Episode 47: What’s Really Holding Your Relationship Together?

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Hey Couple E Fit fam.

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Welcome back to another episode.

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Today we are talking about marriage, but specifically something called financial dating and how this also plays into marriage expectations.

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I'm telling you what.

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Right now some people have some false expectations out here.

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Listen, you see we're going to get into a viral clip that you saw, that I'm shocked.

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I'm shocked by People are saying it's treacherous out here in the dating world.

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I heard, I heard, I heard.

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It's treacherous waters.

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But before we get started, if you are watching us on YouTube, please like and subscribe.

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Our podcast episodes drop every Tuesday.

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All right, let's get into it.

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So, first and foremost, money is the number one source of conflict in marriage.

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What do you think about that?

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They're absolutely right.

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I mean because I feel like money can be the number one conflict without marriage.

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That's period Like if you have no marriage going on and the money is funny or the change is strange.

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Come on, Things getting a little bit weird just internally of like, oh, I would really want that, but you know what?

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I can't afford it.

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So add in a partner, add in wants that you both have, add in potentially a kid Right.

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Or just you're adding in the baggage of two people coming into a marriage a kid right.

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Or just you're adding in the baggage of two people coming into a marriage.

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And now you're talking about financial barriers or challenges.

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It just you already know it can be difficult to talk about or something you don't even want to get into.

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So some people just keep it completely separate and things get worse.

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Yes, and to your point right, We've heard separate bank accounts and then we have a joint bank account where those are that's where the bills come out of is the joint account, but then you know, you don't know how each person is using their money.

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We've also heard of allowances.

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So the allowance that is so triggering.

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The allowance is pretty egregious.

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I agree.

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When you hear a couple of stuff like, well, yeah, I got my spouse or my partner on an allowance, you're like who?

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Your child or your partner?

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That's one.

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The second one to your point that I don't really like when I hear people say, when couples do the separate accounts, that we have joint accounts, we have shared accounts, but people that have separate accounts.

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I hate when a partner says like, basically, you ain't got no money, but I got money.

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I've got money I got money, I'm good, you ran through your money and I just feel like that approach again now.

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If somebody is not good with money, right, and you have to be mindful, that's one thing.

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But just to kind of have that, but that's also what it sounds like.

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It sounds like right, that sounds like somebody is the spender, somebody's the saver.

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That's true, and somebody knows how to budget.

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Somebody doesn't know how to budget.

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So I think that you know that's something to be taken into consideration, because if you are the person that is doing the budget and you're the one that's trying to keep the finances in order, but yet your partner is just spending swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, then that that's very challenging amazon boxes showing up every day every day and telling the amazon there's a door, there's a doormat now that says move my Amazon boxes to the side of the house.

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So my husband doesn't see it.

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I mean there's, it's a whole doormat and it says all of those words on this doormat.

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And then you got wives.

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What's the thing that?

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That?

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What's what you said?

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Girl math?

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You taught me this.

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I had no idea.

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So if I, let's say, I buy something for a100.

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If I wear it 100 times it's free, what do you mean?

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I got my money's worth.

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I do understand having your money's worth.

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I don't believe in that, but I do see how that math is.

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I personally don't believe in that.

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As the one that's the budgeter, I don't believe in that.

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But I've had that's all over social media.

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Girl math.

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It's a slippery slope is what it tells me I bought my pair.

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You know, I bought a pair of $800 Louboutins and I wore them 800 times, so they're free.

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So here's what I will say If you do spend that much money on something, I do appreciate that.

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They wore it 800 times, so I will just say that.

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That part.

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That's one, that part.

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I want you wearing those every day.

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If you can right, those are going to be your every days now.

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But also it works both ways right, because we were on a podcast recently, shout out to jay.

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But jay elevate was like man, I'm buying you know two thousand dollars worth of shoes.

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I was like that is, I love sneakers, but, oh boy, that's a mortgage payment.

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So it can work either way in a relationship.

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But I think also what we talk about is it's important to have these discussions either pre-marriage or, if you didn't have it pre-marriage, have it right now.

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It's never too late.

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It's never too late, and that's actually a perfect segue into something else I wrote down, which is singles worry about financial compatibility before saying yes to commitment.

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Yes.

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So I think that's very key.

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Are we financially compatible?

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And we're going to ask a question here in a little bit that is maybe a trigger warning for some, as we ask a little bit later in the episode.

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You want to stay tuned because this will be a riveting discussion, but I want you to quickly go into the viral clip that you saw that prompted us to actually create this episode around this topic of financial dating yeah, I mean, I saw there was a lady said she wasn't going on a date if somebody didn't put down a thousand dollar deposit okay, okay is that the one?

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okay, that's the one I mean that was?

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I mean, if it was a thousand dollars, $20,.

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Is it simply the fact that you're paying to go on this date, or is it the fact that it was that you're even asking?

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It's all of the above.

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So, I don't care if it's $20 or $1,000.

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I feel like we're, to put it simply, I feel like I come from an era.

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We come from an era where, like, if I'm'm getting to know you, what is the deposit for?

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Like, literally, we're supposed to be getting to know each other and connect.

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Okay, I don't understand understand, I understand where you're coming from.

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Let me ask you already, because you're the one that saw the clip.

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Yeah, you, you can't wait to go into the comments too.

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Oh y'all one thing about Kurt.

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Kurt is he.

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He's a fan of the foolishness, but it it's three generations deep, y'all.

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Just know that, just know, just a little fan.

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So you're a fan of the foolishness, so you went into the comments.

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I did.

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And either what were the comments saying or what was the rest of her caption saying.

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Why was she asking for $1,000?

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So I got some additional contacts, okay, and what helps is that and this speaks to the era that we're in, which I think is a part of the financial dating is that come to find out.

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This is a former olympian that went viral with this clip, but it sounds like she's a part of the of or the only fans era as well, so that adds a layer of complexity, because I was trying to figure out the thousand dollars a deposit, but now this sounds like a whole separate business model, but I think it also goes to the business model.

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I think it goes to a whole separate era, though, that we're living in right now, where it's about, when you say financial dating, it's about this fast money, it's about this what are you going to do for me?

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Era, and I think so many people are getting consumed by that.

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So that was one more context that came from the comments, but I think there's also these other trending viral clips that we're seeing, where women going out to eat and they're purchasing food for the date and for later or for their kids.

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That's unacceptable.

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So I'm just saying that these are all, even though take the OnlyFans out.

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To me that's you're talking about a $200, $300 date Unacceptable.

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But I'm paying for your kids for meal for tomorrow at work.

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Well, hold on, that's crazy.

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Hold on, I'm just going to throw this out there, I'm ready.

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This is again.

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These are not my personal opinions or thoughts Go to the comments.

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What are the comments saying?

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My comments would say if you're dating me, you're dating my kids, so you will eventually have to buy me a meal and my kids a meal.

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So why not start now?

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You know now meal and my kids a meal.

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So why not start now?

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You know now, so I hear what you're saying and you know now, and can I tell you what that that prompts me?

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It goes back to the financial compatibility.

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It ain't tricking if you got it so if someone is going into it with the understanding, but most people ain't got it that's my point.

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So, if you're coming into the situation and let's also talk about the fellows, because there's a lot of fellows that are putting themselves financially forward where you're presenting yourself- that's right finances is what you're basically saying.

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I'm not going to give you quality time.

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Yes, I'm not going to necessarily be romantic, I'm not going to do all of these other things.

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The finances are why you're here, so you got to understand.

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If you get somebody, that's only about the finances, but that's how you present yourself when the money gets funny, don't.

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Don't be surprised when they start acting strange come on or don't be surprised if someone else comes to the table with more money.

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Absolutely.

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And they jump to the and they're gone.

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Yeah, it's almost like a client in business Somebody's offering more benefits and they jump to the next opportunity.

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Well, again, right, you're going to value add.

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What is your value add?

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And the value add that you're talking about, at least from the male standpoint, is I financially have the money to be able to support all of your aspirations and you know, whatever you want to purchase and buy Right, as opposed to a value add of compatibility you can rely on me.

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I am somebody that we're partners in this thing called life.

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Yeah, and it's not just about if you only bring this one thing to the table and anything shakes within that one thing, I'm either gone or I am upset and not.

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You know, I'm not somebody who's going to be here.

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No, it's not, actually no you're absolutely right because it's we see it happen in an instant right, whether you're a pro athlete and you're married to somebody and they're a wag right wives and athlete.

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You know the wives and girlfriends that are athletes and then that's sensationalized sensationalized on social media.

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Everybody wants to be a housewife or a, you know, a wag.

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And then today, you know, you look at this week cuts are happening.

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So NFL players are going to be getting cut.

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They're cutting down from 90 plus people that are currently on rosters down to 53.

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So when you look at that, people are losing their job.

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What happens to your partner if you don't have that title anymore?

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Do they still want to be in a relationship if that's what you brought to the table?

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I love what you said about the compatibility too, because when I think back to us dating, right, we're going back, you know, 10 plus years ago.

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Right, we've been married for coming up on nine years.

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But I think about the compatibility, one of the things very early on was I wanted to know are you going to get to know me for me?

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Are you getting to know me for whatever reason?

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So, like our first date.

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So I'm just going to perfect example of that is our first date was at Dave and Buster's.

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It wasn't a thousand dollar dinner where I was, you know, putting down the black card saying this is how I can wine you and dine you.

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It was literally.

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It was a $20 power card.

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We're having a good time getting to know each other, but I just I thought it was very genuine so I use it as an example that there are women out there, there are men out there that aren't just in it for the money, it's not just about financial dating, they're genuinely trying to get to know somebody.

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And I felt like that was our scenario, because at the time, there was no money, there was no jackpot money and like all of those things.

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Yeah, correct and right.

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At that time your aspiration was to be an NFL player, although that was not something that I even wanted to invest into.

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We had that conversation of oh, you're playing, I'm good, that's, that's okay.

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You kind of do your own thing and you know, um, we can see where this goes.

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But ultimately we realized that exactly what you said right it was.

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You know, we were kind of fresh out of college, so you're broke, like you don't really have that much money.

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I was working full time in food and beverage, and so you're broke, like you don't really have that much money.

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All I was working full-time in food and beverage and so you're working off of tips.

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You know you're hoping that people are, and that's.

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We're gonna do another episode on that, by the way, because we have some stories server life.

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We have some tea for y'all on that, but, um, so we didn't have that much money.

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And again, we weren't.

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We were never the people that are acting like we have something when we don't.

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I think that's that's what we're seeing now, especially with social media, because you're seeing everybody's highlights, specifically on Instagram.

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I do feel like with Snapchat and TikTok, people are being a little bit more real.

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It's a little bit more of like.

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This is true reality where, like I'm, I'm rolling out of bed, my hair's, you know, messed up, I'm just looking how I typically look every day, as opposed to getting myself done up for Instagram.

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But we're seeing that with the highlights that are happening on social media, people are then saying, well, if that person has that, then I should definitely have it.

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I deserve it and, don't get me wrong, I think everyone deserves the lifestyle that not only they can afford, but the lifestyle that is compatible to where you are within your money range.

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I'm laughing right now because there's something.

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We just had a family reunion and one of my cousins who's coming in college right now told me that you know the person that she's dating when he proposes.

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How many carats did she say she wanted?

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You know what?

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How many carats.

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How many carats did she say?

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She wanted Four or five carats.

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I thought she said six carats.

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It was something she said four or five carats, but remember, we looked because I saw Ronaldo's fiance's ring and that was something like 30 carats fiance's ring and that was something like 30 carats.

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It was wild.

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So then I just was like let me just throw this in the chat GBT and see what it spits out On average.

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They said normal people, which come on, normal people is around one carat.

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They said, like celebrities are closer to four or five carats, and then they went on from there.

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But I was wow.

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And I just want to put into perspective the type of he's got it, that's where.

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I was going.

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Got it Type of long money Ronaldo has.

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Ronaldo's got it Anytime your prenup goes viral.

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They had the prenup go viral.

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I didn't see that when I read the prenup, the just to put in perspective the amount.

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So when people talk about a 30 carat or I think the prenup said if they divorce or they split up, she gets.

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I think the prenup said if they divorce or they split up, she gets.

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I think it was like $2 million a year for like forever.

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And this is like playing it small, because this is if it doesn't work.

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Yes, this is her alimony, essentially Basically.

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He's got that much money.

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But I think the problem to your point, in the influence of social media era there's so many people faking.

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People are looking at the .001 percent which is a superstar soccer player and now that makes the the you're making that the bar, yes or or if.

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If ronaldo is at 30 carats, and that's the high, you're making the bar four carats, three carats, and it's like do y'all understand how expensive that is?

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especially if you want know we'll start talking clarity.

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Oh my gosh, you haven't even started going into that.

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She didn't even say that, she just said custom.

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Do you want custom?

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Do I want custom?

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Do I want engraving on the inside of my ring?

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This all costs money, y'all.

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And then I asked her the question well, I said, cuz, what does your partner do?

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She said, well, this is what he wants to do, this is what his job is going to be.

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This is the potential.

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This is the potential and I said let me stop you right there.

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I said based on the conversation that we're having.

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If you want four to, five carats that sounds like something 20 years from now.

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Yes, once he reaches and achieves A 10 year anniversary.

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A 10 year anniversary when it's the diamond anniversary.

00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:06.504
I need a new one that's a 25 year.

00:15:06.544 --> 00:15:11.698
That's a 25 year ring that you guys do a read like what that's.

00:15:11.698 --> 00:15:13.442
That's your ring 2.0.

00:15:13.442 --> 00:15:20.667
Your first ring is he's still got to pay off the school that he's going to yes, it's getting startering, it's just like a starter house and I and I feel like.

00:15:20.667 --> 00:15:25.414
The perfect example of it, though, is like almost like a car yeah and I feel like we had humble.

00:15:25.876 --> 00:15:26.822
we had humble beginnings.

00:15:26.822 --> 00:15:31.080
I remember my car, which really wasn't even my first car, it was my sister's car.

00:15:31.080 --> 00:15:39.798
That became mine because I got an older sibling, so it's like it was a hand-me-down, and I remember like taking stuff out of her trunk to like clean it up right, because it's like it's a blessing that you have a car.

00:15:39.798 --> 00:15:41.580
I just wanted to get from point A to point B.

00:15:41.600 --> 00:15:42.100
That's it.

00:15:42.100 --> 00:15:43.982
I don't care what, I just need to get there.

00:15:44.163 --> 00:15:44.904
I'm not walking.

00:15:44.945 --> 00:15:47.327
Preferably not, and I'm not asking anybody for a ride.

00:15:47.327 --> 00:15:51.620
I just remember that feeling was like whoa, whoa, that's kind of what it needs to be.

00:15:51.620 --> 00:15:52.479
That's what it needs to be.

00:15:52.479 --> 00:15:57.527
In the first ring you went from being single lady to now I'm engaged or married.

00:15:57.527 --> 00:16:03.306
Be grateful for whatever that is and also know this doesn't have to be that forever ring.

00:16:03.306 --> 00:16:10.081
You can always reinvest, you can add to it, you can stack rings on top of it, but I think we just can't.

00:16:10.081 --> 00:16:10.924
I think it gets so downplayed.

00:16:10.924 --> 00:16:12.331
The humble beginnings nowadays.

00:16:12.972 --> 00:16:13.916
You're absolutely correct.

00:16:13.916 --> 00:16:15.701
Here's something that I want to mention.

00:16:15.961 --> 00:16:16.302
I'm ready.

00:16:17.605 --> 00:16:25.101
What is the first question that a woman gets asked when she gets proposed to Let?

00:16:25.121 --> 00:16:25.602
me see your ring.

00:16:25.643 --> 00:16:26.485
Let me see your ring.

00:16:26.485 --> 00:16:28.688
That's true, let me see your ring.

00:16:28.688 --> 00:16:38.274
So, number one, that's added pressure on whoever the partner is In this situation we're talking about a heterosexual relationship, right?

00:16:38.274 --> 00:16:50.464
So for a man to propose to a woman, he, I would assume, has that pressure of okay, this ring is going to almost symbolize my love for you.

00:16:50.464 --> 00:16:59.724
Let's be honest, Because there's been a couple of times where we've seen some other people's rings and then we've also, like you hear, behind the.

00:16:59.975 --> 00:17:05.943
Well, you hear the reactions, but then you hear the chatter behind and it's like, oh, that wasn't, it was the.

00:17:05.943 --> 00:17:06.625
What is it called?

00:17:06.625 --> 00:17:08.471
Not the nuggets, what?

00:17:08.510 --> 00:17:09.012
are they called?

00:17:09.073 --> 00:17:11.362
You know what I'm talking about Like it's not like a full diamond.

00:17:11.362 --> 00:17:13.484
It's that I'm listen.

00:17:13.484 --> 00:17:14.189
People talk crazy.

00:17:14.694 --> 00:17:16.237
People get disrespectful when you break up.

00:17:16.797 --> 00:17:18.417
Yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

00:17:18.417 --> 00:17:23.682
And then they start thinking like, oh, we must be broke and let me pause right there.

00:17:23.761 --> 00:17:26.203
I just want to throw that out there.

00:17:26.203 --> 00:17:30.567
No, I appreciate you saying that because, again, let's pause right there, though.

00:17:30.567 --> 00:17:35.250
Is it about what other people have to say, or is it about the actual love?

00:17:35.290 --> 00:17:35.652
the relationship.

00:17:35.652 --> 00:17:36.992
For most people, yes, but that's the problem.

00:17:37.434 --> 00:17:45.369
So if you're getting, into a marriage because of what other people have to say about the ring, about where you're living, about what type of car you're driving, about all of those things.

00:17:45.369 --> 00:17:47.550
All of those material things can change.

00:17:47.550 --> 00:18:01.075
And that's probably one of the biggest things that happen, where you see the stories all the time, right when I literally just saw another viral story of a wife divorced her husband and the husband hit the lotto for like $73 million.

00:18:01.075 --> 00:18:09.565
I just saw that and he literally is looking, you know, and the guy looks very much like a rule lotto winner, lotto stud.

00:18:09.585 --> 00:18:10.145
Lotto stud.

00:18:11.755 --> 00:18:20.165
And he looks like I have no idea what just happened, but I say that to say do you now love him again, because now his financial situation changed?

00:18:20.165 --> 00:18:20.646
Yes, right.

00:18:22.855 --> 00:18:29.566
If you were there for that and that's what he brought to the table, or that's what he was promising you, then yes, I would think yes.

00:18:29.727 --> 00:18:33.076
And so to your point, when you go back to the promising and the expectations.

00:18:33.076 --> 00:18:43.842
I think that's such a big point because I think something that happens a lot of times is if you're coming in and you're tricking, or you're coming in and you're sending this high representative you're sending out and that's what happens.

00:18:43.842 --> 00:18:49.126
Everybody when you're first dating, even if you think about people's dating profiles.

00:18:49.126 --> 00:18:53.585
We're a pre-dating profile era, yes, but people that are in the dating profile era, literally, you're putting forth your representative.

00:18:53.664 --> 00:18:53.885
Yes.

00:18:54.174 --> 00:18:58.005
High camera angle, so you look your most, you look your leanest or your most.

00:18:58.005 --> 00:19:00.320
You know, whatever your best angles are.

00:19:00.320 --> 00:19:01.859
Right, You're showing yourself off.

00:19:01.859 --> 00:19:04.799
Maybe it's an older photo, right, it's whatever those things are.

00:19:04.819 --> 00:19:08.385
It's all the positives, it's all the angles, it's all of.

00:19:08.385 --> 00:19:13.415
You know this is the best version of myself, but, as we know, you're not always your best.

00:19:13.636 --> 00:19:13.997
Correct.

00:19:13.997 --> 00:19:20.541
And then when you're meeting somebody, it always sounds good when you say, oh man, you know, perfect example, when we're dating.

00:19:20.541 --> 00:19:27.445
It would have sounded real good if I would have came in on our first date and said oh yeah, I'm about to be an NFL player and I'm about to take care of you.

00:19:27.445 --> 00:19:34.486
Girl, you don't have to, you don't have to work, you don't have to have a job, you don't have to do anything, but just look good, that's what that's.

00:19:34.486 --> 00:19:35.307
That's what some would say.

00:19:35.307 --> 00:19:36.721
That was not what I said.

00:19:36.721 --> 00:19:41.298
I was the opposite.

00:19:41.298 --> 00:19:43.721
I wanted to really get to know you, your work ethic.

00:19:43.721 --> 00:19:45.324
I had two real early questions.

00:19:45.324 --> 00:19:46.144
Well, three.

00:19:46.164 --> 00:19:47.707
I don't know if you asked me that.

00:19:47.707 --> 00:19:49.989
Well, no, these are Maybe observations, observations.

00:19:50.250 --> 00:19:51.931
But my early question was do you cook?

00:19:53.136 --> 00:19:55.718
That was an early question, Y'all we almost didn't go past this first date.

00:19:55.718 --> 00:19:56.701
I want to let y'all know.

00:19:57.278 --> 00:20:00.580
I said who you know, what Can you cook?

00:20:00.580 --> 00:20:05.840
Secondly, I want to see what your athleticism looks like, how, the lateral movement, how?

00:20:05.840 --> 00:20:12.595
Because if we're gonna have kids and move this thing forward, gotta make sure my son's getting picked early and, uh, early at recess.

00:20:12.595 --> 00:20:14.198
That was important.

00:20:14.198 --> 00:20:18.467
Thirdly, I wanted to be able to see what was your work ethic like.

00:20:18.467 --> 00:20:27.584
So instead of me asking about your work ethic, I saw in dating you you weren't always available because you're like hey, I'm working a double on saturday, I'm working a double on Friday.

00:20:27.584 --> 00:20:33.818
Hey, I'm going to school, like I just finished up school, but like I'm in this program and I'm working full time.

00:20:34.119 --> 00:20:39.759
To me, those are signs that are very impressive that you had your own car, your own place.

00:20:39.759 --> 00:20:45.297
You're not looking to your parents or to someone you know, a sugar daddy or somebody to pay your bills.

00:20:45.297 --> 00:20:46.740
You're paying them yourself.

00:20:46.740 --> 00:20:55.726
Those are all signs that when you marry someone that's doing things and they're independent, that they're going to stay independent, or that's at least the foundation.

00:20:55.726 --> 00:21:01.020
So for me, that was very important, because it wasn't a scenario where you're looking at me like I don't know.

00:21:01.020 --> 00:21:01.757
I just had.

00:21:01.757 --> 00:21:07.642
I literally just had somebody a former teammate of mine on Facebook posted that he met somebody out at the airport.

00:21:07.642 --> 00:21:10.923
He bought a drink before the flight.

00:21:10.923 --> 00:21:16.026
She followed up with him the next week and said basically really sad news, I'm struggling with my bills.

00:21:16.026 --> 00:21:17.873
Basically, can you help pay my rent?

00:21:17.873 --> 00:21:21.028
He was like I just met you, like I literally met you on Saturday.

00:21:21.028 --> 00:21:23.959
You're asking me for help on your rent on Monday, like whoa.

00:21:23.959 --> 00:21:26.344
This is already a sign that you're going to need to take care of this person.

00:21:26.584 --> 00:21:31.335
Yes, so two things, and we're going to go on to the next topic.

00:21:31.335 --> 00:21:39.125
But the first thing when you said also about working, how I wasn't always available, I instantly went back to.

00:21:39.125 --> 00:21:42.250
I remember we were at the In-N-Out.

00:21:42.250 --> 00:21:43.538
That's right over there in Tempe.

00:21:43.538 --> 00:21:45.501
Off of what was that?

00:21:45.501 --> 00:21:48.667
The two, oh two, and what's that real?

00:21:49.015 --> 00:21:51.825
Well, let me just pause there at how many people can't go to in and out on a.

00:21:51.825 --> 00:21:53.480
On a quote, unquote date.

00:21:53.840 --> 00:22:11.382
Oh yeah Is that considered as too cheap that might've been like, and that might've been maybe the third or fourth date, and I remember saying to you I was like, hey, I just want to let you know like I'm coming from work, so I may not necessarily like smell the freshest.

00:22:11.402 --> 00:22:12.526
I literally had like stains on my shirt from.

00:22:12.547 --> 00:22:13.651
You know food and things like that country fire.

00:22:13.651 --> 00:22:14.634
So I was like I just want to let you know.

00:22:14.634 --> 00:22:19.386
But I'm just like I'm working, so either you take it or you leave it if you're like, oh you know.

00:22:19.915 --> 00:22:20.217
I didn't know.

00:22:20.217 --> 00:22:21.119
I was excited.

00:22:21.119 --> 00:22:24.439
You came in there smelling like hard work anyways.

00:22:24.519 --> 00:22:24.799
Okay.

00:22:24.799 --> 00:22:28.067
So now let's let's dive into something else.

00:22:28.067 --> 00:22:33.703
Okay, so these are questions early on to ask when you're dating, so we're not going to necessarily talk about them because we're going to.

00:22:33.703 --> 00:22:39.127
I want to make sure that we get to this question that I think is very interesting.

00:22:39.127 --> 00:22:43.806
So the first question is do you save or spend money?

00:22:43.806 --> 00:22:50.367
That's something that's very key when you're talking to the other person, Because are you the saver or are you the spender?

00:22:50.367 --> 00:22:52.259
Are we both the spender?

00:22:52.700 --> 00:22:56.881
That's true, everybody ready to make it rain.

00:22:56.881 --> 00:23:04.441
But to that point I just wanted to say saver or spender also, not just hearing somebody's words, but watching their actions.

00:23:04.500 --> 00:23:06.549
Correct Actions always speak louder than words.

00:23:06.555 --> 00:23:07.278
Again, they're representative.

00:23:07.278 --> 00:23:08.461
Everybody's going to give you the right answer.

00:23:08.521 --> 00:23:11.580
Of course I save so much I'm always saving.

00:23:11.580 --> 00:23:13.326
I'm always saving All right.

00:23:13.326 --> 00:23:16.743
Do you believe in splitting bills 50-50?

00:23:17.005 --> 00:23:17.747
Oh yeah, Just so you know.

00:23:18.236 --> 00:23:22.686
Or is one partner expected to contribute more?

00:23:22.914 --> 00:23:24.135
This is going to shake some things up.

00:23:24.135 --> 00:23:26.598
This right here might shut down a few dates.

00:23:26.598 --> 00:23:30.261
Just asking this question on a date with somebody might shut it down, but that's a good thing.

00:23:30.261 --> 00:23:35.867
If they're not the one, let's go ahead and get them out the way and don't waste your time.

00:23:36.509 --> 00:23:39.892
But I'm also not saying like these are not first date questions, right?

00:23:39.892 --> 00:23:45.346
Oh, okay, I'm sorry, these are not first date questions.

00:23:46.255 --> 00:23:48.161
The bill might be coming out, she might have her kids order on the menu.

00:23:48.161 --> 00:23:49.445
Might have to ask the question.

00:23:49.445 --> 00:23:50.528
Well then, that's the end.

00:23:50.528 --> 00:23:53.200
That would be the end you now know.

00:23:53.200 --> 00:23:54.742
Okay, this is one of my money.

00:23:54.864 --> 00:24:01.267
deal breakers right here you are adding in additional meals for your kids that I've never met.

00:24:01.267 --> 00:24:03.597
I'm just meeting you for the first time.

00:24:03.597 --> 00:24:04.799
Deal breaker done.

00:24:04.799 --> 00:24:08.326
But your actions spoke louder than your words.

00:24:08.346 --> 00:24:10.808
Your actions said, you're already a liability and not an asset.

00:24:10.929 --> 00:24:11.470
Okay Now.

00:24:11.470 --> 00:24:16.846
So do you believe in splitting the bills 50 50, or is one partner expected to contribute more?

00:24:16.846 --> 00:24:18.503
I think that's a very key question.

00:24:18.503 --> 00:24:27.537
I also highly recommend that you check out one of our previous episodes where we talk about pre marriage questions to ask Very good episode.

00:24:27.537 --> 00:24:27.977
We get, we dive deep.

00:24:27.977 --> 00:24:29.638
We talk about pre-marriage questions to ask Very good episode.

00:24:29.638 --> 00:24:30.118
We dive deep.

00:24:30.118 --> 00:24:31.701
We talk about you know, even religious beliefs.

00:24:32.221 --> 00:24:34.924
It's important and how do you believe in raising kids, so those type of things.

00:24:34.924 --> 00:24:40.590
Now, how do you feel about debt, student loans, credit cards?

00:24:40.891 --> 00:24:41.511
car notes.

00:24:41.511 --> 00:24:46.346
People might clear their throat when you say this.

00:24:46.346 --> 00:24:47.990
You start talking about the credit score and the debt.

00:24:47.990 --> 00:24:50.748
People gonna be at the table like wait so how many?

00:24:50.748 --> 00:24:52.630
Then you start asking the question wait you?

00:24:52.630 --> 00:24:57.023
You telling me you got debt, you got three hundred thousand dollars worth of debt and you didn't finish school.

00:24:57.023 --> 00:25:00.183
You went to undergrad, law school, ph.

00:25:00.183 --> 00:25:01.789
You didn't finish any of those programs.

00:25:01.809 --> 00:25:12.087
Come on, girl, we gotta talk about this well, interesting enough, right when we do talk quickly about student loans because, thankfully, right you being an athlete, you had your education paid for.

00:25:12.087 --> 00:25:14.837
Like such a blessing for me, I had to, literally.

00:25:14.837 --> 00:25:16.703
That's part of the reason why I was working in college.

00:25:16.703 --> 00:25:38.578
I'm paying for my education, but I do still have to take out some student loans because, for example, if you know in the hospitality space summers are treacherous, you have to not only work your behind off double the time, but you also are not making as much, especially here in Arizona because it's so hot people are getting out of the state.

00:25:39.005 --> 00:25:49.548
So I remember that was a conversation that we had, but it was a little bit later on, where I think we might have already been married or close to it, but we had the conversation about.

00:25:49.548 --> 00:25:52.856
I said, hey, this is where my you know student loans are.

00:25:52.856 --> 00:25:54.971
I just want you to be aware of it.

00:25:54.971 --> 00:26:02.778
I think this is something that is beneficial for both of us and with budgeting, we'll be able to pay it off.

00:26:02.778 --> 00:26:11.730
But I don't think it's fair that I hold on to this debt without you having the knowledge before we either jump into the situation and get married.

00:26:12.653 --> 00:26:19.417
I think we need to have a full conversation about this, at least to put everything on the table, because that's what you have to do before you get married.

00:26:19.417 --> 00:26:21.205
Like you have to put everything on the table.

00:26:21.205 --> 00:26:27.808
It's extremely hard, it's uncomfortable, it's weird, it's probably it's nothing, you know, nothing you've ever seen before.

00:26:27.808 --> 00:26:34.570
Uh, especially when it comes to, maybe, your parents if they weren't the ones that are transparent like that, then it's like this just feels so foreign.

00:26:34.570 --> 00:26:40.180
But that's what's going to end up saving you in the long run is being able to just let's put everything on the table.

00:26:40.180 --> 00:26:51.373
This is where we're at and I have literally seen, unfortunately, engagements kind of get cut off because it's like, hey, you're 50, 60, $70,000 in debt and I didn't sign up for this.

00:26:51.373 --> 00:26:57.381
I'm not going to come into a marriage and already have to be in debt, so it's a hard conversation.

00:26:57.845 --> 00:27:08.275
But no, but I appreciate you mentioning that because and I just always like to use us as an example I was a student athlete, did have a full ride Right, so I didn't have any debt from college which is a huge blessing.

00:27:08.785 --> 00:27:12.372
But, I was glad that you were transparent about that and that was something that we discussed.

00:27:12.372 --> 00:27:22.867
But also, fellas, I had an opportunity in that moment because, one, I was presented with the information, but, two, I was able to also see your level of work ethic and who you are.

00:27:22.867 --> 00:27:26.557
Because, let's be honest, right, I'm coming into that situation without any debt.

00:27:26.557 --> 00:27:37.467
So, if we are going to take this on, I'm not in a situation where I'm we're taking on this debt as a marriage together and you're also saying I don't want to work, I don't want to use my degree, I want to be a stay at home.

00:27:37.467 --> 00:27:39.452
I'll be like man, wait, hold on, we take it on this debt.

00:27:39.492 --> 00:27:45.817
And now you're telling me you don't want to necessarily use your degree or use what this debt is for to contribute.

00:27:45.817 --> 00:27:47.849
To me that would have been more of a challenge.

00:27:48.411 --> 00:27:59.132
That would have been something where it'd been like wait, I don't know.

00:27:59.132 --> 00:28:01.175
But there were people that I went to school Let me ponder on this but there were people that me and you both went to school with.

00:28:01.175 --> 00:28:01.933
I know ladies in particular.

00:28:01.933 --> 00:28:03.875
I had some classmates that were like yo, I'm getting this degree, but like I want to be a stay at home mom.

00:28:03.875 --> 00:28:08.666
So that is just a different conversation If you have student debt and they're like wait a minute, I thought we were going to be a two income household.

00:28:08.926 --> 00:28:10.630
Yes, all right.

00:28:10.630 --> 00:28:16.419
This is the question that may trigger some, but open up conversation for others.

00:28:23.385 --> 00:28:25.028
Would you date someone who earns significantly less than you?

00:28:25.028 --> 00:28:27.030
I'm going to already throw this out there that the fellas.

00:28:27.030 --> 00:28:31.897
I think this is a lot easier for the fellas and this is something I just saw go viral.

00:28:31.897 --> 00:28:33.960
I just saw this go viral, absolutely.

00:28:35.025 --> 00:28:36.744
And I feel like it almost gives you, because men are still seen as being the providers.

00:28:36.945 --> 00:28:38.105
And it almost gives you a little bit of pretty.

00:28:38.105 --> 00:28:42.869
It almost gives you a little bit of pretty woman, right, like the movie Pretty Woman, like people, always I can save her.

00:28:42.869 --> 00:28:45.176
Like, let me, she's got potential.

00:28:45.176 --> 00:28:59.693
Like I saw her on the side of the road but you dust her, not the side of the road, you could dust right off, she could be, she could be the one like a guy could literally see that.

00:28:59.775 --> 00:29:01.420
And there was a guy he just went viral for talking about this.

00:29:01.420 --> 00:29:10.330
He was like how many scenarios do you see a woman go to a fast food line and see a guy and she is worth 200 million dollars and she's like you know what, that fry, he, the way you dipping those fries.

00:29:10.330 --> 00:29:14.186
You got so much potential, let me go ahead and take you out of here and make you my husband.

00:29:14.186 --> 00:29:28.939
But someone just said Anthony Davis and again it's not a, they said he, again to three hundred, three hundred million dollars in his bank account and I think he just either got engaged or married to someone that I think was working as a server at a restaurant.

00:29:28.939 --> 00:29:32.814
Right, so very different paths and incomes, right, but I think for guys it's a different approach.

00:29:32.814 --> 00:29:36.372
I think ladies, I don't think they're going for it as often.

00:29:37.213 --> 00:29:38.938
Significantly less.

00:29:38.938 --> 00:29:44.268
So what's significant?

00:29:44.268 --> 00:29:46.361
So here's the thing In my opinion, there are a lot of factors that are not being talked about, I agree.

00:29:46.361 --> 00:29:49.957
So number one is he in school Potential, but potential will get you beat.

00:29:49.998 --> 00:29:50.740
It will get you beat.

00:29:50.740 --> 00:29:52.488
I had a coach tell me that I know you did so.

00:29:52.488 --> 00:29:53.671
Potential will get you beat.

00:29:54.093 --> 00:30:15.396
So here's what I've been seeing, because now that we're seeing a shift now that we're seeing a shift sorry, was trying to get in on the conversation there's been a shift now with more women not only making more money than their husbands, but also making significantly more than their husbands.

00:30:15.396 --> 00:30:28.384
If he is in a position where he's, when you met he was motivated and now he's not as motivated because you're the one that's making most of the money and it's like I can kind of chill, relax.

00:30:28.424 --> 00:30:30.554
I'll be sitting back like these, you know what I'm saying.

00:30:30.986 --> 00:30:34.911
I'm looking at my fantasy football team, right what am I Feet up, feet up, kicking it.

00:30:34.911 --> 00:30:41.420
That's very different, because, again, what we're then going to start seeing is there's going to be a lack of respect.

00:30:41.819 --> 00:30:42.461
We do see that.

00:30:42.984 --> 00:30:47.914
And we have literally seen and heard that there's been.

00:30:47.914 --> 00:30:50.479
You know, people are talking about you, broke.

00:30:51.568 --> 00:30:52.473
You don't have the money.

00:30:52.625 --> 00:30:54.467
You don't have any, say, because you don't have the money.

00:30:54.467 --> 00:31:01.615
So there can be the respect factor that is shifted, which for men that's one of the main things that men are looking for is respect.

00:31:02.738 --> 00:31:03.519
R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

00:31:04.019 --> 00:31:04.579
Correct.

00:31:04.579 --> 00:31:05.540
So there's that right.

00:31:05.540 --> 00:31:12.469
So, number one, are you trying to better yourself, and you're just in a limbo phase right now, like are you trying to get your certification.

00:31:12.489 --> 00:31:13.269
Are you in med school?

00:31:13.269 --> 00:31:14.271
It's going to take six years.

00:31:14.352 --> 00:31:18.980
Correct right, and I have to kind of carry you until you get your pop.

00:31:20.125 --> 00:31:20.647
Are you rapping?

00:31:20.647 --> 00:31:21.712
But your album hasn't hit yet.

00:31:21.765 --> 00:31:22.951
That's something very different.

00:31:22.951 --> 00:31:28.932
But if you do see somebody, that is, you start something and then you quit.

00:31:28.932 --> 00:31:30.263
You start something and you quit.

00:31:30.263 --> 00:31:32.628
In my opinion, that's very different.

00:31:32.709 --> 00:31:33.391
Red flag.

00:31:33.451 --> 00:31:45.814
It's a red flag to me because I'm making significantly more, but I'm carrying you, yeah, as opposed to I'm carrying you for a time period until you can carry yourself and then contribute to what we have going on.

00:31:45.814 --> 00:31:52.915
And also, where are you age-wise If you're in your 20s, honey?

00:31:52.915 --> 00:31:53.904
We're all trying to figure it out.

00:31:53.984 --> 00:31:54.769
You can't be in your 40s.

00:31:54.769 --> 00:31:55.817
Come on, I'm 45.

00:31:55.817 --> 00:31:56.461
I'm starting over.

00:31:56.461 --> 00:31:57.105
That's what I'm saying.

00:31:57.105 --> 00:32:00.981
I've been thinking about being a pilot.

00:32:00.981 --> 00:32:02.750
It ain't ever too late, it's never too late to start over.

00:32:03.011 --> 00:32:04.118
Right, it's never too late to get your education.

00:32:04.138 --> 00:32:05.244
But is this number 10 on the trial?

00:32:09.887 --> 00:32:15.391
Yes, on the trial and trying to figure it out to you being able to make more money, correct.

00:32:15.391 --> 00:32:20.314
So I do think that there's a lot of factors that contribute to this question.

00:32:20.314 --> 00:32:23.516
And then also, right, what is considered significantly less?

00:32:23.516 --> 00:32:27.398
Am I making, you know, $150, $200 and you're making $30?

00:32:27.398 --> 00:32:31.161
Well, hey, that $30 can be vacation fund, that can be.

00:32:31.161 --> 00:32:36.366
You know, we're just using that for our date nights and this and that, right, it just depends, I feel like, in my opinion.

00:32:36.366 --> 00:32:38.809
And then also, let's get to personality.

00:32:38.809 --> 00:32:44.717
If you're also a woman who's like, hey, listen, I'm cool being the breadwinner, but I need you home, I need you taking care of these kids.

00:32:44.717 --> 00:32:50.923
When I get home, I want a home-cooked meal, right, where those roles are reversed Societal roles, I should say, are reversed.

00:32:50.923 --> 00:32:52.865
Okay with that, then go for it.

00:32:52.865 --> 00:32:53.665
That's on you.

00:32:53.665 --> 00:33:05.657
I think it's very much about what is each person looking for and what is the potential and will that be something that, long term, is going to be?

00:33:05.657 --> 00:33:08.059
It's a long-term play as opposed to this.

00:33:08.119 --> 00:33:17.314
It's just never going to happen and I'm going to always be significantly making more than you 100 and I think I and I love what you said here because there's also some women that are the like you said, the breadwinner.

00:33:17.314 --> 00:33:26.195
But I think personality makes personality how you treat your partner plays a really big role because, you know, it kind of reminds me of in a marriage.

00:33:26.195 --> 00:33:32.207
It's almost like sport how do you act when you win or when you're on top, versus when you lose, or maybe you didn't have your best month.

00:33:32.207 --> 00:33:36.798
So if you are the partner, that's now, let let's just say there's a flip right IE.

00:33:36.798 --> 00:33:41.826
It's a scenario where maybe it's an athlete or the breadwinner someone gets a promotion, now they're making more money.

00:33:41.826 --> 00:33:45.214
Do you change up and kind of abuse that power?

00:33:45.316 --> 00:33:45.576
Right.

00:33:45.635 --> 00:33:49.388
Because now you're in control and you feel like I've been waiting on this, the entire relationship.

00:33:49.388 --> 00:33:52.353
I'm going to clinch a hold of this and never let it go Right.

00:33:52.353 --> 00:34:04.169
Or is it like, hey, even if I am making more right now, in this season and in this window, but yet I'm just happy about the fact that we have our connection, our love, our relationship.

00:34:04.169 --> 00:34:17.275
We're still building something together, because you also have partners that are doing careers or roles, like if you know that your spouse is a teacher, right, like teachers aren't making you know maybe they want to be a principal.

00:34:18.346 --> 00:34:19.672
They have a tremendous impact.

00:34:19.672 --> 00:34:20.809
They're passionate about you.

00:34:20.809 --> 00:34:22.972
Yes, they're giving their all to their work.

00:34:22.972 --> 00:34:33.215
Or maybe they work in a nonprofit sector, right, like you may only make $30,000 or $35,000, but you're doing such important work that fills up like your passion tank every day.

00:34:33.215 --> 00:34:46.465
Then, boom, we're going to factor that in and say like, all right, I know I'm doing this work that maybe pays more, but like she's doing super important work, but I'm factoring that in and we're okay with that and splitting the responsibilities, or whatever the case may be.

00:34:46.465 --> 00:34:49.853
But you're not saying, oh, I'm making this, they're making that.

00:34:49.853 --> 00:34:54.909
We got separate accounts, I live off of this, she lives off of that, or he lives off of that or he lives off of that.

00:34:54.909 --> 00:34:59.217
Then that wouldn't be fair and that's probably going to lead to resentment in a relationship.

00:34:59.539 --> 00:35:00.766
Absolutely so.

00:35:00.766 --> 00:35:04.452
When we talk about marriage, it's very important to talk about spending styles.

00:35:04.452 --> 00:35:07.092
Talk about your debt.

00:35:07.092 --> 00:35:09.592
Be transparent when you're talking about it.

00:35:09.592 --> 00:35:12.293
Are there family financial obligations?00:35:12.293 --> 00:35:13.708


That's something we haven't touched upon.00:35:14.010 --> 00:35:15.474


Funeral happens, do we got to take care of?00:35:15.554 --> 00:35:16.476


everything Funeral happens.00:35:16.476 --> 00:35:17.217


Do we got to take care of?00:35:17.217 --> 00:35:31.088


Funeral happens, but also we're also at the age in our mid thirties, where you have to take care of possibly your parents or your grandparents, and that's something that most people don't think of and then, when that happens, it's not only a financial burden, but it's also an emotional, spiritual, mental, it's physical burden as well.00:35:31.088 --> 00:35:32.811


Um, in the sense of what I?00:35:32.811 --> 00:35:33.291


When I?00:35:33.291 --> 00:35:39.860


What I mean by burden is just, it's something that is in addition to what you already have going on.00:35:40.425 --> 00:35:48.380


And, yes, in some cases being a caretaker is a burden, which is why there are caretaker tools and resources for you to be able to tap into.00:35:48.380 --> 00:35:53.675


But then also are you marrying somebody who possibly has kids from a previous relationship.00:35:53.715 --> 00:35:54.275


You're taking that on.00:35:54.536 --> 00:35:57.490


And you're taking that on, and now you have to also be financially responsible for that.00:35:57.530 --> 00:35:58.293


Daycare is expensive.00:35:58.675 --> 00:35:59.945


Hey, now so.00:35:59.945 --> 00:36:04.371


And then when one partner also wants to upgrade, do we want to upgrade on a house?00:36:04.371 --> 00:36:05.275


Do we want to upgrade on a car?00:36:05.275 --> 00:36:05.943


Do we want to upgrade ourselves?00:36:06.005 --> 00:36:07.570


Come home with some new wheels.00:36:08.251 --> 00:36:11.686


Yes, right, are you talking about that?00:36:11.686 --> 00:36:12.507


Are you setting a budget?00:36:12.507 --> 00:36:13.027


Are you setting a budget?00:36:13.027 --> 00:36:18.210


Is it something that you're even able to do, or is this a five-year, ten-year play that you're going to have to now look into?00:36:18.210 --> 00:36:18.791


Do?00:36:18.811 --> 00:36:21.534


you have Mercedes Benz taste with Hyundai funds.00:36:21.534 --> 00:36:23.896


Sometimes you've got to humble yourself.00:36:24.115 --> 00:36:29.699


Okay, so here is a challenge that we want to give to you For couples.00:36:29.699 --> 00:36:32.422


We want to challenge you to have a weekly money date.00:36:32.422 --> 00:36:40.208


Take yourself out of your house.00:36:40.208 --> 00:36:57.757


That's something that we just found being a little bit more not as maybe, I don't know, walls are closing in, I don't know but go out right and and treat yourself to you know a coffee, a pastry, a light appetizer happy hour right, go for a walk it doesn't always have to cost money but have a weekly money date where you're not put.00:36:57.836 --> 00:37:06.585


You're talking about your finances, you're talking about where you are, where you want to go, how do you want to invest, um, and then you know, just keeping that going as a challenge.00:37:06.585 --> 00:37:12.000


Second, if you are single, create your financial dating profile.00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:24.021


So three money values that you hold near and dear to your heart, as well as three money red flags ie, these are my three money deal breakers.00:37:24.081 --> 00:37:28.634


And make sure you're not one of your red flags, because I've been seeing that People be their own red flag.00:37:28.634 --> 00:37:30.246


You're right, I don't want someone that's broken.00:37:30.246 --> 00:37:30.807


They're broke.00:37:30.987 --> 00:37:36.197


It's like wait hold on, hold on, but you want somebody to come save you Come on Don't save her.00:37:37.306 --> 00:37:38.364


She don't want to be saved, she wants to be saved.00:37:39.346 --> 00:37:42.092


She wants to be saved, perfect, anything else.00:37:43.434 --> 00:37:44.538


Make sure you subscribe.00:37:44.538 --> 00:37:46.532


I mean, this is definitely gems.00:37:46.532 --> 00:37:47.697


More marriage tips to come.00:37:47.697 --> 00:37:49.628


Yes, but this is also.00:37:49.628 --> 00:37:55.034


This episode is being brought to you by Backlot Studios, Arizona's number one hub for podcasts.00:37:55.034 --> 00:37:58.809


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Bye.