Episode 43: How to Argue Without Destroying Your Relationship

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Hey, cupply Fit fam.

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Welcome back to another episode.

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We are so excited today.

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I know most of the time you've been hearing us talk about how we get through disagreements.

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But what do we actually disagree on and how have we got past through it?

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And how do we just keep?

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going.

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This is gonna be a great episode and I feel like you know people always want to know like y'all always look so happy, like what do y'all when y'all do argue?

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What is it about?

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What is it about?

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Before we dive in, we want to make sure that you like and subscribe.

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If you are watching us on YouTube, if you are on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, please subscribe and then follow us on Instagram at Cupply Fit C-O-u-p-l-e-y-f-i-t.

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Let's get into it all, right?

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So what we argue about and what we've learned.

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So we've had, um, a couple of disagreements, especially when we first started dating, and you know, if we really take it back, that's that's honestly where we learned the most, though for sure, I had one.

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I had one scenario that immediately popped into my head what?

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Oh my gosh.

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This takes me back to our club days okay, we're out of the club.

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We're in scottsdale.

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I remember being worried but were we?

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were we engaged at the time or we weren't engaged?

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oh, we might not have been engaged.

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I'm not sure we could have been.

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We could have been engaged.

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I don'm not sure.

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We could have been we could have been engaged.

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I don't know.

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It's you know for those listening we're coming up on, is it nine years?

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Yes, nine years.

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We first met in the club, yeah, so we met in the club but we were dating.

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We weren't married yet this is pre-marriage but we're out in the club, yes, we and I think somebody I knew like and this is more of like an associate somebody I knew, not like a friend or something like that, right, but like was coming up and saying something to you in a club or something like that yeah, and ultimately the disagreement wasn't even really our like.

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That was one of my big takeaways.

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Because they also.

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They were like trying to get my attention.

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Correct.

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So they're trying to get your attention.

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Taps the Tapping, you all of the extras and you're you specifically did not say anything to me because you knew like I'm not going to tell you this because I already know how you're going to react, yeah, if I tell you in here in a moment and one of your friends saw and I remember the look on his face.

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he said, like are you gonna say anything?

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And I remember saying specifically to him do not not tell Kurt, don't tell him, at least in this environment.

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Correct, so there we go.

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So you said so that right there.

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The do not tell Kurt.

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In this environment, correct.

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So I think that's the key piece was in this environment, because you're right, in that environment that would not have been the best situation.

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That could have been chaotic.

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But to say the least, but when I go back to the.

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But when I go back to that moment, I remember being so upset because I felt like I couldn't address the situation in the situation in the moment.

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But what?

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What it really was a takeaway for for me was two things can be true, right, Right, you were right in how you handled it and I was right to be upset, but I was upset at the wrong person, correct, I was upset at you for not telling me in the moment.

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So I can handle it, but you're already realizing, Because you almost felt like a little did you feel like?

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No, I felt like somebody was trying me.

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Just to be honest, and for those that are listening, somebody knows when you feel tried, try me if you want to try Jesus not me, not me, but just so that's how I felt was like wait, what just happened, and like I didn't know about it.

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So you know, and just naturally like that protector and you also feels like wait, what happened in there and like you know.

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So that was definitely a triggering moment.

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But that was one of the commonality in that situation.

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And then a lot of our arguments was that it wasn't always like a me and you thing.

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A lot of times it was an outside factor.

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It was something else, it was somebody else.

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It was like you know what I mean.

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It was a situation, not necessarily that like we were having a disagreement right, which I thought is an interesting call out.

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I don't know if anybody else that's listening can resonate with that but, like sometimes, it's identifying what's the root cause of why we're upset, what's the root cause of why we're disagreeing or why we're maybe arguing.

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Yes, and so just a little bit of my version of this.

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So, first off, we were dating enough that it was not only serious, but we were either engaged and like newly engaged, or we were about to, and so there were a couple of things that came from this situation.

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Number one, where you were in your journey of self-growth- I was different you were a different person back then.

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It was giving a lot of Detroit.

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My fuse might have been a little bit shorter, a lot of Detroit, and so I already knew.

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But we have to really take it a step further too, because this person you already had an altercation, and I don't know if that's really the right word.

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It could have turned into an altercation because of some things that have transpired, maybe even a few months before that.

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So when this happened, and it was the same person.

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This is a part two.

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That is a good call out.

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I know, this was a second incident and I saw your reaction to the first time.

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The first I said wait a minute.

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The first incident.

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Yeah, you're right.

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Yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah, you know so, so I already knew what your reaction was during.

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And that was just a pair of sneakers, yeah, so if we're talking about I just want to say, I just want to say for those listening, there's somebody listening right now, that comes from the era or just believes in the same thing.

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Sometimes those listening there's somebody listening right now that comes from the era or just believes in the same thing.

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Sometimes it's about the principle I listen, I'm, I'm 100% behind that.

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I believe in that as well, and and where God had to work on me, and that's what I'm saying.

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God had, god needed to work on you, and I knew that he had to work on me.

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I needed more grace.

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Yes.

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I need a little bit more.

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I needed at the time more empathy, a little bit more compassion.

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Yes A little bit more, let it go.

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Yes, let it roll off your back Exactly.

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At the time I was not letting it roll.

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Oh no.

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And then I believe even before the incident happened in the club I don't know if you saw him before, but I remember you saying something to me like yo so-and-so's in the club and you know I said, oh boy, so it already there was that then the fact that he was, you know, trying to get my attention in those things, and I, just my and somebody trying to get get your ladies attention behind your back.

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Come on, man that.

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Just that's what really happens.

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A lot, that's what really gets or really happens?

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a lot.

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That's what really got me upset.

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It was just like you you're waiting until I turn my back or you're waiting until I'm not looking to try to get your attention.

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But again, I appreciate you, knowing your personnel.

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Oh, I do.

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Because there are some partners or some wives out there that are like oh, I want to.

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Set it off.

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I want to see Set it off.

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To be honest, you see it on TV a lot, right, or reality TV.

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It's like I want to see if my partner is going to protect me.

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You see the, you see the right now.

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You see the viral things of like people are trying to see what, like, their pet will do.

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Like, what does my dog do If someone's coming in?

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It's like a break in and sometimes the dog runs, but people want to see that.

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Or their partner are like Ooh, is he going to defend me?

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So, hopefully and I appreciate that you you did not want to see how does this play out, but it was just one of those things where I was so fresh and again frustrated in the moment upset that like this was happening behind my back in the club of like, but again, you were being mindful of the scenario, the environment, right, and it's also a good lesson too, of just like why we don't go to the club Like I can't take the last time we've been in the club.

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And that was the thing is.

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We realized after that and then I think there was one more thing that happened in the club too that we were like, okay, first off, we're too serious.

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And by the past couple of times you were at the club, we were engaged.

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So it was just like why are we in here?

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For what?

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To be hanging out with our friends that we can hang out with at game night outside of this, we don't need to be in the club anymore.

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So that was a disagreement that we did have, but the resolution was well, we're just not going to put ourselves in that situation anymore.

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Correct and for a lot of people I would say that might be easier said than done.

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I know for us it wasn't a hard pivot or adjustment and I feel like for somebody it might be that phase element of like, because some people still feel like I'm really you know, we see it all the time people like I'm really trying to be out there, like I want to still be.

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I'm trying to be outside.

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I want to be in the action but you, that's the thing is, you can be.

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The action just looks different, right, it's.

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Let's hang out, you know, at a pool, right, and let's karaoke night.

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It's just different, vibes it's different.

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And it's especially different too if you are a married couple going into that type of vibe because or even engage it's.

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You know it's a little worldly in there.

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You know you have to be mindful of, like, what are we doing at the club?

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What's the point of the club?

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Yes, music, dance, right, those things.

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But then also, what are people doing in the club?

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You're trying to find your scouting, right, who can I find People?

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And people are in there, choosing the people in there, getting chose.

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Okay, he is her.

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So, um, that was definitely one disagreement.

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That was one of our biggest ones.

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Another one was um, it was early on, but remember it was over social media and it was over snapchat specifically because snapchat, you know that whole song with the snapchat me, you know.

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Yeah, for sure so that was another just disagreement of like we had to learn, okay, what's appropriate on social media for us being a couple engaged and then ultimately married, like what's appropriate.

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And then also, how are we going to go about being honest but transparent with what is going on on social media as well?

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And so that was another disagreement we had, and it was over Snapchat specifically, because we both just had incidents where it was just like this is random and weird and I don't even know how this happened.

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And for those that don't like have a shared account with your partner or don't run a business, but those that do right, Like you do have to filter through, just like spam and emails, right, it's like you just have to like, wait a minute, what like?

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What is going on here?

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But it's having that, that, that grace and understanding of like, okay, what are the guardrails or the things to be able to prepare you for, like you know, things that maybe you don't expect.

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Right and I, so that allowed us.

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After that disagreement with social media, we were said, okay, like we need to talk to each other and figure out what do you feel is appropriate that I can do, and then what do I feel like is appropriate for you, for you, right, and something that we we've, we saw, was, you know, we saw a couple of husband and wife teams or the husband's liking all of these women's photos and it's they're in positions and not that much clothing and all of these things and it's like dang, that makes your wife look a little.

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that doesn't look good well, I'll tell you what it goes both ways right, you know, if you know if your wife, if your wife is liking all the magic mic and this was not my situation.

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But if they liking all the magic mic posts and all of the stuff, you're like you're right.

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What and what and the chippendales is going on in here, so like no, but that's, that's a good call out of like how do y'all operate when it comes to that right?

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Are you liking those types of things?

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Are we being mindful of that on social media?

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Because it's?

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commenting hard eyes under women's photos or men's photos like what I mean it is surprising, it is disrespectful it's disrespectful yeah, we never had those arguments.

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But there are people that are dealing with that in a social media era where some people feel like, oh, it's just social media, but it's like no, no, no no no, no, no, no, with the way that you know, there's a whole song going down in the DMs, like there.

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So we have to not the.

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The social media has turned into a meeting hub, a hookup hub, like whatever you want to call it.

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That's what social media has turned, turned into in some ways.

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But just quickly going back, um, I know even something for us on the DM side.

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We would show each other DMs of like yo look at what this person said or is doing, or whatever.

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Right, and at least just being transparent in that sense of hey, this is a random DM, don't even know who this person is, or I do know who this person is.

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Let me just show you so you know what's going on, because you don't want to ever be put into a situation where you're caught off guard or you, you're, you're now out in the club, right, and it's like hold on, y'all have some.

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There's some chemistry going on here.

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What's going on?

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Meanwhile, it's been going down in the dms the whole time and you don't even know.

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So you don't want to ever be caught flat-footed, or just you know you made to look foolish, right no, it's facts.

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I mean, you know, but social the the game has changed so much and I'm glad that we were pre-kind of not totally pre-social media era but like people now don't even exchange their phone numbers.

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No, it's like hey, let me get your handle.

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Give me your handle.

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I would have been so offended if, when I met you, you would have been like here's my handle.

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I would have been offended, like what?

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Like.

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You have a handle, but you also have a phone.

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And it's so funny.

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You say that because I was talking to my little sister, who she's in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program and she's 14.

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And we were talking about that, I said I said, you know, back in my day, right back in my day, I said you had to give out your phone number because there was like IG and those IG Snapchat.

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Those were just coming out or were relatively new, and so it wasn't like, oh, drop your handle.

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She said I couldn't even imagine that Now you have access to me, you have my phone number.

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Oh, my gosh, no way.

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And I just laughed at it.

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I thought it was so funny.

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Well, we, we got to take it back one step further for her, to when we really were Middle school.

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High school.

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You wouldn't exchange phone number with somebody.

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You're giving them the house phone number.

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You are.

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Like actually can you Hello?

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Or.

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MySpace Is Deanna there.

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MySpace.

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Listen, is Deanna there?

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Can I talk to her?

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And the crazy part is, people do not call my house.

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Don't call, don't call.

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I wasn't really on.

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I was a late MySpace boomer.

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I wasn't really on a MySpace like that.

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I was late to most of it Just because, again, I need to peep and see what's going on.

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I don't really.

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Yeah, I feel like I was.

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I feel like I was so focused, I was trying to play sports and stuff, like people had the music, the updates.

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I went in to try to like update the music, the glittery backgrounds were lit.

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Top eight.

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I was.

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I don't really have.

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I feel like fantasy football now, Like I don't know if I got the bandwidth for it.

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You know, somebody got to pre-populate this.

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Yes, yes, and then some other disagreements that we had.

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Food.

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Food.

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Yeah, I mean.

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What do you mean?

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You're gluten-free.

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I mean sometimes, and I don't even want to call it like necessarily a disagreement.

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Yeah, I wouldn't say they their disagreements.

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It's just we have to figure out where we can both eat, however that was.

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However it was, it changed for you because when we first met, I either just found out I was gluten-free or or I it was really in that realm, because I remember I was in denial for two years.

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Come on, I can eat this in and out.

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What do you mean?

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I?

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don't want to take the bun off and then it's like honey take the bun off right.

00:15:05.586 --> 00:15:12.926
But also, you know, and sometimes it's not even necessarily like an argument, but sometimes it's something you got to just work through, right, because you're like man, what are we going to eat?

00:15:12.926 --> 00:15:17.149
And sometimes it's easier Like, okay, you want pizza, I want pizza, babe, let's get pizza.

00:15:17.149 --> 00:15:22.282
Or like, oh, you want a sandwich, do they have gluten-free bread?

00:15:22.322 --> 00:15:22.682
Do they?

00:15:22.802 --> 00:15:23.142
Are they?

00:15:23.142 --> 00:15:24.543
Is it gluten friendly?

00:15:24.543 --> 00:15:26.464
Yeah, Are they using gloves to change?

00:15:26.464 --> 00:15:27.063
These are questions.

00:15:27.063 --> 00:15:31.726
I didn't even know what all was in gluten and I'm like, oh man, oh, we can't eat there.

00:15:31.726 --> 00:15:35.149
Oh, it's separate delivery fees to go to two separate places.

00:15:35.149 --> 00:15:37.190
And then it's like that question of what do we want to eat?

00:15:37.190 --> 00:15:45.634
And then I feel just to you know, there's some guilt in there of like well, I can eat anything, Like I can just go right up the way and grab something, and you're like, oh, you can have that.

00:15:46.836 --> 00:15:48.777
That's great, that's great, that's nice.

00:15:48.777 --> 00:15:49.256
You can eat there.

00:15:49.256 --> 00:15:50.118
I'm still hungry, exactly.

00:15:55.340 --> 00:16:00.456
So it may not be an argument, but it is an underlying you know for all the fellows out there, if your wife is going hungry, just know you've got to feed her Quick, quick.

00:16:00.779 --> 00:16:03.789
Feed me Quick, because that hangry.

00:16:04.940 --> 00:16:05.260
Halt.

00:16:05.260 --> 00:16:08.529
Are you hungry, angry, lonely or?

00:16:08.629 --> 00:16:09.272
tired.

00:16:09.272 --> 00:16:12.221
Yes, yes, I would say.

00:16:12.221 --> 00:16:16.549
Another disagreement too that we had was a little bit around house chores.

00:16:16.549 --> 00:16:25.505
I guess Early on I'm talking early on you know we were living, we had our house at the time.

00:16:25.505 --> 00:16:31.791
You know it's taking me half a day just to clean this entire house and do the dishes.

00:16:31.791 --> 00:16:33.418
I meal prepping, I'm doing everything.

00:16:33.418 --> 00:16:34.903
And you're over there just playing Madden.

00:16:34.903 --> 00:16:37.509
I'm like, okay, that's cool, are you going to help?

00:16:37.509 --> 00:16:41.583
No, okay, but also, that wasn't your conditioning and exposure.

00:16:41.583 --> 00:16:42.966
You didn't see that.

00:16:42.966 --> 00:16:48.188
So therefore you, you wouldn't just get up to help.

00:16:48.188 --> 00:16:50.700
But now it's a very different story.

00:16:50.700 --> 00:16:53.746
Like even before he came, you helped me unload the dishwasher.

00:16:53.746 --> 00:17:07.010
You loaded the dishwasher today, um, you know, and just helping with laundry, right, those things, putting it in the, in the washing machine, the dryer, all fold, uh, but it definitely was not like that in the beginning, for sure.

00:17:07.332 --> 00:17:11.407
This is what marriage looked like All the things domesticated.

00:17:11.407 --> 00:17:14.167
But I feel like it does make a difference.

00:17:14.240 --> 00:17:19.267
I feel like it's been an evolving I mean, is it domesticated or is it just teamwork, Like we both live in this house?

00:17:19.359 --> 00:17:21.808
That's crazy that you don't want to contribute.

00:17:22.020 --> 00:17:25.847
You only want to contribute in the ways you want to contribute, but the household has to run.

00:17:25.847 --> 00:17:28.309
So I contribute in the ways you want to contribute, but we the how the household has to run.

00:17:28.309 --> 00:17:44.750
So I I agree, I will say it was a, it was an evolving in a good way, right, because I think, without a doubt, early on that that was, like you said, conditioning exposure it was 100 percent right, yeah but also mine too like fold no clothes, do no laundry not really like.

00:17:44.790 --> 00:17:48.567
No no, so just was, that was the norm, um, um.

00:17:48.567 --> 00:18:23.844
But to then look at it from the aspect of, there's not something that's stopping me from being able to help with those things and I'm, you know, again doing something on TV, watching a show or YouTube or whatever, before you notice, like man, those dishes, those clothes, that whatever that might have been something that could have been a barrier is done, but also seeing just the weight that that takes off and then, learning more about the five love languages and the acts of service and kind of connecting the dots because knowledge is power, right, and so when, when a husband is listening, it's like well, five love languages.

00:18:23.943 --> 00:18:25.730
My wife says acts of service, like what does that mean?

00:18:25.730 --> 00:18:43.991
Well, man, it could be dumping the garbage, unloading the dishwasher on act sir, emphasis on service action emphasis on service right, but it's like how it's a verb, right it's action where how can you really help and take some of the the load off?

00:18:44.031 --> 00:18:46.324
and then you know, like you said, you're thinking of it from.

00:18:46.324 --> 00:18:52.009
You know you mentioned, you mentioned playing Madden but from a team approach, right, you don't want to feel like you're the offensive coordinator and the defensive coordinator.

00:18:52.009 --> 00:18:56.648
You're washing and drying when it comes to the dishes, I'm folding and doing the laundry, right.

00:18:56.648 --> 00:18:59.549
So it's like, okay, how do we tag team and do it together?

00:18:59.549 --> 00:19:01.748
Or, if you have a family, how do we get everybody involved?

00:19:01.748 --> 00:19:13.983
Because is folding and doing some, some chores, and I was two, three years old, I said, whoa, I can't wait, they're gonna be hands-on in here, folding washing, you cooking, you cleaning, me doing all the things cutting.

00:19:14.003 --> 00:19:16.869
A little avocado, yeah, a little apple come on now, what?

00:19:17.691 --> 00:19:20.201
um, so yeah, so that was something that we did have to learn.

00:19:20.201 --> 00:19:31.222
But even to what you were saying about, uh, conditioning exposure on your end from a male side, my conditioning exposure from a female side, that's what I saw my mom do.

00:19:31.222 --> 00:19:43.695
She's working full time, she's coming home, she's taking care of us, taking me, you know, taking us to volleyball, taking my brother to football, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, doing everything, and so I just I can do everything.

00:19:43.695 --> 00:19:44.881
Right, I can be super woman.

00:19:44.881 --> 00:19:49.449
But then you realize it's like, well, just because I can be, it doesn't mean that I need to do it.

00:19:49.449 --> 00:19:52.013
So therefore, can you help me?

00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:56.570
And I think a lot of it too, was I vocalized to you and I said, hey, I need help.

00:19:56.570 --> 00:20:06.250
I mean I can do it, but I don't want to be stressed all the time and I don't want to be this tired all the time because I'm, because the things that we can split down the middle.

00:20:06.250 --> 00:20:07.912
That was number one.

00:20:07.912 --> 00:20:11.316
And then number two was you saw how hard I was working.

00:20:11.316 --> 00:20:13.383
You saw like, oh, it's looking real clean in here.

00:20:13.383 --> 00:20:22.404
It smells like Lysol, it's smelling like, you know, you really, you really you put some elbow grease into it and it's like, yeah, but that was half my day, it's four or five hours just to clean this house.

00:20:22.404 --> 00:20:24.648
Like what could I have done with that four to five hours?

00:20:24.648 --> 00:20:32.203
And so I just appreciate you being receptive to me vocalizing and then again action taking.

00:20:32.203 --> 00:20:33.164
Action on that too.

00:20:33.807 --> 00:20:34.567
Yeah, no, for sure.

00:20:34.567 --> 00:20:35.288
And then also.

00:20:35.769 --> 00:20:36.290
But it takes time.

00:20:36.290 --> 00:20:37.692
That's what I was going to say.

00:20:37.692 --> 00:20:38.855
It takes time, it takes time.

00:20:39.039 --> 00:20:50.713
And we now have days and things that we plan out where it's like hey, these are four hours on Saturday that we're going to clean and we got the music going and we're literally you're turning it into an activity together and you can reward yourself.

00:20:50.713 --> 00:20:51.714
Hey, we're going to go out after this.

00:20:51.714 --> 00:20:55.057
Hey, we're going to go and grab a bite, do a date night or whatever after this.

00:20:55.057 --> 00:21:07.671
And and factoring that in which I think is a game changer, a lot of times it ends up being a situation where you feel like, man, if I'm going to help out on these dishes or on these chores or whatever, man, we're throwing them out now and we're doing.

00:21:07.671 --> 00:21:13.739
We're not no, like, you can still get a game, man, still enjoy whatever but, it's just balance.

00:21:13.980 --> 00:21:18.096
Right, it's compromise, it's balance and realizing that there can be space for both.

00:21:18.096 --> 00:21:19.402
But it's like anything, right, it's like work.

00:21:19.402 --> 00:21:20.183
Do we get?

00:21:20.183 --> 00:21:26.111
We get the must do's done so that we can do the want to do's or the things that are on our like wish list after that.

00:21:27.055 --> 00:21:30.704
And then, I think, disagreements a little bit more in the present.

00:21:30.704 --> 00:21:42.921
For us, it's mostly just we're usually on, we're on the same page typically about everything, which is a blessing, because that doesn't happen for a lot of people.

00:21:42.921 --> 00:21:52.844
We're typically on the same page, but sometimes we might have a different viewpoint or a way of doing it, and then it's just a little bit of like trying to figure out okay, what's your way of doing it?

00:21:52.844 --> 00:21:55.651
This is what I'm thinking, how can we meet in the middle?

00:21:55.651 --> 00:22:12.329
Or if there is a miscommunication, which can happen sometimes, it's okay, well, what did you hear or what were your thoughts, and then I'll tell you what I meant or where I could have maybe clarified in the future, so that it's not something that turns into a disagreement.

00:22:12.839 --> 00:22:16.893
Yeah, no, it's a constant evolving in the communication cycle.

00:22:16.893 --> 00:22:20.510
Right Of like, how do we continue to talk about these different elements?

00:22:20.510 --> 00:22:21.984
How can I support you?

00:22:21.984 --> 00:22:27.209
I feel like we've done a great job of continuing to ask the questions of like.

00:22:27.209 --> 00:22:28.109
All right, how can I help you?

00:22:28.109 --> 00:22:29.152
Like, how are things going?

00:22:29.152 --> 00:22:29.752
What are some of the?

00:22:29.752 --> 00:22:40.545
You know again, roses and thorns, but if a thorn is like man, these chores, these dishes, these like these things, or just they just keep piling up.

00:22:40.565 --> 00:22:41.767
That's a sign, especially dishes.

00:22:41.767 --> 00:22:42.346
That's what I'm.

00:22:42.346 --> 00:22:46.973
I love home cooked meals, but it's like they're got to have some balance.

00:22:46.973 --> 00:22:51.038
Well, if you love the home cooked meals, we got to go ahead and knock down on some of these pots and pans.

00:22:51.078 --> 00:22:51.599
You know what I'm saying?

00:22:51.599 --> 00:22:54.529
Cause boy, I just, I just meal prep for the entire week.

00:22:54.529 --> 00:22:56.666
We're talking breakfast, lunch and dinner.

00:22:56.887 --> 00:22:57.430
Three squares.

00:22:57.759 --> 00:23:01.368
For five days and you can't help me with these dishes You're bugging.

00:23:07.940 --> 00:23:08.500
No, no, no, no key, it's key.

00:23:08.500 --> 00:23:09.644
So I think that's a it's a fair ask and request.

00:23:09.663 --> 00:23:11.467
Yes, and I think that's the balance that has to be found.

00:23:11.467 --> 00:23:11.928
Yes, yes.

00:23:11.928 --> 00:23:15.262
So now we talked a little bit of some disagreements that we've had.

00:23:15.262 --> 00:23:22.486
What are some tools or tips that you would have for our viewers or listeners about ways to deal with disagreements?

00:23:23.468 --> 00:23:26.682
Yeah, I would say the first thing is your method of communication.

00:23:26.682 --> 00:23:32.987
So one of the things for us, like we talked about it in the past but the tone can be a big one.

00:23:32.987 --> 00:23:53.027
So like when you get you know tempers, get the getting a little high or you know people get a little, getting a little pat, we'll call it passionate about whatever the topic is, your voices get to elevate right and naturally I'm let me body language is shifting let me match your tone now we're now we're having a match off of right.

00:23:53.428 --> 00:23:59.641
Who's gonna get louder, who's gonna who's gonna get the last word, and it's like all right that's not what this is about that's not what this is about.

00:23:59.820 --> 00:24:00.781
This isn't productive.

00:24:00.781 --> 00:24:02.644
Let's go ahead and pause here.

00:24:02.644 --> 00:24:12.428
Maybe it's a uh, you know we need to both take, take five separate, take five separate rooms or separate you know whatever.

00:24:12.428 --> 00:24:13.089
And I don't.

00:24:13.391 --> 00:24:38.664
And when I say separate rooms, I like the idea of separate rooms, but in the same house, because I think something that can happen in a lot of situations is somebody the idea to run, which even for me, like that, that was a you know that that's the idea of like you know I'm, and even if it is, I'm going to go to the gym, right, like sometimes that's not necessarily a bad thing, but like the idea of like I'm going to get in the car, I'm going to leave, can have a negative connotation, cause it's like where are you going when you're coming back?

00:24:38.865 --> 00:24:40.105
Are you coming back?

00:24:40.105 --> 00:24:43.670
Like that can get a little bit worrisome for a partner.

00:24:43.670 --> 00:25:03.163
So I think being in the same house where it's like hey, I know you're still here, I know we're still working through this, despite whatever it may be, but now either we're coming back once things have cooled off, or maybe one of the things that was a game changer for us was the text is so like one writing it out, cause you're writing it out and you're like Ooh, if I was going to say this, how would this be?

00:25:03.364 --> 00:25:06.190
received this, would this would have landed, would this?

00:25:06.210 --> 00:25:06.730
would have landed.

00:25:06.730 --> 00:25:09.522
This would have landed like a right jab, like this.

00:25:09.522 --> 00:25:11.007
This text was not good.

00:25:11.007 --> 00:25:15.827
Let me go ahead and unwind this text and if you're trying to hurt somebody correct and that was a good one.

00:25:16.289 --> 00:25:20.944
Sometimes, reading the text is like, oh, I was going for the, I was going for the jugular.

00:25:20.944 --> 00:25:22.690
Yeah, we're like you know what that was like.

00:25:22.690 --> 00:25:33.666
Really, that could have been hurt, for you know what that could have been received not how I want it where actually that would have pushed us and sometimes it's always good too to look at like would that have pushed us closer together or further apart.

00:25:33.666 --> 00:25:47.191
And even if you, you know, if you're using the resources like Grammarly or one of the text apps, you ask like how does this text sound if it says disapproving, negative, insensitive, angry?

00:25:47.191 --> 00:25:53.044
You know what I need to revise, I need to change some of my words in here, but it's really then looking like all right.

00:25:53.044 --> 00:26:04.749
The end result is that we resolve whatever it is we're talking about, or that we at least find some common ground, and a lot of times it's a matter of let me swallow my pride, let me get past, maybe, how I felt about it.

00:26:05.461 --> 00:26:07.087
Is this that big of an issue?

00:26:07.087 --> 00:26:09.488
Like, is this a six minutes?

00:26:09.488 --> 00:26:14.009
Yeah, is this a six minute, six hour, six day or like six week or six?

00:26:14.009 --> 00:26:17.705
Like basically breaking it out in the increments of like how big of an issue is this right?

00:26:17.705 --> 00:26:19.771
Is this six hours or is this six days?

00:26:19.771 --> 00:26:21.063
Or is this like a six year?

00:26:21.063 --> 00:26:27.346
Like right, there's something life-changing, just right, right, and a lot of times it falls under the six hours.

00:26:27.346 --> 00:26:35.873
Maybe six, six weeks, right, or six days, but not something that's impactful enough to like be relationship changing or to blow it all up.

00:26:35.873 --> 00:26:36.781
Right, like no.

00:26:36.781 --> 00:26:44.286
You need to hold fast, send the text message and just say how can I, you know, how can I support you, or you know what I was wrong, or you know what?

00:26:44.286 --> 00:26:53.133
Let's, let's talk about this and see how we can come to a common ground, and sometimes that is like the starting point to then diffuse the situation.

00:26:53.660 --> 00:27:00.834
Yes, I loved what you said because that worked well for us for quite some time.

00:27:00.834 --> 00:27:03.786
Yeah, I'm going to add a couple of things.

00:27:03.786 --> 00:27:15.143
Number one, when you talked about being in the same house, I know that um, I remember one of our disagreements early, early on, like I think we were maybe only a few months in.

00:27:15.143 --> 00:27:23.663
Uh, you were, you were getting ready to leave and I remember I walked right in front of the door I said I don't know where you think you're going, cause you're not leaving like that.

00:27:23.663 --> 00:27:30.993
But again, that can go into abandonment, right where I feel like you're abandoning me and abandoning this situation.

00:27:30.993 --> 00:27:32.863
You're leaving and I don't know when you're going to come back.

00:27:32.863 --> 00:27:38.065
So now I may be packing my stuff up, I may be like I'm going to abandon you before you can abandon me, right?

00:27:38.065 --> 00:27:43.461
So again, that goes back to also looking back at your childhood, that's.

00:27:43.622 --> 00:28:03.453
We always say that, like every time that you are, whatever your action, your reaction, the way that you think, think about your childhood and how you were brought up, what the people around you, how they reacted, and see where, okay, that was maybe unhealthy to do that or that wasn't productive.

00:28:03.453 --> 00:28:07.670
So therefore, I'm going to change the way that I act and react.

00:28:07.670 --> 00:28:15.002
And again, it's not nothing we're saying is over, like, oh, we did it one time and we're just completely good.

00:28:15.002 --> 00:28:17.368
It's not magic, it's not the you know the snap of a finger.

00:28:17.368 --> 00:28:21.527
Some of this took years to happen, so it's just being mindful of that.

00:28:21.527 --> 00:28:23.840
So the abandonment piece was one that came to my mind.

00:28:23.840 --> 00:28:28.934
The next one was the, the texting.

00:28:28.934 --> 00:28:30.157
That was something.

00:28:30.157 --> 00:28:32.584
That was something that was very.

00:28:32.584 --> 00:28:39.042
It was a game changer for us, truthfully, because you don't realize how much is said in that silence.

00:28:39.884 --> 00:28:51.971
So when you're both in those rooms and you are just taking a minute to just come down from that emotion, because when you are in your emotions and you are reacting from your emotions, you're going to say something you don't mean.

00:28:51.971 --> 00:29:00.721
You may be petty, you may be, you may have a reaction that it's like, oh, I wish I could take that back.

00:29:00.721 --> 00:29:16.007
And it's like, okay, to mitigate that, take some time away, even if you need more time, text your partner and say, hey, I just need a couple of minutes, but I still love you, like I still, you know, I still care for you.

00:29:16.007 --> 00:29:26.607
Whatever that is to let the person know that what this argument or disagreement is not bigger than my love for you, and so being able to come back together after that is a key, though.

00:29:26.607 --> 00:29:32.266
Right, like we would be texting, texting, texting, and then we get to a point where it's like okay, we can be around each other.

00:29:32.346 --> 00:29:33.690
I now know, the vibes have it's.

00:29:33.799 --> 00:29:36.107
Yeah, exactly right, it's deescalated.

00:29:36.107 --> 00:29:41.751
Yeah, so now we can come back to a common ground the living room, the whatever, and it's like A little reset.

00:29:41.832 --> 00:29:51.683
Yes, and you know, thank you for saying that, I appreciate you.

00:29:51.683 --> 00:29:53.769
I realized that this was just a miscommunication and this is something that I can do better.

00:29:53.769 --> 00:29:54.733
This is something that you can do better.

00:29:54.733 --> 00:29:55.115
That will help me.

00:29:55.115 --> 00:30:14.712
And again, that that de-escalation is key, because one thing we see over and over in disagreements and arguments it just keeps escalating and escalating, and escalating and escalating, and some sometimes it gets to a point where you know, uh, there is, there is, uh, the action that's being taken is more of throwing something, or not in our house not in our house, I'm just saying yeah, it happens though

00:30:15.020 --> 00:30:24.207
it happens right where you know something gets thrown or you know, unfortunately there's a dv situation, and so, again, that de-escalation is so key.

00:30:24.207 --> 00:30:34.951
I, I would say another tool for us when it came to disagreements too, was really finding out okay, again, what did you hear when I said this?

00:30:34.951 --> 00:30:36.275
What was it that you heard?

00:30:36.275 --> 00:30:51.507
Because then when you, when I hear it from your viewpoint, it now gives me an opportunity to say, oh, okay, I could see where you misinterpreted that or where I can do better on explaining or saying something, and so I appreciate you letting me know.

00:30:52.141 --> 00:30:56.965
Or it's like you know, if somebody tells you their viewpoint, it's like well, how could you hear that?

00:30:56.965 --> 00:30:58.540
I can't, I can't believe that you could hear it.

00:30:58.540 --> 00:31:00.702
It's like you have to give people that grace.

00:31:00.702 --> 00:31:01.880
That's what they heard.

00:31:01.880 --> 00:31:13.200
So you have to figure out what you can do on your end in order for it to be something where it's a productive conversation and that you are again Right, seen, heard, value.

00:31:13.200 --> 00:31:14.820
I see you and I hear you.

00:31:14.820 --> 00:31:16.101
I hear your perspective.

00:31:16.101 --> 00:31:19.397
Thank you for that.

00:31:19.397 --> 00:31:20.461
This is how would you like me to?

00:31:20.461 --> 00:31:20.742
Maybe?

00:31:20.762 --> 00:31:21.305
say this the next time.

00:31:21.305 --> 00:31:26.766
Yeah, and I saw a quote recently that talked about the closer that a couple lives to God, the closer they're going to be are to each other.

00:31:26.766 --> 00:31:32.001
Oh, so the enemy is always going to want to come in and kill steal and destroy.

00:31:32.442 --> 00:31:42.375
So naturally in a in a relationship, the enemy wants you to raise your voice, argue, go your separate ways, leave right Now.

00:31:42.375 --> 00:31:43.459
There's more temptation.

00:31:43.459 --> 00:31:44.382
There's more other things.

00:31:44.382 --> 00:31:45.365
There's distractions.

00:31:45.365 --> 00:31:51.414
They want you to jump on and watch the reality TV, where it's maybe the housewives and they arguing and cussing each other.

00:31:51.414 --> 00:31:56.066
They want you to see the chaos and think that's the energy that you need.

00:31:56.226 --> 00:31:57.107
Or even that's normal.

00:31:57.777 --> 00:31:59.000
Or that's normal and that's not normal.

00:31:59.000 --> 00:31:59.583
It's not normal.

00:31:59.603 --> 00:32:00.164
It's not normal.

00:32:00.164 --> 00:32:01.942
We just become desensitized to it.

00:32:02.075 --> 00:32:05.385
Ray J pushing princess into the pool is not normal.

00:32:06.237 --> 00:32:07.180
That should not be what it is.

00:32:07.180 --> 00:32:08.242
That is your wife.

00:32:08.242 --> 00:32:09.066
That's wild.

00:32:09.656 --> 00:32:12.520
Or ex-wife right Now, but you get what I'm saying right.

00:32:12.520 --> 00:32:29.255
But now, right Now, that's not where you want to go and that's becoming so common that just being able to see it through, continue to care about your partner and know that you're building something together.

00:32:29.255 --> 00:32:41.924
To me that's so important because if you think about what you've built in, the time you've invested in, you know the due diligence that you've done in choosing a partner that you've chosen.

00:32:41.924 --> 00:32:43.367
Like so much people have done the due diligence.

00:32:43.387 --> 00:32:45.070
Well, that's what I'm saying, what you want A lot of situationships, correct.

00:32:45.070 --> 00:32:46.011
That's a separate episode.

00:32:46.472 --> 00:32:47.355
The situation oh shoot, we're pregnant now.

00:32:47.355 --> 00:32:54.384
Well, that was one of the best.

00:32:54.384 --> 00:33:15.105
I mean, one of the one of the things that I always say when are you still in a relationship or is it like, oh, I no longer have to be in this relationship and I'm yeah, I'm out of here, so I think thinking about that framework and asking yourself those questions is important too, because again, a lot of people in the situationships and then they're 10, 20, 30, 40 years later like what did I?

00:33:15.185 --> 00:33:16.455
what was I doing?

00:33:16.455 --> 00:33:18.462
What did I do the last few decades?

00:33:19.184 --> 00:33:31.329
Yeah, you're absolutely correct, and we've seen we've seen some relationships like that, and so I would then go into what we've been talking about.

00:33:31.329 --> 00:33:33.097
So these are all ways that we can kind of bounce back.

00:33:33.097 --> 00:33:37.877
I think another great thing that we do, too is is prayer, and we pray together.

00:33:37.877 --> 00:33:40.003
That is a big key.

00:33:40.003 --> 00:33:46.719
Going back to the quote that you just mentioned about being closer to God, it's realizing again that that there's something bigger than us.

00:33:46.719 --> 00:33:47.840
Right, like this is a.

00:33:47.840 --> 00:34:02.730
It's, you know, in the Bible, it's the greatest mystery is marriage right and two people coming together as one and so giving the grace and the space for your partner to make the change right.

00:34:02.730 --> 00:34:04.498
Like you can't just expect that.

00:34:04.878 --> 00:34:08.887
Okay, I've told you a couple of times and I expect you to make the complete change.

00:34:08.887 --> 00:34:11.563
No, right, like it's going to take a.

00:34:11.563 --> 00:34:15.704
It can take a couple of years, and that's what we have to remember when we're talking about marriage.

00:34:15.704 --> 00:34:17.702
I always say this it's lifelong.

00:34:17.702 --> 00:34:20.244
It's not something where this is just for a season.

00:34:20.244 --> 00:34:23.523
I might be with you 10, 15 years and then call it quits.

00:34:23.523 --> 00:34:24.646
It's not.

00:34:24.646 --> 00:34:26.521
We're trying to make this.

00:34:26.521 --> 00:34:26.815
You know.

00:34:26.815 --> 00:34:27.900
We hear your grandparents.

00:34:27.900 --> 00:34:30.340
Your grandparents have been married 65 years.

00:34:31.603 --> 00:34:34.389
Forever, Forever.

00:34:34.956 --> 00:34:42.960
So I think when we just that's the goal, the goal right and every time you hear, just even now, getting to 10 years is whoa like that's a shock.

00:34:42.980 --> 00:34:47.777
Shock people like y'all coming up on nine like I remember I was at y'all wedding.

00:34:47.836 --> 00:34:59.967
I know just milestones, um, and celebrating those, but just again, being as close to god as possible has been something that's been key, and something we like to do, too, is share scriptures with each other too.

00:34:59.967 --> 00:35:04.797
So, um, you know the version Bible app you'll hear us always talk about that.

00:35:04.797 --> 00:35:22.855
You can type in whatever word or a phrase that you want to send to your spouse, right, like about love, about disagreements, about you know how to push through and all of those things, and now you can have a scripture that's backed by the Bible that you can send to your spouse.

00:35:22.855 --> 00:35:26.726
And it's just another reminder of, okay, you want to work on this.

00:35:26.726 --> 00:35:34.041
And that's another key the effort and then wanting to work on it, because we can have these disagreements and some people are looking for the fights.

00:35:34.784 --> 00:35:35.485
I said what I said.

00:35:35.525 --> 00:35:36.427
Only needed a reason.

00:35:36.956 --> 00:35:42.914
I only needed a reason Peace.

00:35:42.914 --> 00:35:45.184
So that's just what we are talking about.

00:35:45.184 --> 00:35:46.407
Is that, uh, that?

00:35:46.407 --> 00:35:48.936
That the power of prayer and the power of being close to God?

00:35:49.137 --> 00:35:55.224
And I love what you said about the power of prayer and that positive word, because, again, are you speaking life into your relationship.

00:35:55.224 --> 00:36:01.161
Cause, if you speak in life into your relationship in ways that you can do that right, life and death is in the power of the tongue.

00:36:01.161 --> 00:36:12.264
So one of the ways you can do that, like you just mentioned, is sending over that scripture, but also, if you don't have the words to say and you're in, that, and I feel like that happens a lot you don't have the words to say you don't.

00:36:24.175 --> 00:36:27.304
You're maybe getting that tip right now of like, okay, I can go into the separate rooms, but I don't have the words to say every time I type it out yes, it says angry and disapproving, okay, don't send that.

00:36:27.304 --> 00:36:34.916
But then maybe it's going to Pinterest or going into chat, gpt or going into Google and saying, like, provide me with a positive quote from my wife or a lovely uplifting word or a word of encouragement or forgiveness or whatever.

00:36:34.916 --> 00:36:38.067
Yes, and now save that and send that.

00:36:38.067 --> 00:36:39.672
Yes, so now it's not even.

00:36:39.672 --> 00:36:40.454
It doesn't cause again.

00:36:40.454 --> 00:36:52.923
It doesn't have to be your words, but if it's something that you read, a quote, a song or whatever, and it's like you know what this is saying perfectly what I can't say right now and I just want you to be able to receive it.

00:36:53.335 --> 00:36:56.380
Even if it can't be from me, it might have to be from Jodeci.

00:36:56.380 --> 00:37:02.119
Let me go ahead and send you over this song or this playlist, because somebody remember them days.

00:37:02.119 --> 00:37:02.922
Come on now.

00:37:02.922 --> 00:37:03.403
Come on now.

00:37:03.403 --> 00:37:04.960
Had that CD on that one finger.

00:37:04.960 --> 00:37:06.527
Yes, come through.

00:37:06.527 --> 00:37:07.054
Dragon Edge.

00:37:07.054 --> 00:37:09.597
Baby girl, I just wanted you to hear this real quick.

00:37:09.918 --> 00:37:11.039
Let me make you a mixtape.

00:37:11.119 --> 00:37:12.561
It's hot, it's hot off the press.

00:37:12.561 --> 00:37:13.661
I just got a little mixtape.

00:37:13.661 --> 00:37:21.010
I hate these songs I want you to hear, but like it's those vibes right, like sometimes it's going back to the simplest of times of like I was thinking about you.

00:37:21.010 --> 00:37:24.838
I just want you to know I care, I love you.

00:37:24.838 --> 00:37:30.027
This, you know, this is for me, and that could be the start of the process of the conversation.

00:37:30.894 --> 00:37:41.505
Yes, I'm so glad that you said that, because I feel like that is a gap where people are like, hey, I want that growth and I want to do exactly what y'all are talking about.

00:37:41.505 --> 00:37:41.686
But how?

00:37:41.706 --> 00:37:42.289
what's step one?

00:37:42.349 --> 00:37:43.074
what's step one?

00:37:43.074 --> 00:37:44.621
How do I do this?

00:37:44.621 --> 00:37:54.315
Another thing that I would say, to add to what you just mentioned briefly, is when you have a disagreement, the disagreement is between the two of you.

00:37:54.315 --> 00:38:01.905
When you start adding in more voices, you start adding in more perspectives facebook you start the book.

00:38:01.925 --> 00:38:18.965
Don't be going to facebook, okay, talking about your, talking about your wife and your husband it is messy and we've seen it come on it's so messy, and it really it makes you look immature, right, it makes you look emotionally immature, like you don't know how to handle your emotions and so you're just going to jump to Facebook, or yeah, going to Facebook court.

00:38:19.025 --> 00:38:22.481
Is not it Like Letting your Facebook friends and family be the judge?

00:38:22.481 --> 00:38:23.262
You know what I mean.

00:38:23.262 --> 00:38:24.445
The comments is the judge.

00:38:25.215 --> 00:38:32.695
And so I think that that's something that we've learned too over time is we have to be the ones that are talking this through.

00:38:32.695 --> 00:38:40.545
We have to be the ones that are at least trying to effectively communicate, because the more opinions you have, the more that you have people's perspectives.

00:38:40.545 --> 00:38:53.985
Even if you trust somebody, maybe mention something to them, but at the same time take it with a grain of salt, right, if you at your core know like, ooh, no, I feel that feels a little like not the avenue that I want to go.

00:38:53.985 --> 00:38:58.391
That's not kind of repairing and restoring, that's going more in the destruction side.

00:38:58.391 --> 00:39:04.067
Right, it's again chewing on the meat, spitting out the bones when it comes to somebody that you trust.

00:39:04.106 --> 00:39:27.945
But I would always say, try to keep it between the two of you and if you're and if you need to talk to somebody and talk to Jesus or or therapist, because there's nothing wrong with getting a therapist or having therapy, and that being a space where you say, like man, I've really been struggling with this, I'm having a resentment, or I'm dealing with this, or X, y and Z, because again they have professional experience.

00:39:28.385 --> 00:39:36.438
By law, they're not supposed to go tell your business to everybody at the barbershop or the hair salon, like maybe a friend would do, and you end up feeling like, oh my gosh, I just shared.

00:39:36.438 --> 00:39:43.150
I just shared this and now you know we don't work through it, but now everybody else is looking at us crazy or whatever the case may be.

00:39:43.150 --> 00:39:52.385
So I really appreciate the fact that you said that too, because working on it internally and then for those that like, even for us, because somebody like well, how do you work on it internally?

00:39:52.385 --> 00:39:53.556
You guys are on social media.

00:39:53.556 --> 00:39:55.519
You're giving feedback x, y and z.00:39:55.519 --> 00:40:14.003


Something I appreciate that you talked about, that we learned is addressing or talking about things once you've worked through it, so like we didn't come on here and talk about the situation in the club 12 years ago or 10 years ago when it happened we we grew beyond it, we repaired it, we got to a point where we could even like.00:40:14.695 --> 00:40:31.784


Like when you're at a point where you could even joke about it or talk about it freely without tempers flaring and rising, that means I think that's then where you're at a space where you can talk about it, whether that's on a platform like this or even to friends like man we really had to work through, or let it be valuable to help somebody else is after you've worked through it together.00:40:32.005 --> 00:40:34.177


We were engaged yes, and the reason?00:40:34.177 --> 00:40:38.706


I know cause remember we were in premarital counseling yes, do you remember that?00:40:38.847 --> 00:40:39.668


I think I did bring that up.00:40:39.668 --> 00:40:41.722


I brought that up to the pastor in marital counseling.00:40:41.742 --> 00:40:42.545


No, we both brought it up.00:40:43.458 --> 00:40:46.882


I said, man, I was ready to what's your latest disagreement.00:40:46.882 --> 00:40:48.320


I said, let me tell you.00:40:48.320 --> 00:40:50.576


Let me tell you what happened at the club.00:40:50.635 --> 00:40:52.538


And you were riled up, you were hyped up.00:40:52.657 --> 00:40:59.726


And then, now that I think, think back to it, I'm explaining to the pastor about me acting out in the club and I'm like you know what, pastor?00:40:59.726 --> 00:41:00.907


I had no business in the club.00:41:01.027 --> 00:41:03.088


No business, no business, no business.00:41:03.088 --> 00:41:05.010


And you're talking to your pastor while being in the club.00:41:05.010 --> 00:41:05.612


Being in the club.00:41:05.896 --> 00:41:07.605


And it was either a Saturday, or a Sunday.00:41:07.605 --> 00:41:08.449


Typically.00:41:08.530 --> 00:41:09.355


It was a Sunday, I think.00:41:16.144 --> 00:41:19.469


It might have been a Sunday church, and now you have Sunday Funday turning up.00:41:19.494 --> 00:41:26.927


This is why we say it was also our BC days before Christ, because you can be in it and you're still teetering.00:41:26.927 --> 00:41:30.266


But again, we were 22, 23, maybe 24.00:41:30.266 --> 00:41:33.766


Well, if we were engaged, that's actually closer to 25.00:41:34.166 --> 00:41:34.929


Yeah, we were still young.00:41:34.949 --> 00:41:35.751


We're still young, though.00:41:35.855 --> 00:41:37.101


The early 20s out there active.00:41:38.594 --> 00:41:40.090


We're still young though, Early 20s out there active, we're in traffic, but all of our friends, you know that was just a thing.00:41:40.090 --> 00:41:41.016


Yeah, friends, everybody was a thing.00:41:41.036 --> 00:41:41.762


Friends, like everyone.00:41:41.762 --> 00:41:42.748


Yeah, we could work all weekend.00:41:42.748 --> 00:41:43.655


It's like what are you doing on the weekend?00:41:43.655 --> 00:41:46.623


We are having a good time, Time when we at.00:41:46.762 --> 00:41:48.067


Period I'm trying to be seen.00:42:02.014 --> 00:42:05.543


I is going out to a nice restaurant, is going to play, you know, some putt putt like, yes, we're doing different things and we did some of that then.00:42:05.543 --> 00:42:10.697


But it's just realizing the energy, the space and also feeling like, okay, where, what type of emotions and vibes are you getting when you're out in that energy?00:42:10.697 --> 00:42:20.126


Right, and so I think that is also a big and if you realize, man, I'm, I'm, we're encountering some of these challenges when we're out at this place or with these people.00:42:20.235 --> 00:42:22.143


Then we need to remove ourselves, boom yes.00:42:22.255 --> 00:42:28.304


And sometimes it's just having that conversation and then being and one thing I appreciate about us was we were willing to make the adjustments.00:42:28.425 --> 00:42:28.666


Yes.00:42:28.795 --> 00:42:39.699


When we saw that, like all right, clearly it's not us we had a couple of incidents and we're good A couple of incidents it's an environment thing, incidents it's an environment thing.00:42:39.719 --> 00:42:40.161


We've outgrown it.00:42:40.161 --> 00:42:40.822


We've outgrown it.00:42:40.822 --> 00:42:41.746


We gotta adjust out of this environment.00:42:41.746 --> 00:42:49.679


Correct, correct, and just quickly going back to your therapy, uh, wholeheartedly believe in individual therapy, but then if you are at a point where you need couples therapy, I always mention this.00:42:49.679 --> 00:42:55.554


Please watch couples therapy on showtime, dr orna, it is a game changer.00:42:55.554 --> 00:42:56.838


I believe there's four seasons.00:42:56.838 --> 00:42:59.715


I highly recommend that you take a peek at it.00:42:59.715 --> 00:43:07.322


And so what she does is she has four couples for each season and you follow them through three months of therapy and it's intensive.00:43:07.322 --> 00:43:08.364


I think it's weekly.00:43:08.364 --> 00:43:11.043


From what it sounded like it's intensive therapy.00:43:11.043 --> 00:43:13.931


And whoa, you see every single time.00:43:13.931 --> 00:43:16.818


You see in the beginning where they're on opposite sides of the couch.00:43:16.818 --> 00:43:18.722


They're not really talking to each other.00:43:18.722 --> 00:43:23.277


It's always let me tell you about him, let me tell you about her Like it's the blame game.00:43:23.597 --> 00:43:35.780


Then they get into that middle ground of sitting a little closer on the couch sitting a little bit closer but, like each person's getting the wake up call, each person is is hearing Dr Orna say, like hold on, let her speak, or hold on, let.00:43:35.780 --> 00:43:37.362


Did you hear what they just said?00:43:37.362 --> 00:43:55.936


Like you have, sometimes you need to stop and listen and make sure that you're hearing what the other person is saying and then you get towards the end and it's the breakthroughs, it's the we're getting closer and you know not in all cases, which that happens for some couples, but I just highly recommend that you check that out.00:43:55.936 --> 00:44:03.034


If you don't want to take that couples therapy or you know, financially right, don't have the opportunity to go to couples therapy yourselves.00:44:03.034 --> 00:44:05.856


I think that's just a great tool to tap into Because there's a.00:44:05.856 --> 00:44:06.922


I mean, they talk about everything.00:44:07.436 --> 00:44:08.521


Every situation a couple can have.00:44:09.255 --> 00:44:27.329


It's such a great call out because learning from others like there's real-time learning, where you're experiencing it yourself, but there's also that learning of watching someone else go through it, seeing what some of these terms are called, seeing how that shows up in in our own relationship.00:44:27.329 --> 00:44:29.295


Right, and then because I love that example and I even like watch us.00:44:29.295 --> 00:44:37.465


We've been watching super nanny and I've been watching so much about the dynamics between husband, wife, parents, kids, mom kids.00:44:37.746 --> 00:44:40.034


Like seeing all of these dynamics of supernanny.00:44:40.034 --> 00:44:46.150


And again, sometimes you learn the most with extremes, right where it's like man.00:44:46.150 --> 00:44:47.594


This is really extreme.00:44:47.594 --> 00:44:52.536


On the cleaning it up or the adjustment supernanny is really having to come in and roll up her sleeps.00:44:53.257 --> 00:45:04.148


Really get, get in here, give them a good talking to so like you're like, oh my gosh, if this is the worst, and these are the, the frameworks that they utilize, these are the steps they put in place.00:45:04.148 --> 00:45:10.257


Look at how we can roll this out and implement it, because we know it's not that bad supernanny ain't on our door.00:45:10.257 --> 00:45:17.903


Or like you know, doctor, so-and-so with you know marriage therapy is not at our door, right, or we don't need that level of extreme therapy.00:45:17.943 --> 00:45:28.849


But like we can learn that yes we need to adjust our time, or we need to let the other person finish, or we need to maybe implement some more boundaries in some areas with family or friends or whatever.00:45:28.869 --> 00:45:42.480


Yeah, yeah to what you talked about in therapy and what I mentioned earlier in this episode.00:45:42.480 --> 00:45:46.981


If you notice that you and your spouse are having multiple disagreements, it's getting more intense, right?00:45:46.981 --> 00:45:48.760


It's all of these.00:45:48.760 --> 00:45:50.905


It's not moving in a positive direction.00:45:50.905 --> 00:46:03.103


Sometimes you need to take that step back and look within, right, and have that self-reflection and say, okay, number one, let me take a look back at my childhood, when there was a conflict in the house.00:46:03.103 --> 00:46:04.827


How was it resolved?00:46:04.827 --> 00:46:06.277


How was it?00:46:06.277 --> 00:46:08.382


What were the reactions that were happening?00:46:08.382 --> 00:46:10.746


And then let me look at myself.00:46:10.746 --> 00:46:12.077


Am I having those same behaviors?00:46:12.077 --> 00:46:16.568


And if you are, then you now at least know where the root cause is.00:46:16.568 --> 00:46:18.681


That's one thing I always say to just.00:46:18.681 --> 00:46:25.288


You know, having my degree in psychology was just, what's the root of the problem?00:46:25.288 --> 00:46:28.005


What's the root of what's happening?00:46:28.005 --> 00:46:29.762


There's a cause and effect, right?00:46:29.762 --> 00:46:32.724


A lot of things stem from our childhood.00:46:32.724 --> 00:46:35.123


So how was conflict handled?00:46:35.123 --> 00:46:37.704


How was resolution handled?00:46:37.704 --> 00:46:39.994


Because sometimes there is no resolution.00:46:39.994 --> 00:46:40.976


Let's keep it all the way, real.00:46:41.619 --> 00:46:44.766


Sometimes, under the rug you see that rug, let's take that up.00:46:44.766 --> 00:46:46.139


Sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep.00:46:46.139 --> 00:46:47.623


So how's everyone doing today?00:46:47.623 --> 00:46:48.927


Oh my gosh, let's go get ice cream.00:46:48.927 --> 00:46:52.806


It's like hold on sprinkles are for winners sprinkles are for winners and the?00:46:52.925 --> 00:46:53.976


what just happened right now?00:46:53.976 --> 00:46:55.099


It was just a blow-up.00:46:55.099 --> 00:46:56.302


Are we not going to talk about it?00:46:56.302 --> 00:47:05.864


And if your kids see that, that's what they're learning, that's what they're, that's what they're picking up from you?00:47:05.864 --> 00:47:07.552


And so, again, just do a little bit of that self-reflection, some journaling.00:47:07.552 --> 00:47:26.210


If you need to self-prompt yourself, pinterest is a great opportunity, even Instagram, right, where you can type in self-improvement prompts, and it will give you just a couple of ways that you can journal about what you're going through, what you're feeling, and get deep into that root cause.00:47:26.271 --> 00:47:27.896


And it's not easy, right, like to do that.00:47:27.896 --> 00:47:30.101


Shadow work is not easy by any means.00:47:30.101 --> 00:47:32.708


It's uncomfortable, it's going to be sad.00:47:32.708 --> 00:47:36.164


Sometimes it's going to drain you, for sure, but at the end of the day, you're going to drain you for sure.00:47:36.164 --> 00:47:38.831


But at the end of the day, you're going to get better.00:47:38.831 --> 00:47:43.965


And the more that you work on it and the more that you also work on it together, it will get better.00:47:43.965 --> 00:47:45.197


But it's going to take time.00:47:45.197 --> 00:47:53.702


It takes effort, it takes patience, it takes compassion, right, it takes all of these things to be able to just push forward and some 100%.00:47:54.384 --> 00:47:58.742


Yes, so hopefully this helped somebody today.00:47:58.742 --> 00:48:03.360


If you know anybody that needs to hear this message, please send it to them.00:48:03.360 --> 00:48:06.445


As always, please like and subscribe.00:48:06.445 --> 00:48:12.887


If you're watching us on YouTube, if you are watching us on Instagram, please follow us at coupley fit.00:48:12.887 --> 00:48:15.072


C O, u, p, l E Y, f I T.