Episode 48: Want More Peace? Start with Better Boundaries

WEBVTT

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Hey Couplee, fit fam.

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Welcome back to another episode.

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Today we are talking about marriage boundaries how you can protect your peace, you can build purpose in your marriage and you can have love.

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So we're very excited.

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We're very open to feedback.

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Cannot wait.

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Speaking of feedback.

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I'm loving the curls right now.

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Thank you, my love.

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I appreciate you.

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Let's dive in.

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Are you ready?

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I am.

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Are you ready, all right?

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So first, I loved how.

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So we're going to talk about marriage boundaries.

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What, when you think of boundaries, what do you hear?

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When I say boundaries In general it doesn't have to pertain to marriage, but just in general what do you think?

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Yeah, boundary.

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I think of literally putting a wall up, like you just put up a wall, there's something put up, there's now an exterior wall that's stopping something that was happening from happening.

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Moving forward is what comes to my mind.

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Okay, so interesting enough, right, because we were just prepping for this episode and I really loved how, rather than a wall like you said, maybe looking at boundaries as being a bridge.

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What are your thoughts?

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I like bridge.

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Right yeah, I mean because, again, a wall.

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Naturally, people will have you thinking that a boundary is something that's negative.

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A boundary is like what do you mean?

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You're putting up a boundary on me, because a lot of times, what we have found is that the people that need boundaries are oftentimes the people closest to you, because if they're not close, they don't even have access, right, right.

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So, yes, when someone gets a boundary, they're like what do you mean?

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But I like the bridge versus the wall, because it can have a negative connotation.

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I think boundaries like why did you have to do that?

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versus I gifted them a bridge of a boundary yes, and so to your point right, a bridge can also be looking at.

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I am trying to protect this connection that we have, and so that does come with a boundary of more.

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So this is where I may need a little bit more attention.

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These are some of my triggers and really, ultimately, what I think a boundary is is clarity, right, like it's clarity on where you stand, where I stand, where we stand as a couple, clarity on where you stand, where I stand, where we stand as a couple, our shared values as a couple, rather than I'm putting up a boundary.

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This is me saying no to you, no, no, no, no, it's just.

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Hey, let's be clear, let's be um, as we always say, with coupley fit, you know, we are hot, which is an acronym for humble, open and transparent.

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So, keeping that same concept with, let's also keep it clear yeah, but to your point with the opening clear.

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I think for some people, ignorance is bliss.

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Oh like.

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They don't know, they don't want it to be clear, they don't want to have a direct boundary, they don't want to like, they don't want it to have to be cut and dry.

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I'm like this is where we stand.

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They much rather it be like oh, I thought I could get away with it or like right people can't wait to you know.

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Throw the rock high in their hand, act like they didn't know what did I do?

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And you're like you knew exactly.

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You know what you did.

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But interesting enough.

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But to your point right.

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Some people will say, well, no, I don't know what I did, what do you mean?

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And then, when you got to call them out, well, you're calling out, you're holding them accountable.

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That's, I'm holding you accountable for your actions, for your behaviors and for what you're saying, and that's as we know.

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I mean, nobody really likes to be held accountable, especially if it's like all the time and if it's from your partner.

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That can be very difficult sometimes, but in my opinion, I feel like it's needed, especially if you are trying to again right, build that bridge and make sure that we're clear on what is working for both of us.

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Yeah, and I think that a lot of times, what that can look like too I'm just thinking of boundaries that we've had to put up, not on not as much with each other, but more so with other people outside of our relationship, and a lot of times people were resistant to those monitors, like why, what do you mean?

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I'm getting it Like, why is this here?

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I don't want to necessarily talk about it or I want to be able to have the access that I once had, but one thing about marriage is that things do change.

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Whoever's like telling people, oh, get married.

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Or like, oh, it doesn't, like nothing changes, it's just a piece of paper, right?

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No, no, things do change.

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This is a forever commitment.

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But also like it's you no longer.

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You know the Bible talks about departing from your family or from your parents and clinging to your wife or your spouse.

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That's not just being said for no reason.

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So it's meant that you all are now one, and things that are outside of you all are could be a distraction.

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It could be something that's truly moving you further apart versus closer together.

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And and obviously, like that's not what anybody wants and you look at the divorce rates, right, and things that we see people lose a lot of hope in like how do marriages last?

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Right, well, interesting enough, you know, the statistic is I believe it's lowered a little bit, but 70% of divorces are initiated by women, and so I think that is something we need to pay attention to.

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Are brothers getting caught off guard.

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But are they?

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being caught off guard.

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That's true.

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Or are we setting up boundaries but you're not adhering to them?

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She gives you the divorce papers on the 1,000th time that she told you to dump the trash and you didn't.

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And you're like, what do you mean?

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And she's like I've been telling you.

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I've been telling you but yes, that is like a simple way to put it but ultimately, what the main reason across the board was and this came from one of the top divorce attorneys in the country and he was explaining the patterns that he's seen over time and he said that when it comes to women initiating, it's because they feel as if, essentially, I'm doing it all, I'm the breadwinner, I'm doing everything at the house, I am taking care of the kids.

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So really like, why are you here?

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What do I need you for?

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What do I need you for?

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That's tough.

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Nobody wants to hear that.

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But also the statistics don't even factor into people that are just unhappily married.

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Yes, Living together just not speaking Separate rooms.

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How many times?

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And this is just something, an observation that we make, because we're really intentional about when we go out and we're eating dinner, eating meals Like we're talking, we're having conversations how was your day?

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Like, let's talk about different things, but when we look around the amount of couples that have nothing to say to each other Nothing, I mean, it is beyond me.

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I'm like do y'all realize?

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Y'all just sat here for an entire Dinner.

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Come on now.

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Yeah, and an outing, and everyone's looking around.

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You had lasagna and shrimp, alfredo, and said two words.

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The entire meal, yes.

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And then we see that it turns into gossip.

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Right now, somebody's looking around and it's like a nudge, nudge.

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Oh, do you see what they're doing over there?

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rather than hey, what's going on over here, let's talk about what's going on at this table yeah, and to that point it's a lot of times too, I see, and I'm grateful for this.

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We we spend a lot of time together, but it's in a good way that we're also able to have these moments of connection and conversation, whereas we do see a lot of married couples that, and couples in general, that it's a I need to cling to either another couple like I need someone else a buffer, I need a buffer, or I need someone else to be that bridge for me, yes, like we can't just have the real

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yes, because there's.

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There's too many things that either need to be addressed, need to be talked about.

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What would they say?

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The elephant in the room, elephant is just there making the making a?

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No, I don't.

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I was trying to make the sound of the elephant like the trunk is going up right, but like the elephant in the room is there and it's like you, instead of us talking about this, let's go ahead and make it.

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Let's play a game, let's do something different.

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Distractions.

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Let's get a distraction in here.

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Yeah, so when you think of boundaries, do you think that it's control?

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Yes.

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I do.

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I do when I think of boundaries.

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Oh, like you're taking control, taking control back.

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Okay, I see, I see, I see You're taking control.

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Yeah, because a lot of times, when I think of the situations where I need to create a boundary, I've lost that control.

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The control has been lost.

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Yes, or you feel out of control.

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Come on, we are now at a place.

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If we looked at it like a car, we're no longer on the freeway, we are outside of the lines and I'm trying to figure out how we got here, and so now we have to course correct.

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And so to me, it is taking back control of the wheel which is having that difficult conversation, or us saying like wait, how did this get here?

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Or what was the root of this?

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And sometimes it's getting down to the root cause, right?

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Like what's the crux of the matter?

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Like how did we actually get here?

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yeah, but difficult conversation, and a lot of people don't we like to call it it's a critical conversation.

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And in something else, and this is going to really land and bless somebody right now, choose your hard is the quote that I heard recently.

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It's hard to have the difficult conversation, but it's harder to allow your feelings to be stepped on or to not acknowledge what's going on, right.

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So it's like, either way it's going to be hard.

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It's going to be hard to have the difficult conversation.

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You know, maybe be in that moment and it'd be uncomfortable, but it's even harder to let five, 10, 15 years pass.

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You never said anything and it's literally festering like spoiled milk.

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And, to your point right, the fester turns into resentment, and now I resent being around you Nothing to say to each other?

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And have you ever heard, have you seen, the meme?

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It was John and Kate plus eight.

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So I used to watch that show all the time on TLC.

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No, I don't.

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So I've seen it, but you know what I'm talking about.

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Okay, so, john, and Kate plus eight and there and there's a famous clip where she and her husband are sitting on a couch they're doing an interview and she stops the interview, looks at him.

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She said can you stop breathing so loud?

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And you just see him, his eyes open widely.

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He's looking around like breathing loudly what You're getting on my nerves.

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You're getting on my nerves.

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Just your breath, my nerves.

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I had enough of you.

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Just your breath, just you breathing, just your presence, just your breathing, your presence is taking me over the edge.

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It's taking me over the edge you never want to get there.

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You never want to get there, so okay.

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So I understand the you're taking control back, and so Do you also think that it's giving peace and respect.

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Giving when you get a boundary or when you gift, like when you give when you gift a boundary.

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When you gift a boundary.

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Is it peace for you, is it?

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clarity for you.

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Oh, it does lead to peace absolutely.

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What about respect?

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Yes, and I was going to say, because it's me respecting myself, come on now, right, because a lot of times that you need to create the boundary because you're being disrespected.

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Come on.

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Come on now.

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Yes.

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What, what, what did uh, what baby doing that one interview?

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You put some respect on my name.

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Respect, it's important.

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There's.

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There was no CT.

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There's a K.

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There was a K.

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Respect on my name.

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ASAP.

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Uh, so, yes, Okay, and I absolutely agree.

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You know, it's the clarity in a marriage when you truly know and understand where the other person stands and where you also stand.

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It's not a this is me, this is you.

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It's well, let's think about, like our shared values.

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Well, let's think about, like our shared values, and what do we share together that allows us to be able to give each other, gift each other a boundary, I should say, because to your point it's, it can be seen as being a wall, but I do think that it's, if we look at it more as being that bridge, which bridge to me, is similar to shared values.

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It brings it from being me to we, and I think that's very important, especially when we talk about marriage.

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You want to be able to be in a position where it's yes, you need to have your me times and your me moments, absolutely, and that goes for a husband and a wife individually, but together.

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What are your we moments?

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What are your we boundaries?

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Uh, and I think that's very important to talk about, and if you can't talk about it, write it down, you know, like it's.

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I think that cause a lot of what we hear is people struggle with communication and how do I communicate, but also effectively do that and sometimes it's just easier to write it down or it's easier to text it over, it's easier to share a word doc, right, something of that nature that I don't necessarily have to see you face to face, cause I can be hard too where I have to.

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Like you have to face yourself sometimes, right, if somebody is gifting you a boundary, uh, and you're there, some of that boundary has to deal with you.

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Then you know you could feel attacked you're spot on and to that that me versus we.

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I heard a quote recently that was like mind blowing, from Malcolm X, and it's when we replace we, when we replace the instead of I and we replace it with we, even illness becomes wellness.

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It's like Whoa.

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it's like take that high off, brother Malcolm, brother sweet, sweet mother Martin you on, malcolm, take the high off of illness.

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Brother, sweet, sweet mother, mother, you know they replaced the I with the we.

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I was like whoa, yeah.

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But again we want to be well versus ill, right.

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And so when it's individualistic and it's just about me, again, illness yes, if it's a we we're going to be well, but it feels like that right, it does that right, it does.

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It does even for people.

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You know, I heard a quote earlier and it was, you know, top consultant and speakers talking about how he's consulting billionaires.

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He's talking to the wealthiest people in the world and again they have the I part figured out.

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They've got all of the money, all of the wealth.

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Yes, they're missing the we.

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Yes, so now they're literally unhappy yes they're like I've got all this money, I can do anything I want, I can buy.

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But I don't have anyone to share it with.

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No one to share it with.

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Really, my health is something that's probably been sacrificed, right, or they gave up on, but nobody to share it with.

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And so you see so many of these successful folks and it's like and if you really think about it, a lot of them lost hundreds of millions because maybe lost the first wife or, let you know, didn't treat her right yes, remarried, you're on like wife two or three.

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And it's like you guys and then realizing what's crazy you know now that we're able to see some of these interviews later, right when you're hearing from different people that either got divorced or they're on marriage two or three.

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A lot of them are like my first wife.

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It would have worked out it would have worked out, and we talked about that they're if.

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I actually like if I had the routine that I have now, or the insight.

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The insight, the routine, the changes.

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Like Tom Brady, right, like he's retired now, like retire Tom and just come on TB12 and Giselle, with him being retired, it's a totally different lifestyle.

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Yes, but he wanted one more year.

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No, I needed one more year.

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And then you retire and it's like to get back at Bill, I think, and again.

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But if you think about it, he lost.

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He gained a ring and lost a ring in one year.

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He gained a Superbowl ring and lost a wedding ring in one year and lost a wife.

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That's right, that's right.

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So it's very interesting that you talk about that, because then let's get into how do you create boundaries, because that's something we always hear Boundary, boundary, boundary, boundary.

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It's like, okay, great, how do I create it?

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And then also, how do I stick to it?

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Those are two of the main questions that we also hear, and sometimes that we have for ourselves too is okay, we're going to create this boundary, but how do we stick to it?

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Because this is going to be, it's.

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It's difficult, especially when you're talking about your spouse, uh, to also stay consistent in your boundary too, sometimes, cause it's like, oh, I want to, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and I'm not saying you shouldn't do these things, but it does get to a point where how many times have I given you the benefit of the doubt?

00:15:38.480 --> 00:15:50.885
How many times have I let something slide where now you think, oh well, I can, there's no consequences, so I can just kind of do it, although she says something, her actions are telling me, I can keep doing it.

00:15:50.885 --> 00:15:56.226
So what do you think is a way to create boundaries?

00:15:58.395 --> 00:16:00.924
As I think about creating boundaries, I think the first one is the acknowledgement.

00:16:00.924 --> 00:16:03.519
The acknowledgement that a boundary needs to be created.

00:16:03.519 --> 00:16:04.662
Something needs to change here.

00:16:04.662 --> 00:16:07.548
Self-awareness, self-awareness, Step one.

00:16:07.548 --> 00:16:08.577
Can we be aware?

00:16:08.618 --> 00:16:08.798
Right.

00:16:08.798 --> 00:16:10.043
What are your triggers?

00:16:10.143 --> 00:16:10.644
What's going on?

00:16:10.855 --> 00:16:11.275
What's going on.

00:16:11.275 --> 00:16:22.892
Let me take a moment for myself, let me journal, and if you are having difficulties with what to prompt yourself with, pinterest is a great resource.

00:16:22.892 --> 00:16:34.947
You can literally type in marriage boundary prompts and you'll get a list that will just be able to help you understand more of yourself, cause I feel like that's really where people struggle is, I don't know myself.

00:16:34.947 --> 00:16:36.820
So how am I going to know what my triggers are?

00:16:36.820 --> 00:16:43.018
How do I, how am I going to know what my, my overall self-awareness is?

00:16:43.018 --> 00:16:44.100
Because I don't have it.

00:16:44.760 --> 00:16:49.109
That's a great point and it's something that we always we always like to try to make the complex simple.

00:16:49.109 --> 00:16:53.047
So we've talked about this on previous episodes.

00:16:53.047 --> 00:16:54.174
But what is the emotion that you feel?

00:16:54.174 --> 00:17:00.003
A great quote, Maya Angelou right People forget what you say, they'll forget what you do, but they'll never forget how you made them feel.

00:17:00.003 --> 00:17:05.818
So, in those moments, with different people, how do you feel in that moment?

00:17:05.818 --> 00:17:15.858
And there's people right now, like there's a couple of people that I can think of, that like I naturally would get a little bit anxious or a little bit concerned if I know that like, oh, they're going to be at this spot, that we're going to be at just because they can be triggering.

00:17:16.199 --> 00:17:16.480
Yes.

00:17:16.740 --> 00:17:19.683
Right, everybody has someone that like, yes, they poke the bear.

00:17:19.804 --> 00:17:20.104
Yes.

00:17:20.144 --> 00:17:22.106
No matter what it is it's like OK that's right.

00:17:22.106 --> 00:17:34.214
I need to be mindful that I'm either not going to allow them to poke the bear I'm going to remove myself from the situation or I'm going to do something to be able to protect myself if I have no choice but to be in that situation and be around somebody.

00:17:34.414 --> 00:17:41.744
Right, and I think it's a great reminder that, just like the Bible says, we are in control of our own mind, emotion and will, of our own mind, emotion and will.

00:17:41.744 --> 00:17:53.721
And so if you feel, also in your marriage, when you're setting the boundaries, if it's getting too intense, when you're trying to have a mutual agreement about this, is where you are, this is where I am.

00:17:53.721 --> 00:17:58.861
Here's our shared boundary step away, take time away, just say, hey, I need a moment.

00:17:58.861 --> 00:18:07.281
I'm going to go into the other room, I just need to decompress for five, you know, five, 10 minutes, however long it takes you, and then come back to the situation.

00:18:07.583 --> 00:18:24.040
But I think that's something that is overlooked is coming back right, we can have this, this conversation, but if there's a blow up or if there's a disagreement, or if it just gets too emotionally overwhelming, then we leave the situation but don't come back to it.

00:18:24.040 --> 00:18:25.758
And now it's just sitting in the air.

00:18:25.758 --> 00:18:27.442
It's the elephant in the room.

00:18:27.442 --> 00:18:43.025
It's like, oh wait, we haven't actually addressed that elephant, and now the elephant is just getting bigger and bigger and bigger, cause it's literally like I in my mind it's feeding off of all the unspoken words, boundaries, you know, agreements, all of that.

00:18:43.586 --> 00:18:54.478
Yeah, and I, I mean, you're spot on, and to that point I think, when it doesn't get addressed, it the cycle repeats itself oftentimes, and so what that can look like I'm just thinking about.

00:18:54.478 --> 00:19:03.544
For us it's like you said when we weren't ready to have the conversation verbally, because maybe tone, maybe just not ready to like verbalize and put it together.

00:19:03.544 --> 00:19:06.409
Let's write it out, yes, let's text it Right.

00:19:06.409 --> 00:19:11.106
Or let's actually write it down in notes, not share anything, but share.

00:19:11.106 --> 00:19:16.181
Hey, I'm not hitting you with the silent treatment, I'm not ignoring you, I'm just processing what just happened.

00:19:16.221 --> 00:19:17.016
Yes, it was a.

00:19:17.016 --> 00:19:21.907
There's a lot, you know, there's a lot to unpack from what just happened, with whatever.

00:19:21.907 --> 00:19:34.790
So let's dive into this more tomorrow, and I want to share my thoughts on how I think we can avoid this in the future, or how we can, like you know, work around this, moving forward and what that gives you a chance to do.

00:19:34.790 --> 00:19:45.066
And really, what I love that we do is we're not making rash decisions, right Cause in that moment, when everybody's been there like you're charged up, adrenaline's going, you're angry, I'm about to crash out.

00:19:45.125 --> 00:19:46.449
I'm ready to crash out.

00:19:46.509 --> 00:19:49.275
And it's like slow down, let's, let's think about it.

00:19:49.275 --> 00:19:54.615
Don't send whatever message you wanted to send, or don't create that boundary in the moment.

00:19:54.615 --> 00:19:57.480
While you're fired up, let's go ahead and calm down.

00:19:57.480 --> 00:20:10.577
Let's maybe meditate, let's maybe sleep on it, but then also let's pray on it, cause sometimes, just praying on it and being like lord again and for those that maybe aren't, you know, everybody's in a different space in their faith journey, right, and it doesn't need to be.

00:20:10.577 --> 00:20:18.446
You know you going in and you know talking to the uh, the priest right and doing 10 hail marys, it might literally be you just sitting there and being like lord.

00:20:18.446 --> 00:20:22.320
Help me find the way yes to deal with this.

00:20:22.662 --> 00:20:30.743
Lord, god, help me work through this issue I'm having with my partner, with this person, and you'll be surprised how God sends you a sign.

00:20:30.743 --> 00:20:31.916
And it may not be.

00:20:31.916 --> 00:20:32.298
You know.

00:20:32.298 --> 00:20:36.607
People always sometimes feel like like is God going to come down and talk to me, right?

00:20:36.647 --> 00:20:38.980
now Signs, wonders and miracles.

00:20:39.000 --> 00:20:39.402
Come on now.

00:20:39.402 --> 00:20:45.279
You walk out and you see a sign on a bus that's like God's got you and you're like was that for me?

00:20:45.759 --> 00:21:06.194
It was for you and for everybody else that sees that bus today, but it's like that could be your sign, and so I just think that taking a moment acknowledging what happened and then being able to decipher through the best path forward it does, but, like you said, coming back to it, Because if you sleep on it, don't sleep on it, and you've been sleeping on it for five years and it's festering.

00:21:06.694 --> 00:21:10.326
Yes, and to your point, I know something for me.

00:21:10.326 --> 00:21:11.981
I am a visual learner.

00:21:11.981 --> 00:21:21.838
So in order for me to learn what your triggers are, or what you feel as if the boundaries are that you need to set I think a great idea too.

00:21:21.838 --> 00:21:26.999
Let's take it back to school, right, where you had the big white sheets.

00:21:26.999 --> 00:21:28.643
You know how you flip those over.

00:21:28.643 --> 00:21:32.598
You have the big white sheets here's, you know, for example, we'll just use us.

00:21:32.598 --> 00:21:33.781
Here's Kurt's circle.

00:21:33.781 --> 00:21:37.420
These are all of his boundaries, here's my circle, all of my boundaries.

00:21:37.420 --> 00:21:40.847
And then right in the middle are our shared boundaries.

00:21:40.847 --> 00:21:41.857
I think that's a great way to.

00:21:41.857 --> 00:21:45.317
Also, you're getting it out of your head and onto paper.

00:21:45.317 --> 00:21:56.076
Your partner is seeing what you're writing down, and then, when you create the shared values, that's something that you can also write out onto another piece of paper, post that somewhere.

00:21:56.076 --> 00:21:58.402
So now that's something you can come back to.

00:21:58.402 --> 00:22:00.006
You can say, oh, you know what.

00:22:00.006 --> 00:22:16.846
Let me just like remember what that boundary was, that she said or that he said, and let me just make sure that I'm being mindful of my partner, because when it gets to and I think that's another great way to what type of learner are you when you're learning your spouse.

00:22:16.846 --> 00:22:18.797
Are you an audio learner?

00:22:18.797 --> 00:22:20.781
Are you a visual learner?

00:22:20.781 --> 00:22:23.167
Do you need to be more in action?

00:22:23.167 --> 00:22:24.551
Right, what?

00:22:24.551 --> 00:22:25.693
How do you learn?

00:22:25.693 --> 00:22:30.144
I think that's a great opportunity to for you both to be able to figure out each other.

00:22:30.686 --> 00:22:39.836
And it was so interesting because I was watching the show black love and there was a viral clip that I saw on Instagram.

00:22:39.836 --> 00:22:51.277
I believe it was where the gentleman was saying he said I just know my wife, I know her, I know when she's mad, I know when she's sad, I know when she's uh, when she's disappointed, I know my wife.

00:22:51.277 --> 00:22:54.506
She said he knows me, he knows me better than I know myself.

00:22:54.506 --> 00:22:58.038
Sometimes, and I think we underestimate knowing your partner.

00:22:58.038 --> 00:22:59.820
Um, and I know that.

00:23:00.221 --> 00:23:11.638
Uh, it's true, it can be hard to know ourselves, right, but the more that you work on yourself and the more that you incorporate your partner into your overall journey and scope, the more they're going to understand you.

00:23:11.638 --> 00:23:16.036
And now it becomes oh, hey you, I noticed that you know.

00:23:16.036 --> 00:23:21.336
You make this certain face when you are disappointed or you're angry or upset, and it's like I do.

00:23:21.336 --> 00:23:22.317
I didn't realize that.

00:23:22.317 --> 00:23:26.104
Now you're seeing oh my gosh, you're learning me and it's like I do.

00:23:26.104 --> 00:23:26.724
I didn't realize that.

00:23:26.724 --> 00:23:34.816
Now you're seeing oh my gosh, you're learning me, and I think that's just really underestimated when it comes to marriage, it is.

00:23:34.836 --> 00:23:38.009
And for the husbands that are listening right now, uh, that are figuring out, how do I learn my wife?

00:23:38.009 --> 00:23:43.141
It starts off with listening to her, like, just to put it simply, like, are you listening, and then are you putting it into action and that listening.

00:23:43.141 --> 00:23:47.229
A lot of times people will tell you what they want, what they're looking for.

00:23:47.229 --> 00:23:48.780
A lot of times it's just being ignored.

00:23:49.336 --> 00:23:50.259
Yes, that's true.

00:23:50.355 --> 00:23:53.440
Like so often it's like yo, I've said it, and people are like what do you mean?

00:23:53.440 --> 00:23:55.359
You never try to read your mind.

00:23:55.359 --> 00:23:57.385
Yes, I don't know what you want.

00:23:57.385 --> 00:23:59.767
And she's like yeah, I want to go on date night.

00:23:59.967 --> 00:24:00.207
Right.

00:24:00.607 --> 00:24:03.588
I'd love to go on a vacation, I'd love to spend some time with you, without the kids.

00:24:03.648 --> 00:24:28.439
Hey, I'd love for you to stop working so early, like and even some of these things are for me, even things that you told me, like hey, man, it's six, it's seven, it's it's time to wrap up work and I can be so focused, whether it's on providing grinding, like hey, I want to accomplish these things, but let me and again, again, this could be the disconnect there could be someone that's working and grinding and doing these things for their family.

00:24:29.122 --> 00:24:33.563
But you need the boundary to be work needs to stop at 5, 5.30, a certain time.

00:24:33.563 --> 00:24:37.916
And you're both wanting to do this for the family.

00:24:37.916 --> 00:24:45.095
Right, my wife, you want me to stop work, to be able to spend time with you, to be able to prioritize things on the home front and the family front.

00:24:45.095 --> 00:24:49.395
I'm not, you know, playing video games or doing something like that.

00:24:49.395 --> 00:24:52.192
No, we're working for the family and for the foundation.

00:24:52.192 --> 00:25:00.262
But it's just being on the same page that two things can be true the work is a priority, you want to get it done, but then also there needs to be a hard stop.

00:25:00.262 --> 00:25:01.532
There needs to be balance.

00:25:01.794 --> 00:25:02.757
Your marriage is a priority.

00:25:02.777 --> 00:25:06.296
There we go Because, if you think about it, I know a lot of people and I know a lot of fellows.

00:25:06.296 --> 00:25:16.232
I know some high performing, some of the top business people.

00:25:16.232 --> 00:25:22.513
I know that don't miss anything like don't miss a comma, don't miss the date on a contract, but it'll be like my anniversary, my wife's birthday, and we talked about that in previous episodes.

00:25:23.095 --> 00:25:30.275
You know what when's the last time I they don't forget a client's anything, but don't know when's the last time you bought something for your wife.

00:25:30.275 --> 00:25:32.979
It's like, man, I don't know.

00:25:32.979 --> 00:25:38.326
It's like let's treat the same way that you value your number one client.

00:25:38.326 --> 00:25:41.196
There's nobody that's more important than your spouse or your partner.

00:25:41.196 --> 00:25:47.911
So have that same level of initiative and priority Right, and I think that sometimes that's just the mindset shift that we have to have.

00:25:48.132 --> 00:25:48.413
Yes.

00:25:48.413 --> 00:25:51.220
So now how can we stick to these boundaries right?

00:25:51.220 --> 00:26:02.257
So we've talked about accountability, which is key in any relationship, let alone if it's a marriage, but then also we talked about a little bit of consistency as well.

00:26:02.970 --> 00:26:15.252
And then grace over guilt is something, too, that we always preach in our episodes is you do have to have grace for your partner and not make them feel guilty.

00:26:15.252 --> 00:26:29.535
If you're just starting out on learning each other and learning your boundaries, your triggers, more than likely it's a miscommunication we've said that before and more than likely it is the person's not trying to be malicious.

00:26:29.535 --> 00:26:41.596
And sometimes it can feel like that in some ways, where it's like, oh, you purposely did that, or you're just not listening to me, and it's like, you know, charge it to my head and not my heart because I didn't mean to, but it's, you know.

00:26:41.596 --> 00:26:43.701
Give me some grace here 100%.

00:26:43.931 --> 00:26:46.499
You quickly touched upon because, like, what would be some boundaries?

00:26:46.499 --> 00:26:50.037
Right, that would be potentially in a marriage marriage.

00:26:50.037 --> 00:26:51.941
So you talked, I heard you say time boundary.

00:26:52.501 --> 00:26:57.906
Yeah, that's definitely one time boundary or work boundary um, I think that's definitely one.

00:26:57.906 --> 00:26:59.491
I you know another great boundary.

00:26:59.491 --> 00:27:01.457
I'm gonna use one that we even talked about.

00:27:01.457 --> 00:27:17.200
Right, like being in business and doing a lot of things where I'm out and about, I'm at events, I'm at conferences, I'm traveling, right and um, you talked to me about the example of, like you know, arms around, or like hugging people in photos, things like that yes so I just for both of us too, correct?

00:27:17.240 --> 00:27:23.250
yeah, just because you want to be mindful, like, hold on, somebody got their arm around somebody a little cozied up with my wife in this photo.

00:27:23.530 --> 00:27:24.673
Yes, I'm like girl.

00:27:24.673 --> 00:27:28.758
Hold on, you better remove your hand from his bicep, don't you dare.

00:27:29.077 --> 00:27:33.865
Oh your chest, oh girl, bye so I was like oh okay, thank you.

00:27:33.964 --> 00:27:40.632
Good, good point photos are like these right, but it's just, it's good to be able to know, like, okay, that's a good boundary to have.

00:27:40.632 --> 00:27:47.945
So now, like you're not going to see photos on social of like someone with their arm hanging around me or something like like those are just a perfect example.

00:27:47.945 --> 00:27:51.513
Another one, especially in social media, is like photos that you're liking.

00:27:51.513 --> 00:27:58.250
I don't see you liking photos of, like you know dudes with them doing their individual workout Shirt off right Shirt.

00:27:58.250 --> 00:27:59.556
Like no, you could like my photos.

00:27:59.556 --> 00:28:00.097
It's like that.

00:28:00.117 --> 00:28:00.298
Yes.

00:28:00.589 --> 00:28:01.736
But the same thing vice versa.

00:28:01.736 --> 00:28:06.295
So like that's another example of a boundary, is like and that's a social media boundary.

00:28:06.295 --> 00:28:06.755
That's a.

00:28:06.755 --> 00:28:16.385
So I just wanted to give like a real time work boundary, a social media boundary, a traveling apart, like we're talking about the photos and just when people hug you, things like that.

00:28:16.586 --> 00:28:22.901
Yes, and to that point with the travel, because I know quite a few people that are probably going to watch this or doing some sort of traveling.

00:28:22.901 --> 00:28:31.161
But the check-ins, right, it's not a check-in where, again, I'm like you check in at 8 PM every day, it's just like hey, just throughout the day, just let me know what's going on.

00:28:31.161 --> 00:28:34.204
And if you're like, hey, I have a lot of meetings going this time, what?

00:28:34.569 --> 00:28:36.455
No, I just was going to say no.

00:28:36.455 --> 00:28:37.799
It can be that level of check-in.

00:28:37.799 --> 00:28:42.352
Like so often, people be like no, like it's marriage, like I don't want to be checking in and all of this.

00:28:42.352 --> 00:28:46.517
But like I'll use the example of NIL, is big right now.

00:28:46.517 --> 00:28:49.980
I know a lot of my former teammates and things that are coaches.

00:28:49.980 --> 00:28:53.704
They check in with their five-star recruit.

00:28:54.266 --> 00:28:54.965
Okay.

00:28:56.010 --> 00:28:56.573
You're right.

00:28:56.573 --> 00:28:59.722
They are checking in with the five-star recruit on a daily basis, daily.

00:28:59.722 --> 00:29:02.377
They're checking in with the athlete, the parents, the coach.

00:29:02.377 --> 00:29:04.853
Auntie, are we getting you up here on a visit?

00:29:04.853 --> 00:29:05.334
You're right.

00:29:05.334 --> 00:29:06.096
How was your day?

00:29:06.096 --> 00:29:07.380
How was your practice?

00:29:07.380 --> 00:29:07.680
You're right.

00:29:07.680 --> 00:29:08.583
How are your legs feeling?

00:29:08.583 --> 00:29:10.042
Are you feeling fresh for game day?

00:29:10.042 --> 00:29:12.183
They're sending the invites.

00:29:12.183 --> 00:29:18.744
So, if you got that energy for your top recruit is your wife, not a five star that same energy.

00:29:19.144 --> 00:29:24.645
Is your wife not, or your husband not, a five star Boom and remember, and if they're not, you picked them.

00:29:25.946 --> 00:29:35.588
Or her Just saying so that's a different conversation yes, something else too, and we talked, touched on this briefly last episode was also a family boundary.

00:29:36.249 --> 00:29:46.840
You know, that's something that's that's another episode it is another episode and we're obviously going to touch on that, but it can be a little bit tabooish because, again, it's family, right, and you only get one family.

00:29:46.840 --> 00:29:48.573
You only get one mom and dad.

00:29:48.573 --> 00:29:52.910
You only get one um, you know, grant or two, but you know what I'm saying.

00:29:52.910 --> 00:29:57.239
You have your family and your immediate family, and so it's.

00:29:57.239 --> 00:30:10.776
It can be very difficult to put those boundaries up, not only in your marriage, but then also for your family, and so I think a main something that needs to happen when you are putting up a family boundary is you need to be on a united front.

00:30:10.776 --> 00:30:26.018
United front when you're coming, because, for example, one person can say like oh well, I know that my family disrespects you and that they're not kind to you, but I'm going to put, I'm going to go to the cookout, I'm going to go and hang out with them and do these things.

00:30:26.018 --> 00:30:28.074
It's like okay, so I'm just going to stay at home by myself.

00:30:28.233 --> 00:30:52.196
And now it looks like I'm the problem and I'm not the problem and it's bad either way, because we've seen it where somebody comes and they talk you know, grandma, or someone talking to your spouse crazy, crazy disrespectful and being slick and this sly little things yes, and then you don't want to be disrespectful, because it's like listen, granny but it talks about let that slide, but it talks about that moment of conflict.

00:30:52.217 --> 00:30:53.942
because you think about it, you got three options.

00:30:53.942 --> 00:30:57.337
You go to the family function and the because.

00:30:57.337 --> 00:31:01.939
Again, your family either changes their behavior right, which is one, but we can't control them.

00:31:01.939 --> 00:31:09.777
We can't control them changing their behavior and if you know auntie and them been like this for 30 years, don't expect them to change just because you got a new girlfriend, come on.

00:31:10.176 --> 00:31:21.095
So the first one is either you don't go right, which is hard because people are like, wait, you're not going to come, or you're not going to attend the event, like now, you're not around the family X, y, z, but that is a boundary.

00:31:21.095 --> 00:31:35.145
The other option is you go with a partner but you check whoever it is that's causing the issue and say, hey, we're not going to talk to them like that, we're not going to allow that or whatever, which is easier said than done, especially if it's somebody that's senior to you.

00:31:35.650 --> 00:31:35.710
Yes.

00:31:35.730 --> 00:31:42.038
So if you've got to check your mama or your aunt or your grandma or your dad like that's not easy, it's not, it's not easy.

00:31:42.038 --> 00:31:44.732
And they will look at you like, hold on, you're the child.

00:31:44.732 --> 00:31:45.673
How dare you talk?

00:31:45.673 --> 00:31:47.434
You're being disrespectful.

00:31:47.474 --> 00:31:52.119
That's the one You're being disrespectful, but if you don't acknowledge it.

00:31:52.119 --> 00:31:53.240
But you're respecting yourself.

00:31:53.280 --> 00:31:58.866
Correct and if you acknowledge it in your household, you're either the king or the queen right in your household.

00:31:58.866 --> 00:32:09.536
So if y'all two were the heads of the household, you can't allow someone to talk crazy to your partner or that type of thing.

00:32:09.536 --> 00:32:10.818
So then, like, how do you handle that situation?

00:32:10.818 --> 00:32:12.041
And then the dynamic is implementing.

00:32:12.041 --> 00:32:15.537
It is now, what do we do, moving forward, because, yes, this happened today.

00:32:15.537 --> 00:32:16.934
Are we going to the next event?

00:32:16.934 --> 00:32:17.878
Are we not attending?

00:32:17.878 --> 00:32:20.569
Or are we going to make sure that these changes get implemented?

00:32:20.569 --> 00:32:30.974
And I think that's that like additional step, because a lot of people just avoid the conflict and say, well, maybe you just don't go, and that literally starts to become the divide in the relationship.

00:32:30.994 --> 00:32:35.102
Right, but Well, maybe you just don't go and that literally starts to become the divide in the relationship.

00:32:35.102 --> 00:32:39.109
Right, but to your point, right, that's your shared marriage boundary, which is so important.

00:32:39.109 --> 00:32:42.394
So we hope that this blessed anybody and everybody.

00:32:42.394 --> 00:32:43.800
If it did, please share it with somebody.

00:32:43.800 --> 00:32:52.289
We know that marriage is hard, but hopefully we're able to give you some real life tips that we also have done ourselves.

00:32:52.289 --> 00:32:54.938
We promise we have done the hard work.

00:32:54.938 --> 00:32:55.921
It's not easy.

00:32:55.921 --> 00:33:08.676
We know and understand where you are, but if you are following us on social media at couple E, fit, c, o, u, p, l E, y, f I T, please like, comment, share our social media clips.

00:33:08.676 --> 00:33:11.492
If you are on YouTube, please like and subscribe.

00:33:11.492 --> 00:33:18.304
As always, until next time, keep growing, glowing and feeling better together.

00:33:18.304 --> 00:33:19.848
Bye.