WEBVTT
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Hey Cupply Fit, fam, Welcome back to another episode.
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We are so excited for you to join us today.
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We are going to be touching upon a hot topic when do you want to be a wife or a bride?
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But before we jump in, please, if you are watching us on YouTube, like and subscribe.
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Let us know your thoughts on what you were feeling thinking about the episode.
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Let's dive in.
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So I think it's really important to talk about the difference between wanting the wedding day versus wanting the marriage life.
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What are your thoughts?
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You're absolutely right.
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I think we can actually take a step back.
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Oh, okay.
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Before we even get to the wedding day, some people just want the ring Right.
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You know some people, just, you know, I always see.
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It's like you see the post that start dropping where everything's got the finger and the ring in it that's right, it's like steering wheel nail salon yes, check me out.
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It's like right so, but it becomes such a focus on, like I want to be wifey, right, I want to be married.
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I want the title.
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Do I really want what comes along with the union and the responsibilities?
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yes, absolutely and so I wrote down something that's with the union and the responsibilities yes, absolutely.
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And so I wrote down something that's called the glam versus the grind.
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It's a lot of people that wasn't shooting in the gym.
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Somebody remembers that Were you with me shooting in the gym.
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Yes.
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Were you with the grind, or are you only here for the grind?
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Yes, yes, now what we're talking about, the grind is going to be a little bit different.
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So, when it comes to the glam and being the bride, it's very much about.
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This is the moment I'm here for the party.
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It's the dress, it's the ring, it's IG worthy wedding, it's our hashtag, right so very in the moment of the wedding day, as opposed to when you are a wife, you're talking.
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This is long-term commitment, this is communication, this is partnership, this is respect, compromise, consistency all things that are long term, not just that instant.
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I'm here for the day no, you're spot on, and I think two things can be true right, because we had, we had a hashtag, we had all of those things, but it was also.
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No, but I'm saying that's what this is about, is I'm here for the main day, the main event, and then after that it's oh, I guess we're married now, you know what it kind of reminds me of I'm trying to remember what country, but in another country, and I think they had like R 17 million dollars on the wedding and like the what the marriage lasted, like six months yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
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That's exactly what I'm talking, like they had rihanna.
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I mean she's performing, it's that right, it was, it was the kim kardashian marrying.
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What, chris humphries, I believe it was I forgot, and that was 90 days how many people she's been married.
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I mean, she's been married to about four or five people now at least three dang so that's a lot.
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I mean it's a lot, so right is she here for being the bride I think, or bearing, being the wife I think it's all of the being the bride right, it's all of the things that you mentioned.
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It's the ig, it's the glam yes but to your point, right, we live in such an era now, too, where social media will show you the glam moments, but it's a lot of people right now living in a grind moment, right Like.
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There's more and more people that are overcoming adversity, are trying to figure things out.
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Right.
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There's more and more, even on the relationship side, people's families that are Kardashian.
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It's a blended family.
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Whoever she marries for the fourth time, they're going to be in a blended family.
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She has kids from a previous relationship, so like you have to be prepared for those other elements.
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Um, yeah, it's not just going to be easy.
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Yes, so interesting enough, right?
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What are some signs that you might only want the bride experience go ahead?
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well, one of the ones, yeah one of the ones that came to my mind a sign that you only want the bride experience.
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Are you willing to do the work?
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So if your partner says, hey, let's go to marriage counseling, and that's.
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I wrote that down too, and they're like you know what, I don't want to go to marriage counseling, but I do know where I want to go for my bachelorette, that's a sign she's not really focused on the long game.
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Correct, so I wrote you have more excitement for the wedding day than the relationship.
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Can you repeat that?
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More excitement for the wedding day rather than the relationship.
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And there's a quote that I loved If you're not excited, you're not invited, you're not invited.
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So if you're not excited, you're not invited.
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But that's not just for the wedding, that's for the relationship.
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I want to see some enthusiasm.
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So to your point, ray are you investing more time into planning your wedding, yes, or are you investing more time into preparing for marriage?
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So something that we've talked about before, too, was also what are you doing during the time that you are engaged?
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Right now, the engagements here you have the ring I.
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This is something we learned.
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You know we were engaged and married in 10 months.
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Definitely don't recommend that.
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Spend some time in the engagement phase, where you are learning to just more about, hey, what I mean.
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I do think that this should be discussed before, which is why we were talking about the premarital counseling and even going back to our previous podcast episode of some of the pre-marriage questions that you should be asking, because when you're engaged is not the time to start talking about.
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Oh well, how do we want to raise our kids?
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Are they going to be religious?
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What type of schooling?
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Who's going to be the disciplinary, and that all needs to be covered before we even get engaged.
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And now, when the engagement happens it?
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Okay.
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Now let's start talking more about.
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What does life look like after our wedding day, right?
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Do we want to start kids right after?
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Do we want to wait a little bit?
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Do we want to travel, right, what are start talking more like that as opposed to oh hey, by the way, how much student loan debt do you have?
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Yeah, one thing I know.
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I know we weren't afraid to ask some of the tough questions.
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At all.
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Do you cook?
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Okay, First date.
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I'm just I'm just keeping it real.
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That was one of my first questions, right?
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So don't be afraid to.
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If it matters to you, don't be afraid to ask, but you're also saying that this is again in our previous episode, where we talked about what are your not red flags, but what are your deal breakers.
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Or green flags, and for you no, but for you a deal breaker is if you can't cook that was a deal breaker for you, deal breaker, you're not having it.
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That was up there with the athleticism, but what I was going to say when it comes to, also just to the point that you were making, I think that right now, so many people want the hype, they want the excitement, they want the excitement, they want the social media experience, but then what?
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Because what really happens and I saw something recently too, when it was a poll and I think it was split like 60-40, but they were talking about people that spend I think the average wedding is like $25,000.
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Something crazy.
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I know it's like $25,000.
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So the question was do you spend the spend the 25 000 on average on a wedding?
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or do you get a house, or do you get a home and I heard people gave the example bought a home did the wedding in the backyard or at the house.
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So smart, it was a house working the whole brilliant brilliant because when you think about it and I love it, even when I think about our wedding not only do we have a ton of people, but like there were people there that I'm like man who are you?
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Man, who is this?
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Who is this?
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Whose friend is this?
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So I say that to say right.
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So I say that to say when you have those who you know up in here, when you had that experience, you're like, wait a minute, this could have been way more intimate, way smaller.
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But also when you have a home and you invest into that, that can be something.
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You're a family for generations, that's something that's correct.
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That's something that's going to be a positive asset for you versus the wedding is.
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Don't get me wrong.
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You have the memories, but that's an experience.
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That's one time you got the photos but like there's so much spent and we just saw the statistics and the data around normal flowers $20.
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Wedding flowers $200.
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And you're like it's literally the same flower.
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It was wild.
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You found out it was a wedding and you 10 times remember.
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Yeah, I remember that.
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I remember that, I remember sitting down in the flowers.
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It's like this is a $5 sandwich, this is a wedding sandwich, $50 sandwich.
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Yes, or they try to get you right.
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If you want a venue, they will try to say that you have to use their catering, you have to use their Do you want alcohol, like everything is yeah, everything You're taxed.
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It's like being at a wedding.
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A wedding is like being at a restaurant and everything is a la carte.
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Everything, like literally the fork, the knife, the water oh, you want ice cubes.
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Yes, okay, but that's what it feels like, though.
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It does Like literally everything is itemized.
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I know and you're like dang, how did we get to 25?
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Oh, now how?
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Now I see.
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Yeah, no, we were definitely one of those couples that were on the higher end, not by choice.
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Not by choice.
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We had a budget on what we wanted to do and even for us, I remember.
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I mean, you know, we.
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We had some critical conversations.
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We did to the point of should we just elope, because we're doing this for everybody else, but what are we doing for ourselves?
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You, this is again.
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This wedding is about you and me, and again that, but I feel like that's also going into we're talking about do you want to be a bride or do you want to be a wife?
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It's the same too for I.
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I feel like men as well, although the right when you talk about society and it's like, oh well, girls, ever since they were younger, were always thinking about their wedding and their wedding dress and all of those things.
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I was not one of those girls that thought about that, so for me, I would have.
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I always thought about being a wife, not being a bride.
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So even when that happened and we had our wedding, it went by so fast, so fast.
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We barely got to eat.
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I don't even think I even drank an alcoholic drink.
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That's crazy, it went by so fast and it was open bar.
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That's crazy.
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You didn't have a drink.
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That's what I'm saying.
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It was open bar and people were going off on the open bar, open bar, but anyway, people who are having too good of a time but having too good a time, and I don't even get a drink.
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I'm the bride and I don't even get one.
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But that goes.
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But that goes to the point.
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I didn't mean to cut you off, but that goes to the point of who are you doing this?
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who are you doing this for?
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is it for your union or for other people to have a good time?
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Yes and what came to my mind, one of the best pieces of advice that I heard and and we found this out after we got married.
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So this is for somebody that's going through this stage of wedding or planning right now.
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If you haven't talked to them in the last year, they're not invited.
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They're not invited.
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So that means if you ain't talked to them in the last 10 years, they definitely ain't invited.
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They're not invited.
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And don't let somebody bully you.
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That's a big one.
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Don't let somebody bully you especially if you're the bride and it is, it's your in-laws or or somebody on the on the husband's side of the family and again we're talking a heterosexual relationship and it's on the other side of the family.
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Like, don't let anybody bully you into something that you don't want, that you are trying to accommodate for everybody else.
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Again, this is about you.
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It's the time to be not bridezilla.
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You don't need to be rude and and disrespectful, but definitely stand up for yourself.
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Fair but firm fair but firm and a perfect example of that.
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What does that look like?
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And these are areas where, again, I'm seeing it as areas of opportunity, cause, when you spoke to some of those things, you're speaking to me, so I hear that one is saying no, all right, no, we're not going to do that.
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And we had the critical conversations but, even when you're having it right.
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you said but you use the key word which, not realizing it until later on, it's like no, it's bullying.
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And what does that look like?
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Sometimes you have family that, uh, you know, pull the seniority card.
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Yes.
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So-and-so was at our wedding.
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So-and-so, we've known them since.
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And you haven't talked to them since.
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Stop it.
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This family member, or X, Y and Z, but what it creates, though, is that the list just keeps getting added to Correct So-and-so, so-and-so so-and-so.
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And then who's paying for this?
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That's another big one investment and that can be into a house or something like that.
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Basically, don't do it for the gram.
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Really think about that long game.
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But if you're having this discussion or listen to this episode and someone just cannot see past like the 20 or 50 or 100,000, whatever the wedding is that is of their dreams, if they can't see past that and they also don't have that money in their account, that's a red flag.
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Because if you got it now, if you're like, hey, I've been working so hard, I've been saving since I was 16.
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And I just want I'm just keeping it real right my family's got the money set aside for me and it's like we can do whatever we want for the wedding.
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That's one thing, but a lot of people are coming in like I really want somebody to sponsor your wedding.
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Definitely do that, um.
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However, on the flip side, here's the thing just being fair if you were that little girl that has always thought about your wedding and it's something that you've talked about over time and you know exactly what you want you've had your pinterest board or vision board then I would say that would be an opportunity for you to see where you can trim right, like see where you can save money.
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But definitely try to do what your dream has always been, because there are, I know, some women now, but you know that were younger girls and they said I always, like I had a vision of what I wanted and I'm so excited for it.
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But, to your point, don't get so distracted by that vision that you forget how long the journey is, because the journey is lifelong.
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The journey is is consistent.
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It's you have to.
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It's a choice every day that you have to make in order for you to be staying on your.
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Your goal of staying married right and not being able to drift apart in in all those things.
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I feel like that's a whole nother topic.
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Is is right and not being able to drift apart in all those things.
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I feel like that's a whole nother topic is.
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It's not the goal to get married, it's to stay married.
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Correct.
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And then it's not just to stay married, but it's to be happily married.
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Correct.
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Because how many people are married right but not on the same page?
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Yes.
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And I just love what you touched on there too, which the journey.
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Journey, it's a marathon, not a sprint right and I think sometimes it's like that wedding is such a sprint and now you've overdone it, potentially in debt, struggling trying to figure out like, okay, what's next, and it's like this that season ended so fast, but now, if you think about it right, what society will tell you and this is what a lot of people put pressure on us was like you need to hurry up and get married, like you said, 10 months.
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Right, but then you're compounding.
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Is that what you're?
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going to say Compounding Because we got engaged, right?
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We really didn't have the money for this $20,000, $25,000.
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Well, hold on and that's out of pocket.
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That's not the world that we live in.
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It was a um.
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I'll see you in two weeks listen, I'll see you in a month, got you.
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I'll see you in a month.
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Right, it's kind of not quite lay away, but it was like I'm gonna go ahead come, I'm gonna put some on it, I'm gonna keep coming to see you.
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So, when I even think about that, give yourself more time, because it allows you to save, it allows you to go ahead and afford that ring, it allows you to have it paid off.
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But think about it, fiance, your husband is invested into the ring.
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That's a big investment.
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Now, the average wedding is another twenty twenty five thousand.
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That's a big investment.
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What do people say as soon as you get married?
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Oh well, where are you going on your honeymoon?
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Who's funding the honeymoon?
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You're taking all this time off work, so you're making less, you're spending more, and then guess what they tell you.
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Where's the baby at?
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First come marriage, then the baby in the carriage and you're like wait a minute, how?
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much A baby costs $30,000 for the first year.
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Can you speak how much?
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money did we just rack up $30,000 for a baby, $20,000, let's call it $25,000 for the wedding, and then maybe you know, I don't know what the average would be, and just to put it in perspective $30,000 for a baby.
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some people can't fathom that.
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That's what some people make in an entire year, correct, and food, god forbid, anything happens.
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And you have to, like you know, invest more braces all these not in a newborn, but you get what I mean.
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Right, there's all these things you got to put money into and it's like, wait, we're compounding.
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But that's what they talk about, right?
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But what also do they say you need to buy a house.
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Before you get the, you have the baby, so why don't you go buy?
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You got to buy your dream home and it's like, wait, we're, we're in our twenties or thirties and it's this idea of your dream home.
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But when we see the stats, people don't make their, like their peak income until they're in their mid fifth, like early to mid fifties.
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But social media is like you need to have your dream home at 20, 28 or 30, right, married, two kids, all, and it all is just compounded and stacked.
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And then people end up in a situation where the financial struggles are now in play, right, you can't do the paycheck to paycheck, right, even if you're making good money.
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But that goes to the biggest, one of the biggest pressures on a marriage in a relationship which is finances yes, you're absolutely correct and this goes into.
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So then what are some signs that you're ready for the wife?
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Energy that can look like you value teamwork, you know that you're building a future.