and keeping curiosity alive.

Whether you’re two years in or twenty-five, this episode will help you grow together and build a love that lasts.

00:00 - Setting Up The Six Phases

00:32 - Inside The Honeymoon Years

03:20 - Responsibilities, Red Flags, And Pace

06:40 - Reality Check: Years Two To Five

10:45 - Conflict, Communication, And Therapy

14:16 - The Quitting Zone: Five To Seven

19:00 - Getting Past Comparison And Money Myths

21:20 - Stability: Years Seven To Fifteen

25:10 - When To Leave Versus When To Push Through

27:12 - Growth And Renewal: Fifteen To Twenty-Five

29:50 - Legacy: Impact, Alignment, And Mentorship

31:20 - Final Takeaways And Calls To Action

WEBVTT

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Hey Coupley Fit Fam, welcome back to another episode.

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Today we are talking about the six phases of marriage.

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Marriage is a series of seasons.

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Some are easy, some test you, but every stage builds foundation for the next.

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You don't want to miss it.

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All right, let's jump in.

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Woo! If you listen to our last episode, we talked about how to keep the spark alive after the honeymoon phase.

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But let's get into the honeymoon phase, which is zero to two years.

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Now in the honeymoon phase, it's all about love.

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It's romance, it's fresh, it's fun.

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It's all of the amazing things that you can think of.

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But you might also be ignoring some red flags during this phase.

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You may have seen some things and you're like, uh, you know.

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Reality sets.

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Is this a yellow or is this a red?

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Yeah, no, and reality reality sets in.

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When you're in a zero to two, you're you're now uh in a situation where depending on if y'all live together beforehand, it's settling in, right?

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Like, because now it's not just the the fun times of like you're pulling up on me or I'm pulling up on you, like no, we're really here.

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And also, how do people operate when you do have those moments where maybe you argue or you have some bad days or a bad day or whatever?

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What is the energy in the house look like and what are the vibes like?

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Because now, two years in, it's like, man, sometimes when we've talked to people and they're like, Yo, I'm rethinking it all.

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Yes, yes, you're absolutely right.

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Uh, sometimes, right, during this phase, you can be skipping those deep conversations.

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And a lot of time, what are some of the words?

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I'm having so much fun.

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This is so fresh, it's exciting.

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Oh my, I love this.

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And to that point, it's I've got my wifey cup, it's the wifey cup, right?

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Where the hubby, the hubby hat.

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Yes, we're wearing matching hubby and wifey sweatsuits.

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And and the likes and the comments and and the social media buzz from the wedding photos and all that.

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Oh, yeah.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Two years, that that that buzz has already been.

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We're starting that two-year markets.

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We're we've already we've already passed that initial buzz and excitement.

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Maybe it's I'm now a new parent.

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Correct.

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That could be a thing.

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That's a lot of people's next phase.

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And we're seeing a lot of people, we're seeing two things happen.

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Some people are waiting to start the family because either they're working on the foundation or they're building career.

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But then there's other people that are like, yo, I'm jumping into the baby phase because like we have to.

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Right.

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Like, that's the some people think of it as like a life rap, like we're gonna now love this being.

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Yeah, but then you we hear from the couples that are 20 years married or 17.

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It's like, yo, the kid just went to college, and now we're like, who MC Nesters?

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Who am I sitting in the house with now that the kid's gone?

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Correct.

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And that's why there is uh uh a jump in divorces, unfortunately, when kids do end up going to college.

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That's the glue because right, the kids were the glue.

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We hear it's also we weren't dating and intentionally dating throughout that time, which in the honeymoon phase, that is a great time to start those habits.

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And if you're listening to this episode, we want you to quickly go back to our last one where we talked about how to keep the spark alive after the honeymoon phase.

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That's gonna really be able to give you some great ideas on how to date intentionally, how to make sure that you're having microhabits that are leading you down a road of keeping your marriage uh intact and also keeping it to a point where you're you're choosing that person every day.

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And and normalize, normalize keeping your responsibilities low.

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Like you already have the responsibility of the marriage.

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You don't have to immediately get a dog.

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Right.

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You don't have to immediately get a house, you don't have to immediately start having kids and start a family because those are all added responsibilities, bills, financial.

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Like, and some of them can be burdens.

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Like, how many times have we heard somebody like, man, my dog ate something and they're at the vet?

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Or like, yeah, I got that's money, right?

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That's money.

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I man, I got this house and the AC went out, and you know, something just happened at the time.

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Especially right now in the climate, people are housebroke.

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So many, so often people are housebroke right now.

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Society will tell you, and we just need to have a house.

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And we just said this conversation as soon as you get married, you need to have the dog.

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And a great example the white picket fence.

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The white picket fence.

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And for some people that are like, all right, you're hitting too close to home, this is too much.

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Let's give another example of this that we just talked about that people are seeing it right now with the red flags of school and like the the education system of man, they tell you to go to a four-year school and get your degree and then go get your master's or your bachelor's.

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But you're like, now all of these people, this whole era of folks are like, yo, I'm 200, I'm 150,000,$200,000 in debt, student loans, and all of those jobs that they told me I was supposed to get, they're telling me I need experience.

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And I don't have any experience, right?

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And I'm not getting that job, and now I've got the like the real life experience in the role.

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And I'm not, we're not knocking the the four-year degree route, right?

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And we both did that, but it's the same way where it's like, wait, there's other, there's other paths that you can take.

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Correct.

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Right?

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Like you can go get certified, you can take up a trade, you take an internship while you're in school, correct?

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Go to community college.

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Has has mentioned too is you know, you want to take the least glamorous role, probably unpaid, yeah, but learn as much as you can in that role, maybe get a mentor out of that role.

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Because what you're gonna also find out is do I like this?

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Is this an area and avenue that I want to continue down?

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So you're absolutely correct on so many of those phases.

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And I just wanted to give some examples of that because a lot of times people are like, well, what do you mean starting off at the bottom and seeing if it's for you?

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Give me an example.

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And I know you can speak to this too when it comes to food and beverage, but I started, I did, we did food and beverage.

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I knew I was like, this ain't for me.

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Like, I don't this, I don't need to, I could put some stocks into some restaurant change or something like that, but I don't need to be running like a cafe or a restaurant.

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Like, that's not my passion.

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I tried financial services.

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I do not want to be calling people I know asking them for money.

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Not to borrow it, but to invest it, like I'm good, right?

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But then another one, I you know, getting an internship in college with a law firm, I realized like, yo, I don't, I don't want to go to law school, like that's not for me.

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And sometimes the journey, it wasn't time wasted.

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I learned and figured out, like, okay, what do I want to do?

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What are the things that I want to pursue?

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But it could be the same thing also in marriage of like having those discussions, figuring out, like, hey, are do we want to take on these additional responsibilities and all these things?

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I know one of the blessings that we have, like, we have our plants and we got the self-watering plants.

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So if we get invited for an opportunity, hey, we want you guys to come to New York.

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Hey, do you want to go out in Vegas or do you want to extend your trip?

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Because there's this tremendous opportunity, like we can make those moves, but be made sacrifices to be able to do that.

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And a lot of people see the moves, but don't see the sacrifices that that come with it.

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Yeah, I mean, you're absolutely correct.

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And especially when you're in the honeymoon phase, it's the the glitz, the glam, the social media hype up, the more smoke.

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Yeah, right.

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The more, but to your point, right?

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It's more smoke.

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It's it's we can just, you know, clear that with our hand, and now what?

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Now we're left with okay, oh, we we said I do.

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We we this is real, this is starting to set in, and that's when you start getting into year two through five, which is called the reality check.

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Woohoo!

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You know who you're dealing with, you don't know who you're dealing with.

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Partner woke up without that makeup on, and you're like, who is this?

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Yes, yes.

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So again, right, we start talking about bills, routines.

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Speaking of bills, though, and I I don't, and just something on the bill tip that we hear so often coming out of that zero to two, now the interest rate on that wedding that you paid for, or that you put money down on, or the new car, or the new house, all of like that, those consequences or decisions are now coming full circle.

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Oh, were those good investments?

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That's exactly what you're doing.

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You're feeling it.

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That's where I'm getting at.

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You're feeling it.

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And now don't get me wrong, right?

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In that zero to two, there's the you whether you're trying or not trying on the kid's side, or you end up, you know, just rescuing and adopting a dog, right?

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There are six situations that happen that it was just a timing and a circumstance thing.

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So we're not necessarily saying it from that aspect.

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We're saying if you can plan, try to plan as much as you can in that zero to two phase, have those deep conversations.

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And we always mention, um, well, recently I guess we've been mentioning that we have an episode that's called the pre-marriage checklist.

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Yeah.

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Please check that out.

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Uh, if you haven't already before you get married, these are the questions that you should be asking.

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Because now when you're in the zero to two phase, having those deep conversations, it's not awkward.

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It's we've been having these conversations.

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We've talked about this before we even got married.

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And now we're just building on what we said before, if there aren't any changes.

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But in that two to five years, there's like we said, the bills.

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You have a routine now.

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You know exactly how the other person's working, you know how I work.

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Uh, there could also be in the two to five years, too, where you are adding a new routine.

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So that might be the time where you add the kids in, you add the dog in.

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If you are also in a position where maybe you're a little bit older too.

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Because when I think when we think of marriage, sometimes you think of younger people getting married, where that can be in your 20s and 30s.

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But what if you're in your 40s, 50s, 60s, right?

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Because you can get married at any age, which I love and appreciate.

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And I think everyone should find their person and get married if they want to.

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But now you're starting to see that we might be in a caretaking position as well.

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So now the mama to move in.

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But it's not something that we necessarily talked about before.

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But I think that is, I know that's something that we've been talking about recently.

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Now, don't get me wrong, we're nine years in, but that's something we've been talking about recently.

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Just as our uh, you know, parents are getting older, some of our extended families getting older, and we're talking about like, hey, when we get our house, are we gonna get a casita?

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Is this gonna be how do you feel about somebody's mom or uncle or whoever living with us?

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Like, literally, what are your feelings on it?

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Because this is a big decision.

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And I just too that's such a great call out because that is one of those things that needs to be talked about.

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It's not talked about enough.

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And also go down the gamut of who this could be.

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Because you mentioned a lot, but it could be grandparent.

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Absolutely.

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And then also in the current times that we're in, because I know they're talking about the jobs report, layoffs, right?

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And not just that, and how we're seeing older people, older people are struggling, but also inflation.

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Let's also talk about if things, if you fall on hard times, what does it look like if you got to move in with the parent or we've heard that?

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We have heard that where people had to sell their house and downsize, and you gotta downsize and you have to move in with your parents for a little bit, but now it's I'm I'm in my I'm in my house.

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I'm in my childhood room, my high school room, and my parents kept it the same, and now I'm but I'm in here with me, my wife, and my kids and my dogs.

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Um, and and it just that needs to be talked about more.

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And how do you because those are how do you navigate that situation?

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It's a lot easier when you hit the lotto.

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And you're just like, oh, we we we got our own place.

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We have a house on the beach.

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And also, right?

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How if if that person that's moving in, if they're able to contribute, how are they contributing?

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Because sometimes it's like, oh, well, if you just help with watching the kids, whoo! Like that in and of itself, that'll pay for everything.

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Don't even worry about it because that's gonna save us how everybody everybody's got a job to do.

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Correct, correct.

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But I think that I just wanted to bring that up because I don't think it's talked about enough.

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And, you know, especially even my mom, you know, she works in, she's been working in senior living for 30 plus years.

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That's something that we've always heard over time is hey, she said, you know, I outright have seniors that live here where nobody visits them.

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Not a single family member comes to visit.

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So uh, anyways, I digress.

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Uh, but in that two to five stage, the reality check, that's when the differences start to show up.

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So that those ignoring of the red flags and the zero to two years, we're starting to but let's also pause on the red flags.

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They're peaking.

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Let's pause on the red flags that are peaking, right?

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You mentioned the differences, a perfect example, things that people may not have talked about.

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But if y'all are different religions, if y'all believe in raising kids different ways, one person is a uh what do they what do they call it?

00:12:23.919 --> 00:12:26.960
Um they're they're gentle parenting.

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Right, their parenting styles parenting styles are one person's a gentle parent, the other person's old school, and now authoritarian authority authoritarian, and now you got a good cop, bad cop situation, and now someone's resenting the other because you feel like I'm always the one that's hard on the kid, or the kid comes to you more absolutely because you're the same all the time, all the time.

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So being on that same page, oh my gosh.

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At least on what you need to be on the same page for, because there are some times where you know, the especially right, depending on there is a difference when you are parenting girls and when you're parenting boys.

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There is a there is a difference.

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And so, you know, how a father might parent his son, that's not necessarily the way that you should also parent your daughter, right?

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And so being able to talk about that, and so you may feel a certain way, but then I come over and say, hey, let me just give you a different perspective.

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I just want you to think about this and then come and talk to me, right?

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And go from there.

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Cause I know even something for me when I was younger, something that was always a back and forth was when can she wear makeup?

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When can I wear makeup?

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Um, you know, when it's uh clothing.

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When you turn when you turn 18.

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And exactly, and that's what I'm saying.

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That's not necessarily realistic.

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We turn 25.

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That's not realistic.

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So, anyways, right?

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So the differences start to show up.

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Uh, the romance is now starting to compete with your routines because you can just get into the routine and you're going, and then you realize, like, well, where's the romance?

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Where when's the last time you've gone out on date night?

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When's the last time you got me flowers?

00:13:55.360 --> 00:14:09.919
When's the last time that, you know, I was also able to maybe uh cook you a meal if that's something that's part of your love language, or pour into you that's something in that two to five range where you know it's just those routines start to get more concrete.

00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:15.440
And it and it comes becomes one of the things where you do have to be mindful about making it a priority and scheduling it.

00:14:15.679 --> 00:14:15.919
Correct.

00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:23.039
And for the fellas, like if we really think about it, when when you think about that question of am I making it a priority, you don't miss the fantasy draft.

00:14:23.200 --> 00:14:23.679
Come on now.

00:14:23.840 --> 00:14:25.840
You're not missing DraftKings parlay.

00:14:25.919 --> 00:14:26.320
Come on.

00:14:26.480 --> 00:14:38.480
So if we can make sure that we get the picks in on time, if we can make sure that we get, you know, we do our research and know all of the details on who we want to, you know, pick up and all the things, I need you to know your wife the same way.

00:14:38.559 --> 00:14:40.480
I need you, I need you to know your partner.

00:14:40.720 --> 00:14:43.519
Because this goes both ways, husband or wife, the same way.

00:14:44.000 --> 00:14:46.720
That you know Tyreek Hill or Tom Brady.

00:14:46.799 --> 00:14:48.080
Like, I need you to be locked in like that.

00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:48.879
TV 12.

00:14:49.120 --> 00:14:49.360
Come on.

00:14:49.440 --> 00:14:51.600
I need you to have your wife's uh what do they call it, player card?

00:14:51.679 --> 00:14:57.440
I need you to have her player card of all of height, weight, that's actually that's actually a good idea when you do that.

00:14:57.759 --> 00:14:58.320
That just came to me.

00:14:58.480 --> 00:15:06.240
I know when you do think about that and having, but again, that's similar to what we talk about with having your you know, your spouse's information in their context.

00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:06.720
Correct.

00:15:06.879 --> 00:15:10.480
Uh, or also maybe having a note section because also at the same time, right?

00:15:10.639 --> 00:15:24.879
You know, just as uh a woman, specifically because society plays such a role in our beauty standards and our our our body standards, we may shift, right, in in weight and sizes and those things.

00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:27.039
And so kind of staying on top of that a little bit.

00:15:27.120 --> 00:15:29.840
And it's sometimes not even asking, go in her closet.

00:15:29.919 --> 00:15:30.879
What is she typically wearing?

00:15:31.120 --> 00:15:32.399
See, she wore that sweater three times this week.

00:15:33.279 --> 00:15:33.759
What size it is?

00:15:33.840 --> 00:15:35.519
And let me also maybe see where she got it from.

00:15:35.679 --> 00:15:38.399
I can, you know, get her a gift card there or something of that nature.

00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:45.519
It's really, to your point, everything that we talk about in marriage really comes down to do you like the person?

00:15:45.840 --> 00:15:49.039
Do you like to be around them on a very like simplistic basis?

00:15:49.279 --> 00:15:51.279
If you can be best friends, that's ideal.

00:15:51.360 --> 00:15:55.039
Because at the end of the day, you can always fall back on we are best friends.

00:15:55.200 --> 00:15:56.559
We're always gonna get along.

00:15:56.799 --> 00:15:58.399
We are, we think the same, right?

00:15:58.480 --> 00:15:59.120
All of those.

00:15:59.279 --> 00:16:02.720
But then also, how well do you know the other person?

00:16:02.879 --> 00:16:07.440
And are you actively trying to get to know them and know a new version?

00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:15.200
Because again, I I always mention this evolves that you evolve, and uh whether you want to evolve-be evolving, but whether you want to or not, you're gonna evolve.

00:16:15.279 --> 00:16:21.600
So you can either, you know, evolve positively or you can, you know, yeah, just progress or regress.

00:16:21.759 --> 00:16:22.240
Right.

00:16:22.480 --> 00:16:28.000
So, but then also you talked a little bit about this too when that in that two to five years, and we're talking about the reality check.

00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:33.840
You talked a little bit about conflict styles, you talked about parenting styles, you talked about communication gaps.

00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:36.960
Like we are now starting to see the gaps in our communication.

00:16:37.039 --> 00:16:37.360
Yeah.

00:16:37.519 --> 00:16:41.440
And how are we going to fix this and nip it in the bud early?

00:16:41.679 --> 00:16:42.480
And that's one of the big things.

00:16:42.639 --> 00:16:44.960
The more you sit on it, the more you let it fester.

00:16:45.360 --> 00:16:48.399
That's the it's it's it gets worse with time.

00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:58.559
And a lot of people, that's what I think that's there's these ticking time bombs that are waiting to go off that people are dealing with in their relationship because it just stayed underneath the rug.

00:16:58.639 --> 00:16:58.799
Yes.

00:16:59.039 --> 00:17:02.879
And we've been there, right, on family stuff and different things, where it's like, oh, swoop that in the rug.

00:17:03.279 --> 00:17:03.919
We don't need to talk about it.

00:17:04.000 --> 00:17:04.640
Why are you bringing that up?

00:17:04.799 --> 00:17:05.440
But that's also avoidant.

00:17:05.519 --> 00:17:06.000
That's avoid it.

00:17:06.079 --> 00:17:07.039
That's avoid it.

00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:07.359
Right.

00:17:07.440 --> 00:17:10.240
And then, but here's the challenge, and we've seen this too.

00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:15.839
Then it gets to a point where, no, we're not gonna, you know, it comes up, right?

00:17:15.920 --> 00:17:18.640
Or that that that that ticking thing, it goes off.

00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:23.119
Now it's it's all over, it's not just on the table, it's all over the room.

00:17:23.279 --> 00:17:24.480
And now, how does everybody respond?

00:17:24.720 --> 00:17:25.359
The elephant in the room.

00:17:25.519 --> 00:17:31.920
The elephant in the room is literally in the room, and so then it becomes really it comes much more uncomfortable.

00:17:32.079 --> 00:17:34.559
So it kind of reminds us when we talk about choose your heart.

00:17:34.799 --> 00:17:38.160
It's hard to have the crucial conversation or the critical conversation.

00:17:38.319 --> 00:17:42.640
It's harder to avoid it and then potentially have a damage.

00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:43.519
You're stuck on.

00:17:43.599 --> 00:17:52.799
Come on, now you're stuck on stuck in this cycle, or you're you know, you have a a negative impact on this relationship that you really want it to be something that was gonna flourish or continue to grow.

00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:54.079
And it's like, man, what happened?

00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:58.000
Well, man, that thing from five years ago just continues to rearitate.

00:17:58.480 --> 00:17:59.200
Right, right.

00:17:59.599 --> 00:18:07.039
And to add to your point, you and I are huge advocates of therapy.

00:18:07.200 --> 00:18:13.279
So this may be a great time to individually go to therapy and figure out more about what is my conflict style?

00:18:13.519 --> 00:18:16.319
What is my uh attachment style?

00:18:16.480 --> 00:18:19.599
That's something that's not talked about is the attachment style.

00:18:19.680 --> 00:18:22.160
And how do you actually attach to somebody?

00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:23.920
Are you more on the codependency side?

00:18:24.079 --> 00:18:24.720
Yeah, right?

00:18:24.880 --> 00:18:26.640
Are you more on the avoidance side?

00:18:26.799 --> 00:18:27.680
Where are you?

00:18:27.920 --> 00:18:33.920
But then also maybe let's take a an extra step and go together.

00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:36.079
Let's see about maybe couples therapy.

00:18:36.240 --> 00:18:55.839
How will that work for us and how we maybe need somebody that's gonna be able to help us with the communication gaps, uh, you know, with the conflict styles, being able to know and understand where the other person is coming from without already having my five years of bias or of resentment in those things.

00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:59.599
Maybe we just need a mediator and somebody that can, well, what did you hear?

00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:03.279
This is what I heard, and then be able to just open up that conversation for you.

00:19:03.519 --> 00:19:04.240
And that's important.

00:19:04.319 --> 00:19:13.039
And I and I think there there needs to be a reduced stigma around going to see a therapist or going to marriage or couples therapy.

00:19:13.200 --> 00:19:23.839
And we're not talking about what you see on reality TV because I just want to call out that a lot of times reality TV, although they mean well, you know, one aspect is or is it for the ratings?

00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:34.000
It's for the ratings, but I'm more so saying couple therapy is supposed to be helping people in their marriages or their relationships, but also they want people view views and they want clicks and they want to be able to have people watch.

00:19:34.160 --> 00:19:35.519
So they're baiting people, right?

00:19:35.599 --> 00:19:40.400
They're getting things but don't think that that's gonna be your experience when you go see a therapist or a counselor.

00:19:40.880 --> 00:19:46.240
This can be as private as you want it to be, so you and your partner can go have the dialogue and conversation.

00:19:46.319 --> 00:19:52.960
It doesn't need to be on Facebook, it doesn't need to be a situation where everybody knows that you're in therapy and people think that y'all are struggling.

00:19:53.200 --> 00:19:57.519
No, it's literally, but if you think about it, just you're watering your grass.

00:19:57.759 --> 00:19:58.640
That's exactly what I was saying.

00:19:58.799 --> 00:20:12.400
Just like if you're training for a marathon or preparing for a bodybuilding competition or a sport, you're gonna go see, man, who's a coach or an expert, or who's somebody that has more information than I do that can help me get prepared for this new journey or new path?

00:20:12.480 --> 00:20:18.079
And I know for us, premarital counseling was huge because again, we're getting ready to embark on a journey that we've never been on before.

00:20:18.319 --> 00:20:18.480
Right.

00:20:18.640 --> 00:20:21.359
Can we give somebody, can somebody and you maybe don't have the examples?

00:20:21.519 --> 00:20:25.039
Can somebody look through the binoculars and be like, yo, this is what's up on the horizon?

00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:25.599
Correct.

00:20:25.759 --> 00:20:26.640
And it can help.

00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:27.519
Correct.

00:20:27.759 --> 00:20:32.000
Uh, I do like, and I've talked about this before, but I do like Dr.

00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:34.720
Orna Couples Therapy on Showtime.

00:20:34.799 --> 00:20:35.839
She has four seasons.

00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:44.079
I highly, highly, highly, highly recommend that whether individually or together, you sit down and watch that.

00:20:44.559 --> 00:20:46.240
She I mean, she talks about everything.

00:20:46.400 --> 00:20:51.680
I mean, all of the true critical conversations that you have in America, she talks about everything.

00:20:51.759 --> 00:21:03.440
And she does it in such a way that's calming, that's digestible, that when you also see it from being outside of you, it's like, oh no, I resonate with that.

00:21:03.519 --> 00:21:06.559
No, that is me, or oh, that is my partner.

00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:09.279
And you're just able to get more insight.

00:21:09.359 --> 00:21:13.599
And although you may not be, because again, right, it does cost money for therapy.

00:21:13.759 --> 00:21:18.960
So if you don't have the funds, what are some other opportunities for you to be able to still get that impact?

00:21:19.119 --> 00:21:20.160
That would be one for me.

00:21:20.319 --> 00:21:27.839
And I just want to also mention when it comes to the funds too, let's think about what prior what we are prioritizing and where we need to invest.

00:21:28.079 --> 00:21:28.319
Right.

00:21:28.480 --> 00:21:41.920
Because if you if you're buying the newest chains or the newest Jordans or the newest, maybe you need to just go ahead and chill, pass on that new Jordan or sneaker release, and invest that$150 or$100 into a counseling session and the flowers.

00:21:42.079 --> 00:21:42.240
Yeah.

00:21:42.319 --> 00:21:42.559
Yeah.

00:21:42.880 --> 00:21:43.599
Do a twofer.

00:21:43.839 --> 00:21:45.039
Yes, and the flowers.

00:21:45.279 --> 00:21:45.680
All right.

00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:50.559
Now we're jumping into the stage where most people quit.

00:21:54.160 --> 00:21:55.440
The quitting zone.

00:21:55.839 --> 00:21:56.640
A little bit.

00:21:56.799 --> 00:21:57.279
Dang.

00:21:58.160 --> 00:21:59.279
So it's two.

00:21:59.519 --> 00:22:01.200
This is five to seven years.

00:22:01.759 --> 00:22:02.559
Five to seven.

00:22:02.640 --> 00:22:05.759
Some people, this is where people be talking about uh on face, doing hard time.

00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:06.559
Doing hard time.

00:22:06.799 --> 00:22:08.319
Ball and chain here with the ball and chain.

00:22:08.960 --> 00:22:10.319
The seven-year itch.

00:22:10.720 --> 00:22:14.480
This is the disappointment and struggle stage.

00:22:14.960 --> 00:22:15.920
These are the people that's talking about.

00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:26.720
This is why most people get divorced during this phase right here, is because you're starting to now realize maybe this isn't what I expected.

00:22:27.039 --> 00:22:29.359
The arguments start to feel personal.

00:22:29.519 --> 00:22:29.839
Oh.

00:22:30.319 --> 00:22:33.519
Uh, did I marry the right person?

00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:38.799
You are seeing, you are seeing what your other with what your other prospects are doing with their life as well.

00:22:38.960 --> 00:22:39.279
That's right.

00:22:39.440 --> 00:22:40.079
It is dropping.

00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:40.720
That's right.

00:22:40.880 --> 00:22:41.440
That's right.

00:22:41.599 --> 00:22:46.319
This also may be when you get a little bit curious about past partners.

00:22:46.480 --> 00:22:46.640
Oh.

00:22:46.799 --> 00:22:48.799
You may start looking on social media.

00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:50.079
What where are they working at?

00:22:50.240 --> 00:22:51.119
Where are they working at?

00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:51.759
What are they doing?

00:22:51.839 --> 00:22:54.960
How are they, how are they, you know, how are they looking?

00:22:55.119 --> 00:22:55.759
All of the things.

00:22:56.000 --> 00:22:58.160
But speaking of something you just said, how are you looking?

00:22:58.400 --> 00:23:04.720
You start talking about five to seven years, and this reminds me of a- And this is marriage, not if you were together five years before that.

00:23:05.519 --> 00:23:05.599
Right?

00:23:05.680 --> 00:23:06.400
This is just marriage.

00:23:06.640 --> 00:23:08.000
You could have 10 in, but this is the five years.

00:23:08.559 --> 00:23:08.799
Yes.

00:23:09.119 --> 00:23:10.880
Something that reminds me of.

00:23:11.599 --> 00:23:16.400
The quote, time will either promote you or expose you.

00:23:16.960 --> 00:23:20.000
So the question becomes what are you doing with that time?

00:23:20.079 --> 00:23:22.799
So for some people, five to seven years feels like hard time.

00:23:22.960 --> 00:23:23.279
Hard time.

00:23:23.359 --> 00:23:24.720
Don't even look like the same person.

00:23:24.880 --> 00:23:25.519
That's right.

00:23:25.759 --> 00:23:29.440
We've seen some examples, and it is like, whoa.

00:23:29.519 --> 00:23:31.119
And we hear spouses say it all the time.

00:23:31.200 --> 00:23:32.960
Like, I don't even, this isn't the same.

00:23:33.039 --> 00:23:36.000
We used to do all of these things active together, and we did this and that.

00:23:36.160 --> 00:23:38.960
And now there's zero activity.

00:23:39.119 --> 00:23:39.440
Yes.

00:23:39.599 --> 00:23:39.680
Yeah.

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:41.359
And we see the stats, right?

00:23:41.440 --> 00:23:41.759
Most of the time.

00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:46.079
But right, that's building off of the two to five, which is the reality check.

00:23:46.319 --> 00:23:58.160
And this is building on top of that, which is why it's so important in each one of these stages that you are doing things intentionally, that you are doing things that are going to positively impact your relationship.

00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:02.240
Because this is what, like you said, the binoculars on the horizon.

00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:04.960
We're telling y'all to just give you a little bit of insight.

00:24:05.039 --> 00:24:06.400
And don't forget, we're nine years in.

00:24:06.559 --> 00:24:14.160
So we're going to be getting into the next phase of where we are, at least, but just even up until this point.

00:24:14.240 --> 00:24:19.119
And then also you're starting to realize too like, is this the life that I wanted for myself?

00:24:19.359 --> 00:24:21.119
Is this where I thought that I would be?

00:24:21.359 --> 00:24:28.960
I I heard I heard a powerful, powerful quote this morning from David Goggins on a YouTube uh clip.

00:24:29.039 --> 00:24:39.920
And it basically said, when you get to the end of your life and you write the book or the story of your life, when you hand that book to somebody, or are they left inspired?

00:24:40.640 --> 00:24:46.079
If the answer is not yes, they are inspired, it's time to rewrite that book right now.

00:24:46.319 --> 00:24:49.200
And you can rewrite your book at any chapter.

00:24:49.519 --> 00:24:50.000
At any point.

00:24:51.279 --> 00:24:55.680
Perfect example, KFC, the colonel didn't break out with his idea to was like 60.

00:24:55.759 --> 00:24:56.880
Yeah, I think it was 60.

00:24:57.039 --> 00:24:58.079
65 or 64.

00:24:58.240 --> 00:24:58.799
I think it was 60.

00:24:58.960 --> 00:25:08.240
Yeah, like but if you think about that, the KFC that we know, yeah, to not have that idea or not to not launch it until you're 60, most people would have said, And I believe he had a hundred no's.

00:25:09.039 --> 00:25:12.000
Most people would have said, bro, hang it up.

00:25:12.079 --> 00:25:13.680
You're cooked, it's over with, man.

00:25:13.759 --> 00:25:15.119
Let the let the chicken go.

00:25:15.359 --> 00:25:17.599
And he was like, the chicken's cooked.

00:25:17.759 --> 00:25:18.559
Put a fork in it.

00:25:18.799 --> 00:25:20.960
And he said, no, and look where he's at now.

00:25:21.039 --> 00:25:23.119
I mean, there's people in KFC all over the globe.

00:25:23.359 --> 00:25:24.000
Yes.

00:25:24.480 --> 00:25:25.039
Yes.

00:25:25.279 --> 00:25:29.359
So five to seven years, that's the disappointment, the struggle phase.

00:25:29.519 --> 00:25:32.960
Um, it's also where you start looking like, okay, well, who's leading, right?

00:25:33.519 --> 00:25:34.319
Who's leading?

00:25:34.480 --> 00:25:35.519
Are am I leading?

00:25:35.680 --> 00:25:36.400
Are you leading?

00:25:36.480 --> 00:25:41.039
Are we both leading in the areas that had the roles reserved uh reversed?

00:25:41.200 --> 00:25:43.279
Uh, that's where you also start seeing that.

00:25:43.440 --> 00:25:49.440
Then there's also the, okay, well, I want to be a little bit more independent versus maybe being together.

00:25:49.680 --> 00:25:53.039
Because again, you're starting to realize, is this the life that I wanted?

00:25:53.200 --> 00:25:57.920
Is this what I was looking for when I got married?

00:25:58.160 --> 00:26:03.039
And now you're starting to really kind of almost take that bird's eye view, take a step back, look at your life.

00:26:03.200 --> 00:26:07.759
And that's why we also see in some photos, which I had a, you know, when we first started dating, I had to let you know.

00:26:07.920 --> 00:26:14.480
But you start seeing the the smiles that were happening in that, you know, zero to two in the honeymoon phase, they start dwindling.

00:26:14.559 --> 00:26:16.079
There aren't that many smiles.

00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:18.559
The the parents aren't standing next to each other.

00:26:18.720 --> 00:26:21.039
The kids look like they're not necessarily happy.

00:26:21.279 --> 00:26:21.759
Awkward.

00:26:21.920 --> 00:26:23.039
It's, you know what I'm saying?

00:26:23.119 --> 00:26:32.799
And so this is actually the phase where most couples separate, where they have their biggest fights, where they are potentially getting divorced is during this phase.

00:26:32.960 --> 00:26:47.839
So if you know this now, by us being able to give you some insight, going back to being intentional throughout each phase, knowing that, okay, well, let's work on these communication gaps now.

00:26:47.920 --> 00:26:53.119
Let's work on this, our conflict styles now, let's work on these things now, preferably before, right?

00:26:53.200 --> 00:26:55.440
With our our premarriage checklist episode.

00:26:55.680 --> 00:26:58.400
But you want to be able to stay on top of it, right?

00:26:58.480 --> 00:27:01.039
It's very it goes back to us with sports.

00:27:01.279 --> 00:27:08.400
You should be doing the fundamentals every single day, like Steph Curry, like Tom Brady, like LeBron James.

00:27:08.480 --> 00:27:09.839
They're the goats for a reason.

00:27:10.319 --> 00:27:21.119
So if you stay on top of your fundamentals and staying on top of your relationship like that, then you're gonna start seeing when the five to seven years comes, it's not gonna be as difficult.

00:27:21.440 --> 00:27:26.640
I'm we're you know, we're not saying that you're not still not gonna have these thoughts, these uh actions, right?

00:27:26.799 --> 00:27:30.799
Or um still having that bird's eye view and thinking, man, I wish I maybe went a different route.

00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:34.480
We're not saying that, but we're just saying that you the the choice is made.

00:27:34.640 --> 00:27:35.200
You're in it.

00:27:35.359 --> 00:27:37.039
You're five to seven years, you're in it.

00:27:37.200 --> 00:27:45.920
You may have kids, there's other people now that are involved in this, and just being able to not quit.

00:27:47.279 --> 00:27:47.759
Really?

00:27:48.480 --> 00:27:48.720
Yeah.

00:27:49.359 --> 00:27:51.519
Like because that's what we hear all the time.

00:27:51.680 --> 00:27:55.680
Um, is you know, maybe, maybe I should have just stuck through it.

00:27:55.839 --> 00:27:58.000
Maybe I should have or right, I'm staying for the kids.

00:27:58.079 --> 00:27:59.599
That's another thing we hear often too.

00:27:59.920 --> 00:28:04.880
Um, but just being able to stay on top of of your marriage is key.

00:28:05.359 --> 00:28:14.240
And something that you know, another just this quote that that stuck with me about high achievers is that they make habits out of the things that most people don't like to do.

00:28:14.480 --> 00:28:14.799
Correct.

00:28:15.119 --> 00:28:30.079
So when you talk about those little habits, those microhabits, those behaviors, those decisions to again open the door, dump the trash, get the flowers, say I love you, give an extra hug, whatever that might be.

00:28:30.240 --> 00:28:35.440
That's like, oh man, it's a micro- not that you don't want to do it, but just making a habit out of it.

00:28:35.519 --> 00:28:38.319
Because most people are like, who wants to make a habit out of taking out the trash?

00:28:38.400 --> 00:28:38.720
I don't.

00:28:39.039 --> 00:28:40.400
I'd love to never take out the trash.

00:28:40.480 --> 00:28:45.359
But like those are little things that can have a really big impact, but it stacks up.

00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:49.279
Yeah, and so often people think that it's this it's fundamental.

00:28:50.240 --> 00:28:58.000
People think that it's this huge thing in the marriage that was like, but no, a lot of times it could be these small things, and it was like, did that just happen to be the straw that broke the camel's back?

00:28:58.079 --> 00:29:01.599
Like that was the final thing, but there were all of these examples leading up.

00:29:01.839 --> 00:29:05.680
You're right, and we talked about this in the last episode, but let's go back to your representative.

00:29:05.839 --> 00:29:08.480
Your representative, who were you showing me in the beginning?

00:29:08.559 --> 00:29:10.799
I need you to go back to that because that's who I fell in love with.

00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:11.759
Don't bump fake me.

00:29:11.920 --> 00:29:14.240
Come on, you you gave me, you know, lions, lions playing a rave.

00:29:14.400 --> 00:29:19.359
You didn't give me the the Lamar Jackson, had the ball here and took it, pulled it out as soon as I was about to make the tackle.

00:29:19.599 --> 00:29:21.119
Don't 42 fake me.

00:29:21.359 --> 00:29:22.319
And it happens a lot.

00:29:22.400 --> 00:29:27.519
Yeah, and also I just want to say, too, from people seeing, because you you touched on something that was important.

00:29:27.759 --> 00:29:36.400
You get to that phase five to seven years, people are on social media, you're looking at maybe the high school sweetheart, the ex, the whoever, and it's like, oh, what are they up to?

00:29:36.480 --> 00:29:42.319
What's their remember that they're also putting forth their best exterior, right?

00:29:42.400 --> 00:29:44.880
So don't always especially on social.

00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:50.720
Do not always think that the grass is greener, that oh, oh man, so and so, he's got the perfect family.

00:29:50.799 --> 00:29:52.400
He's on the private jet, blah, blah.

00:29:52.559 --> 00:29:54.240
Meanwhile, he's in serious debt.

00:29:54.640 --> 00:29:58.799
Things aren't what they seem, but you're like, oh, I need to leave so and so that I'm with.

00:29:59.119 --> 00:29:59.759
And it just really.

00:30:00.079 --> 00:30:03.759
Real quick, I saw another just really powerful example.

00:30:03.920 --> 00:30:07.920
And right now, social media, there's so many people that are so money and monetary focused.

00:30:08.160 --> 00:30:11.519
And a lot of people are going through their struggles or their challenges, which happens.

00:30:11.599 --> 00:30:17.759
And especially as you know, the man of the household or the husband, you could feel like, man, I've got to be this provider.

00:30:17.839 --> 00:30:26.160
And if I if I'm ever in a situation where I'm going through a low and I'm not providing, man, I'm like questioning the manhood and all of those things.

00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:34.400
But it talked about the fact of you could have your man or your partner be willing to give you his last five dollars.

00:30:35.359 --> 00:30:44.480
But you feel like that's chump change, and somebody else over here is willing to give you$50 or$500, but they've got that's not their last.

00:30:45.279 --> 00:31:01.920
So it's actually way more meaningful and impactful that somebody would be willing to the value that they'd be willing to give you their last that they would be willing to not eat so that you could have something to eat with their last five, versus somebody that might have threw 50, but it was like, oh, if that was their last 50, you wouldn't have seen a cent.

00:31:02.240 --> 00:31:12.480
And sometimes that is like a disconnect that someone actually really loves you this much, but you're chasing just the fact that somebody dangled because they've got a little bit more.

00:31:12.720 --> 00:31:14.319
So I'm gonna add to that.

00:31:14.400 --> 00:31:16.799
I heard this quote just yesterday.

00:31:17.279 --> 00:31:25.359
It said, a fool knows the price of everything, but knows the value of nothing.

00:31:29.279 --> 00:31:30.640
I'm gonna leave that there.

00:31:31.440 --> 00:31:33.359
Let's jump into the next phase.

00:31:33.599 --> 00:31:37.839
So now y'all, we're past the five to seven, we're past the disappointment, the struggle.

00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:38.799
We've made it.

00:31:38.960 --> 00:31:40.000
We've made it.

00:31:40.720 --> 00:31:43.759
We're in this, we're in the seven to fifteen years.

00:31:43.839 --> 00:31:47.680
So that's we're jumping into the next jump seven to fifteen is a we're jumping in the next one.

00:31:47.759 --> 00:31:48.799
We jumped into a window.

00:31:49.039 --> 00:31:54.799
Well, but but you're seeing when you can get past that seven, we're adding another seven just on top of that.

00:31:54.880 --> 00:31:56.400
So you're gonna be compounding.

00:31:56.480 --> 00:31:59.519
Yeah, this is the stability phase.

00:32:00.480 --> 00:32:02.880
This is building that foundation, right?

00:32:03.039 --> 00:32:07.519
The routines they feel natural, the trust is deepened.

00:32:07.839 --> 00:32:11.680
You are really being able to be stable in.

00:32:11.839 --> 00:32:19.440
I know exactly who you are, you know exactly who I am, we have our routine, we know exact, we know each other enough.

00:32:19.680 --> 00:32:20.400
Hopefully, right?

00:32:20.559 --> 00:32:26.960
You know each other enough to where uh it's it's just it's stable, it's familiar.

00:32:27.119 --> 00:32:28.160
I know and understand it.

00:32:28.319 --> 00:32:34.480
Now, with that on the flip side, is that's when you start hearing people get the uh what is it called?

00:32:34.720 --> 00:32:36.720
The the marriage boredom.

00:32:37.119 --> 00:32:38.799
I heard that the other day, something like that.

00:32:38.960 --> 00:32:42.960
The marriage boredom, you start taking each other for granted in the stability phase.

00:32:43.200 --> 00:32:44.240
Or they're just gonna be there.

00:32:44.400 --> 00:32:45.200
They're just gonna be there.

00:32:45.279 --> 00:32:45.839
They're just gonna be there.

00:32:45.920 --> 00:32:46.480
They're just gonna be there.

00:32:47.200 --> 00:32:52.559
So I can I can either keep treating them as I have been and not make any changes because they're gonna be there.

00:32:52.640 --> 00:32:53.519
We're we're stable.

00:32:53.599 --> 00:32:54.240
We're we're fine.

00:32:54.319 --> 00:32:55.119
You're going nowhere.

00:32:55.200 --> 00:32:55.759
You're used to this.

00:32:55.920 --> 00:32:56.319
I've got it.

00:32:56.480 --> 00:32:57.680
We got kids, they're not going nowhere.

00:32:57.839 --> 00:32:59.119
They're not going anywhere.

00:32:59.359 --> 00:33:02.400
Uh, which don't ever underestimate anybody.

00:33:02.640 --> 00:33:07.519
Don't ever underestimate anybody because you will be made a fool quickly.

00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:10.160
And so uh the yeah, the stability phase.

00:33:10.240 --> 00:33:13.200
And that's even we're nine years in, so that we also feel that.

00:33:13.279 --> 00:33:18.079
Like we feel that stability, we know and understand each other, we know our routines.

00:33:18.319 --> 00:33:20.640
I know what you like, I know what you dislike.

00:33:20.799 --> 00:33:22.559
We're very much in that phase.

00:33:22.720 --> 00:33:29.839
Um, but the seven to 15, and when I first, you know, was doing my research, I said, Whoa, that's a that's a big jump right there.

00:33:29.920 --> 00:33:36.559
But that's that makes sense, especially for the couples that we've talked to too that are in that phase as well.

00:33:36.720 --> 00:33:41.119
Uh, they they essentially talk the same as we do, just being stable.

00:33:41.440 --> 00:33:50.640
Yeah, and and as we think about the nine-year mark too, you've had enough time together that you've been through, you should have gone through some triumphs, some tragedies.

00:33:51.200 --> 00:33:53.359
You've gone through some a couple of versions of yourself because.

00:33:54.079 --> 00:33:55.839
You've gone through some different variations.

00:33:56.000 --> 00:34:00.799
Like, if you just think of what happened what's happened in the world in nine years, I mean, you're talking about pandemic.

00:34:00.960 --> 00:34:05.200
We're talking about like there's been massive change and shifts that have happened.

00:34:05.279 --> 00:34:12.239
Where it's like, I mean, if you think about how many people that like just going through COVID with somebody and like the well, that was a make or break for a lot of people.

00:34:12.480 --> 00:34:12.639
What?

00:34:12.800 --> 00:34:17.519
Yeah, but also how many people too, let's keep it all the way a hundred, were in situationships.

00:34:17.760 --> 00:34:18.800
Yes, right?

00:34:18.960 --> 00:34:19.760
And now we're shacked up.

00:34:19.920 --> 00:34:20.559
Now we're shacked up.

00:34:20.719 --> 00:34:21.519
All of a sudden we got a baby.

00:34:21.760 --> 00:34:22.480
Now we got a baby.

00:34:22.559 --> 00:34:24.000
Now I'm getting pressure to marry you.

00:34:24.159 --> 00:34:30.000
And I've heard I had a wise man once also said, don't compound a mistake with another mistake.

00:34:30.400 --> 00:34:37.760
So if you were with somebody and you already saw the red flags, you already were like, ooh, but you have a baby together and you you made that decision.

00:34:38.159 --> 00:34:41.280
Which, hey, you make the decision, right?

00:34:41.440 --> 00:34:53.119
That's one thing, but then don't feel like, oh my gosh, because we had the baby, I've got to marry this person because of that when I know they're not the person, but I'm just gonna do it because it's the right thing to do.

00:34:53.599 --> 00:34:54.000
No, no, no.

00:34:54.159 --> 00:34:55.119
Or that's what my family's telling me.

00:34:55.280 --> 00:34:56.000
That's what my family's telling me.

00:34:57.840 --> 00:34:58.239
Pause.

00:34:58.559 --> 00:34:59.519
Yeah, it's your life.

00:34:59.679 --> 00:35:09.280
It's your life, and it's a lot easier to figure out co-parenting and that situation early on than to then get married.

00:35:09.440 --> 00:35:15.519
It's you've added another kid, you added more time, you're now in a situation where it's like, oh my gosh.

00:35:15.599 --> 00:35:17.920
And how many people do we know that are stuck in that situation?

00:35:18.000 --> 00:35:23.679
And now it's like, well, we'll just wait until the kids go off to college, or you know, it's just it's it's so interwound, but they're not happy.

00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:25.119
And that's a big chunk of your life.

00:35:25.280 --> 00:35:31.119
That's a big chunk of your life where to your point, if we if you you call it a mistake, right?

00:35:31.199 --> 00:35:34.239
But if there was a mistake, you're hopefully not compounding on top of that.

00:35:34.400 --> 00:35:42.320
But the other thing that I quickly wanted to mention too was I think it is something where let's just quickly go back to that disappointment struggle phase.

00:35:42.480 --> 00:35:50.719
Although that is the phase where most people do get divorced, if you are able to push through, that's what we're saying.

00:35:50.880 --> 00:35:54.400
But then there is the times where in that phase, you know.

00:35:54.639 --> 00:35:58.559
And if you know, um, especially for women, you know.

00:35:58.960 --> 00:36:02.239
You just it's something, it's it's hard to, it's hard to describe.

00:36:02.320 --> 00:36:07.280
I've I've heard multiple women say it to me, but it was just kind of enough is enough.

00:36:07.440 --> 00:36:07.920
I'm done.

00:36:08.079 --> 00:36:12.480
I'm not going to keep putting myself in this situation, my kids in this situation.

00:36:12.800 --> 00:36:17.519
We know that we're not meant to either be together or that we can't work through these issues.

00:36:17.679 --> 00:36:20.159
So then maybe it is a separation, right?

00:36:20.239 --> 00:36:26.159
And you can come back and because you're working on the relationship, or maybe it is just dissolving the relationship.

00:36:26.480 --> 00:36:38.559
We, as advocates of marriage, are hoping that's not the case, but I don't want people to feel as if we are saying, like, don't quit, be in they know that it's it's a situation where I need to move past this.

00:36:39.039 --> 00:36:44.320
Yeah, you have you absolutely you absolutely have to do what's healthy for you, especially if you know you're in a toxic relationship.

00:36:44.559 --> 00:36:46.880
And that's where you mention the yellow and the red flags, right?

00:36:46.960 --> 00:36:48.559
And hopefully you see those beforehand.

00:36:48.639 --> 00:36:48.719
Yeah.

00:36:49.039 --> 00:36:57.920
But if someone had their representative going and then you go through a hardship or a tragedy, and they end up turning into someone else, or these behaviors start to reveal themselves.

00:36:58.079 --> 00:36:58.800
A perfect example.

00:36:58.880 --> 00:37:02.239
I mean, you see, unfortunately, you know, domestic violence and things like that, right?

00:37:02.320 --> 00:37:08.079
And you even see it on the news with different athletes, professional, you know, people, all of these different situations.

00:37:08.239 --> 00:37:09.840
But I just use that as an example.

00:37:09.920 --> 00:37:29.760
If someone is reaction when they get upset, is raising their voice or putting their hands on you, or thing, those are red flags of either they need to get some help and you know, some anger management, work on how like that situation, but you don't want to, like you said, put keep yourself in a toxic or even a dangerous situation or for your kids, things like that.

00:37:29.920 --> 00:37:35.119
And that's and that's either way, because you know, I didn't realize how many, uh, how many men were getting abused as well.

00:37:35.360 --> 00:37:36.800
Yes, you're absolutely correct.

00:37:37.039 --> 00:37:44.880
So that five to seven, the disappointment and struggle phase, the seven, excuse me, the seven to fifteen is the stability phase.

00:37:44.960 --> 00:37:48.880
Now let's get into the 15 to 25 years.

00:37:49.119 --> 00:37:50.800
Oh that's on the horizon.

00:37:50.880 --> 00:37:53.760
We're looking out, we're we're planning ahead there with 15 to 25 percent.

00:37:54.079 --> 00:37:54.639
15 to 20.

00:37:54.719 --> 00:37:56.719
That's your growth and renewal.

00:37:57.039 --> 00:38:04.159
So you're starting talking about it's rediscovery, there's new goals, things feel a little bit more fresh because you have shared values.

00:38:04.320 --> 00:38:10.960
You're starting to look at things uh more for we've been through so much already.

00:38:11.039 --> 00:38:21.039
And it's kind of that reflection where we're looking back on our on what we've done for those past 15 to 25 years, and we're seeing, wow, you know, we've made it through.

00:38:21.199 --> 00:38:28.159
Uh, we were able to just have incredible success despite whatever your circumstances may be.

00:38:28.320 --> 00:38:30.559
But it's really that growth and renewal phase.

00:38:30.800 --> 00:38:44.000
Yeah, I mean, and I just even thinking about it, um, because I didn't a lot of times imagine myself not just married, but like invisalize myself at like 50, or you know, like me being a grandparent and all of these things.

00:38:44.079 --> 00:38:46.880
So sometimes you gotta like have those conversations.

00:38:47.039 --> 00:38:47.920
Like, what is it gonna be like?

00:38:48.000 --> 00:38:51.039
Are you know we gonna be in a rocking chair and like out of the front porch?

00:38:51.280 --> 00:38:52.320
No, but for real, right?

00:38:52.400 --> 00:38:53.760
Like, and you know, what is this?

00:38:54.000 --> 00:38:55.440
What is retirement and all of these things?

00:38:55.679 --> 00:38:56.480
Thankfully, we have some time.

00:38:56.800 --> 00:39:01.599
We do, we have lots of time, but you get where I'm going of just like having the discussion of what does that life look like?

00:39:01.679 --> 00:39:09.280
And hopefully, as you're making these plans or having this dialogue and discovery, you are visualizing your partner being on that porch with you, right?

00:39:09.440 --> 00:39:13.119
Or you're visualizing experience in the world because a lot of times, right?

00:39:13.199 --> 00:39:15.599
Like right now, more than ever, people are in that grind phase.

00:39:15.760 --> 00:39:22.559
Like you may be hit, and we've been in it, like we've gone through the like you said, you're not there's no holidays where you're off work, right?

00:39:22.639 --> 00:39:25.679
For me, I couldn't just watch the game on Monday, Thursday, Sunday.

00:39:25.760 --> 00:39:26.559
Like, I'm we're working.

00:39:26.639 --> 00:39:28.159
Like it's just like that's the reality.

00:39:28.320 --> 00:39:41.199
But then to be able to be like, hey, we're gonna travel and go to a Lions game or Patriot game, or we're gonna go experience these things, being able to visualize and plan that out, what does that look like 10, 15 years from now?

00:39:41.360 --> 00:39:52.320
And those can be things that are aspirational on your vision board, things that you maybe write on your bucket list and having your individual bucket list, but then why not have one together of things that y'all want to accomplish and do together?

00:39:52.559 --> 00:39:52.880
Yes.

00:39:53.039 --> 00:40:03.840
I think this is also a great opportunity if you are a couple to chat with other couples that have been married this long, that have been married the 15 plus years, the 20, 25 years.

00:40:04.000 --> 00:40:11.360
Because it's getting to a point now where being married five years is a milestone, a oh my gosh.

00:40:11.679 --> 00:40:12.239
One year.

00:40:12.800 --> 00:40:14.719
Like, wow, you guys are doing it.

00:40:14.880 --> 00:40:17.280
But then realizing no, this is a lifetime.

00:40:17.360 --> 00:40:19.440
Like, we have so many more years to go.

00:40:19.599 --> 00:40:30.239
But then also you're talking, if you are, let's say, right, you're in that disappointment and struggle phase, talk to somebody that's in that growth and renewal phase or above.

00:40:30.320 --> 00:40:32.559
And you're gonna start to hear things differently.

00:40:32.719 --> 00:40:38.400
You're gonna start to hear, you know, maybe we were there and this is how we changed our mindset, how we reignited, all of those things.

00:40:38.480 --> 00:40:40.320
I think that's a great really great opportunity.

00:40:40.559 --> 00:40:45.599
Now let's get into the last phase, which is the legacy phase.

00:40:45.840 --> 00:40:48.159
You've been married 25 plus years, okay?

00:40:48.559 --> 00:40:49.280
Put that time in.

00:40:49.519 --> 00:40:50.719
We've put the time in.

00:40:51.519 --> 00:40:55.360
We've put the time, we've been through so many things, we've gotten through them.

00:40:55.519 --> 00:41:00.639
Uh, we have just built, we've renewed, we've grown, all of those things.

00:41:00.800 --> 00:41:02.960
But this is when it starts becoming about impact.

00:41:03.199 --> 00:41:05.840
You start looking back and seeing, okay, we have our kids.

00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:09.519
Our kids are probably maybe, I mean, 25 years, your kids may be grown.

00:41:09.760 --> 00:41:12.960
Uh, they may be getting married and starting their own families.

00:41:13.119 --> 00:41:15.119
What has your impact been on them?

00:41:15.280 --> 00:41:33.119
Uh, you're starting to look back and see where you've been able to touch the people around you in a way that is um showing others that you can make it.

00:41:33.280 --> 00:41:34.400
You can get here.

00:41:34.639 --> 00:41:35.679
It might take some time.

00:41:35.840 --> 00:41:39.360
You're gonna have your, you know, your bumps and bruises, but you're gonna get here.

00:41:39.519 --> 00:41:40.960
We're also talking about alignment.

00:41:41.199 --> 00:41:43.199
This is true alignment on legacy.

00:41:43.280 --> 00:41:44.639
We just wanna be able to give back.

00:41:44.719 --> 00:41:48.079
We just want to be able to show others what this looks like on the other end.

00:41:48.239 --> 00:41:50.159
And then marriage is now a mission.

00:41:50.320 --> 00:41:51.360
This has just been our mission.

00:41:51.440 --> 00:41:54.320
This has been something where, you know, it feels like a mission.

00:41:54.559 --> 00:41:55.440
25 years.

00:41:55.599 --> 00:41:58.079
We've been, we've been doing this for quite some time.

00:41:58.239 --> 00:42:04.159
And this also may be where you start talking to the younger couples and start, you know, just giving back in that mentorship role too.

00:42:04.239 --> 00:42:05.360
I think that's really key.

00:42:05.679 --> 00:42:14.880
Yeah, and then when you talk about putting that much time in, um, you've been able to, you now can look back at the path that you've been able to pave.

00:42:14.960 --> 00:42:24.800
But like you said, when you talk about that legacy, what are what am I, what have I been able to now see harvest from what I planted over the past decades?

00:42:25.199 --> 00:42:25.360
Right?

00:42:25.519 --> 00:42:31.679
Whether that's business, marriage, right, your kids, all of that now, like you said, time will either promote you or expose you.

00:42:31.760 --> 00:42:39.199
And that's what's gonna be revealed is man, look at your thriving family, look at all the hard work that you did, right?

00:42:39.360 --> 00:42:42.639
And for some people, it's like, man, people are sharing the stories of the mistake they made.

00:42:42.800 --> 00:42:43.039
Correct.

00:42:43.199 --> 00:42:45.039
I wish I wouldn't have been doing this.

00:42:45.199 --> 00:42:48.079
Man, I wish I would have really spent more time with my family.

00:42:48.239 --> 00:42:50.079
Maybe I wasn't, you know, working as much.

00:42:50.239 --> 00:42:51.760
That's what we start hearing too around that phase.

00:42:52.000 --> 00:42:52.159
A lot.

00:42:52.239 --> 00:42:55.280
You start hearing that a lot because now the money, like you know.

00:42:55.360 --> 00:42:58.719
And what's your but also what's your relational relationship like with your kids?

00:42:58.960 --> 00:42:59.519
That's correct.

00:42:59.679 --> 00:43:01.760
That's when you start seeing it really starts to develop.

00:43:01.920 --> 00:43:03.920
Are they coming back and do they want to be around you?

00:43:04.159 --> 00:43:06.079
And sometimes if they don't, ooh.

00:43:06.320 --> 00:43:08.079
This can go back to a certain way.

00:43:08.239 --> 00:43:09.039
The question is why?

00:43:09.280 --> 00:43:09.760
Right.

00:43:10.079 --> 00:43:11.920
And start asking yourself that.

00:43:12.480 --> 00:43:29.119
So, yes, man, we talked about the six phases of marriage that uh, you know, really from the honeymoon phase, the reality check, the disappointment and struggle, the stability phase, growth and renewal, and lastly, is the legacy.

00:43:29.599 --> 00:43:30.960
Anything else you want to add?

00:43:31.840 --> 00:43:44.960
I will say, lastly, just having your even sometimes treating like the marriage, there can be dual like responsibilities, but you all are like co-captains on this, you know, call it a ship, right?

00:43:45.119 --> 00:43:49.440
But you're you want to make sure that you're sailing towards the same port or the same path.

00:43:49.679 --> 00:43:53.280
And then also knowing that everybody can have different responsibilities and duties, right?

00:43:53.360 --> 00:44:06.719
Like you literally can be collaborative and treat the marriage that way of what are your strengths, what are my strengths, how do we come together for the best like mission and best legacy outcome that we want to be able to achieve?

00:44:06.880 --> 00:44:19.199
And I think the more that you can come down to that financially and it uh come down to that foundationally, and then getting the help, whether that's therapy or you know, a relationship counselor, just building on the resources that you share.

00:44:19.280 --> 00:44:20.400
I mean, game changer.

00:44:20.639 --> 00:44:22.079
Yeah, I agree.

00:44:22.800 --> 00:44:31.039
If this helped you today, please send this to somebody that may need it or send it to your partner so that they can listen to it.

00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:33.119
Have the open dialogue.

00:44:33.280 --> 00:44:37.360
We always say you want to be hot, which is humble, open, and transparent.

00:44:37.599 --> 00:44:48.960
Uh, if you are following us on YouTube and watching this, please like and subscribe and let us know in the comments where you are, maybe in your stage and how you're feeling.

00:44:49.119 --> 00:44:57.360
If you're watching us on social media at Coupley Fit C O U P L E Y F I T, please make sure that you let us know.

00:44:57.519 --> 00:45:02.639
DM us and let us know how you are feeling about this episode.

00:45:02.880 --> 00:45:07.840
And as always, keep growing, glowing, and feeling better together.

00:45:08.159 --> 00:45:08.800
Bye.