July 1, 2025
Episode 39: Success Starts with Your Circle
“Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.”
In this episode, we’re diving into how the people around you can make or break your growth.
We unpack the 5 types of toxic friends to watch out for (yep, even the “friendly” ones) and what to look for in real, uplifting connections. You’ll learn how to build stronger bonds, set healthy boundaries, and reflect on the kind of friend you want to be.
Your circle matters more than you think.
🎧 Tune in and start choosing connection that fuels your future.
00:00 - Introduction: Is Your Friend Group a Cage?
05:35 - Types of Friends to Avoid
21:48 - What to Look for in a Friend
36:51 - How to Be a Good Friend
46:01 - Reflection Questions and Resources
WEBVTT
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Hey Cupply Fit fam.
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Welcome back to another episode of the Cupply Fit podcast where we talk all things health, marriage and mindset.
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Question for you is your friends group making up your success circle or is it a cage?
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Find out how.
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Before we jump in, we just want to say thank you so much for all of your support.
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We just want to say thank you so much for all of your support.
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Please follow us on social media at Cupply Fit C-O-U-P-L-E-Y-F-I-T.
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And, as always, like and subscribe.
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All right, let's jump into it.
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We are going to talk first about the types of friends to stay away from.
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This right now, I feel like, is so important and so many people, I think, are looking for genuine friendships, genuine connection.
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But who do you stay away from?
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Because I think when you can title it and you can identify the what you need to avoid, it just makes it a lot easier to know who are the right friends for you absolutely so.
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Number one is going to be the competitor.
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Oh, this is somebody who's trying to one-up you.
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They're trying to turn your win into their loss, and really this can be friends or family.
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Listen, I was just going to say Because a lot of times, you know, you tell somebody some good news and they're competing like oh, you got a new car, dang.
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You know, my car is a couple years old.
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I've been thinking about getting a new car too.
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Yes, I've been thinking about getting a new car too.
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Yes, it's like dang, can you just say congratulations, come for a ride with me, come on now.
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You know you want to now you know you want to ride with me.
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Yes, no, you're absolutely correct.
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And again right in a friendship, nobody wants to feel like you're competing with your friends or against your friends.
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That's not something that, in my mind, considers a like supportive friendship.
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And you also will find out too.
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Just another example is you get a promotion or you get some type of good news and you share it.
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Are they excited to celebrate you and like, are they really?
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Do you feel like they genuinely want to see you win, or is it like I should have been promoted Exactly?
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How come I haven't gotten a job.
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Yes, or how come I didn't get that.
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That should have been me, and you're like.
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But if we also think about that too, even just what you said, that's a lot of eyes, eyes, eyes, me, me, me.
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It's giving selfish, yeah Right, and like nobody wants to be in a relationship, however, your relationship is with anybody.
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That's selfish, that's not something that's reciprocal.
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Have you ever experienced that with a friend Like a selfish friend or friendship?
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I have.
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Tell me more.
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Absolutely.
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We'll get into that in a little bit.
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So number two is the energy drainer, or how we like to say it.
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This is the parasite.
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It is somebody who is negative, that gossips and is emotionally dumping onto you without reciprocity.
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And there are both gossip girls and gossip guys.
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Oh my gosh.
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If you're at the barbershop telling all the business that you think you might have heard, that counts as a gossip guy as well.
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Just want to call that out.
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And that's a good point, because if somebody's telling you all of someone else's business, they're doing the same thing about what they heard from you.
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And so, yeah, it's not what you want.
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It's a lot of that too on Facebook.
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Now it's digital, right, but you're like dang, the Facebook feed is really just negative, it's all somebody else's business.
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Or like, try to stay away from those folks 100% and something for both of us too, when it comes to the gossip piece, that we can't stand that, honestly, that is not something that we like to even hear or we don't engage in, and I know for me, I've had to tell multiple people over the years.
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This person is not here to defend themselves, but yet you want to be over here and gossiping whether it's telling their business or just gossiping about them but they can't defend what you're saying about them.
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And so for me, honestly, I have more of the energy drainer when it comes to friendships.
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Just previously, when you asked me the question where people were negative but the gossip was, it was substantial, and they're coming to me about other people in our friend group and gossiping about them, and I said, wait a minute.
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If they didn't come and tell me personally, then they probably didn't want me to know, so don't tell me their business.
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Yeah, and I would say I have more of the competitors and I think that's naturally with guys too, right?
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It's like I want to one-up you and it's okay to it's giving ego.
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It's giving ego.
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It's okay to compete, but it does come a point where, like, I want to see you win.
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Yes, both can try something, but when you win I'm going to celebrate you.
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And I think it's also that concept that there's enough room and space for everybody to win or everybody to eat.
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It's not like that idea that, oh my gosh, there's only one slice of pizza or pie left and it's like, if you get that slice, there's nothing for me.
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No, there's all of these other opportunities or things and what's for you?
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will never miss you, and it gives me a little bit of that crab in a barrel mindset as well.
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Right when, if I see you winning, I've got to do something to grab onto you and bring you back down.
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And sometimes that's even people saying you know you're getting too big for your britches.
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Right, Like you, I need to, I need to humble you, I need to bring you back down because you're your head's getting too big, or whatever that is.
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Too much accomplishment, too much accomplishment, when, really, depending on who you are and where you are, the sacrifices that you've had to make, most people don't see if you don't broadcast that or even show that on social media.
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But I think that it is something too when we talk about emotional dumping without reciprocity.
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That was something I experienced a lot of as well, where, you know, I had friends that were emotionally dumping onto me all of their problems and never once asked me about me, never once asked me hey, how are you doing?
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How's your mom doing?
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How's your brother doing?
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How are, where are you in your life?
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Like what's going on with you?
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Not once, and so that was, you know.
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I had to move away from those people.
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No, but what's crazy about that?
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To your point, I mean to be on the phone with somebody for 30 or 40 minutes or even for five or 10 minutes and they don't want to ask you about your day or how you're doing.
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Some people just jump on the phone and get right into it.
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Let me tell you what just happened oh, can you not gonna believe this is what they said?
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but and you're like wait a second, I just took on yes the weight of your whole day, the drama at work, the things you're going through in your relationship.
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That has nothing to do with me or our friendship, and you're also not asking me about how I'm doing, and so I think there's that balance of it's okay to vent, but it's also different.
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Different when this becomes a pattern where you're not asking me about me, it's just I'm.
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I'm just taking on what you just continue to kind of offload, and that's not healthy for anybody.
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No, and it's emotionally draining.
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It is one of those things where it's like hold on, I have my own things going on and you are constantly dumping onto me.
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I need to take a step back, I need to put a boundary up, and so we're going to jump into that a little bit later, but the next one that we have for the types of friends to stay away from is the chameleon.
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This is somebody who's going to act differently depending on who's around.
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And there is a lot of that right.
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There's a lot of that Because you'll be hanging out with somebody one-on-one.
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I think we've all experienced that we're super genuine, they're cool, they're authentic, we can really openly share and have dialogue.
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But as soon as we get into a broader friend group, they change up, change up.
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They're no longer supportive.
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They no longer maybe have your back.
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Now they're throwing shade yes.
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They're trying to maybe show out in front of some of the other friends and you're like who's this?
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Who is?
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this, who is this?
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Who is this?
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And?
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this happens with family too.
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It does, and then I also lose trust in you, because now it's well, who am I going to get right?
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We always say are you being double-sided?
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And that's something that we have both experienced, both when it comes to friendships as well as family.
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It's very difficult to be able to be in a relationship if there is no trust.
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Something that we've always said is that if there is no trust, there's no relationship, and I think it's just really disappointing, too, when somebody acts differently depending on who they're around, because it's one of those things where number one why is this happening?
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Why are you doing this?
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But then also it's it's giving frenemy right when I'm acting like I'm your friend, when I'm with you, but then it's giving enemy vibes when we you know we're in a group and you're acting differently.
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And there's and I'm sure we can all think of a movie or a show or even a person that we, that, like, we've seen, that play out either in our own lives or in someone else's situation and to your point, being able to identify it of like, because sometimes people will gaslight you.
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Yes.
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In each of the scenarios you just named the first one someone talks about them the whole time for 40 minutes and then tells you you don't share enough.
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You're really closed off.
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Yes, how come you're not telling me anything about you?
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How come I don't know this, this and that?
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And you're like, you didn't ask me.
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And not only did you not ask me, but you didn't give me the space to even say anything.
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You just kept going and going and dumping and dumping, and there's no room for me to even interject.
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You just want me to give you to almost be your you know psychologist and be your therapist.
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It's like that.
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First off, that's not my job.
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That's not what me, as a friend, should constantly be doing to your point.
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Like you said earlier, you can vent and I'm here for you.
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I'm here to support you, but if it's constant and you're not able to get a word in edgewise, then that might be a situation where you need to set a boundary and stick to that boundary.
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And to that point on that chameleon side too, I think it's also what stick to that boundary and to that point on that chameleon side too, I think it's also what do you allow and what do you?
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You know we have to inspect what we expect, right?
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So if someone is changing up one, we can call it out too.
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We could also decide hey, I peep that you're different around this other group, maybe I don't want to hang out with you as much, even on the one-on-one, because you change up on me or you switch up, which nobody wants to feel that inconsistency when it comes to a friendship, absolutely, or even a family relationship, like you said earlier, next is going to be the conditional supporter.
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This is a person that only shows up if they're benefiting or it's playing a specific role that helps them.
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So I'm going to tell you what's crazy when I think about the conditional supporter.
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I'm going to flash back to when we were all we're like at some point, when everybody started to get like their driver's license and a car or like things like that.
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When we were in high school, because you started to see like friends, groups that you used to have, like people used to hang out because one person had a car and everybody rolled together.
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Then all of a sudden, people got like their license and a car.
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It's like, oh well, it was conditional.
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I hung out with you because we needed to ride to school together.
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I hung out with you because I didn't have another way to go to the party.
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But when you have options and everybody has their own car and schedule and things, do we still choose to spend time together?
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Or was it conditional, based on what I could do for you in that moment?
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Yeah, and I think that to your point, right it, when somebody is only showing up if it benefits them, again, that's another red flag of somebody being selfish, that is, somebody that is only looking out for themselves.
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What do you have to offer me, rather than what do I have to offer you and to support you and again another, just like we talked about before, this can pertain to friendships as well as family.
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If your family is giving you conditional support or conditional love where you, if you're not doing what I say, then my love varies for you.
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That's tough.
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Well, not only about, but it's disappointing and so hurtful, honestly, like to the core of it.
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It's extremely hurtful because you, again your perspective may be, I thought that we were these type of friends and I'm really seeing that we're conditional friends and now I'm looking at you differently, I'm upset, I am ultimately hurt by it, and it's a situation too sometimes where you don't know necessarily how to get out of it.
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Right, like I don't know how to move around somebody who's only giving me conditional support because maybe when they do, it feels so genuine and it feels good, right, like to the core, but it's actually conditional.
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In a great way to find out if something is conditional or not.
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How does somebody treat you when you don't do what they want?
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Or you say no or you say no, because you will see that change up the fangs come out.
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My people get to talking nasty about you all of a sudden, keep pressuring you oh, pressure line, hey, why need you to do this?
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and you're like wait, I already one, I already said no two and you and you should respect that, you should respect that, and then this shouldn't change our relationship, where we're not friends anymore, or you're mad at me or you're treating me different because I said no one time or because you need, you wanted this from me, and it shouldn't be based on that.
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We should be, you know, regardless of the yes or the no or condition, it should be genuine.
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And it's interesting because I saw a sermon, a quick snippet on TikTok, of a sermon that said People will only see you how they need you.
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Say that one more time for the people in the back.
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People will only see you how they need you, and I feel like that goes very much into what we're talking about with the conditional supporter, where, if I only need you in these spaces, those are the only times that I'm going to reach out to you.
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And I've had that even happen for me, where I am a great listener.
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I'm an active listener as well, and I do pride myself on intentionally not judging people, and so I think I've been taken advantage of a lot in that sense where people will reach out to me often about you know, their relationship issues or just things that are going on in their lives, and again they're dumping on me, but then I never hear from them again and it's like, okay, I see you on all, I see you on my stories.
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Now I see you, I see you, I see that you're seeing what I'm doing, but yet you're not even engaging, you're not supporting, you're not saying anything unless it has something to do with what you want.
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Now I just wanted to touch on what you just said right there, because that's a.
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You know that almost struck a nerve, because there's a lot of people that'll be on the instagram story all up on your facebook story all up on your stories and like, dang, it was my birthday or it was my whatever.
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No response.
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Or you wish them a happy birthday or a hey hope, congratulations or whatever, and they see it and don't even respond.
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And it's not that you take it personal, but it's just like Well, it's kind of hard not to If this is a pattern.
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But you shouldn't, but also if this is a pattern, though, all of a sudden, what do they call it?
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The silent ghost?
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Yes, well, that's the next one.
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Let's get into it then.
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The ghoster this is somebody who disappears when you need them, but reappears when it's convenient.
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Come on.
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So it's the people that's when you winning, when it's time to pop the bottles, when it's time for the celebration and the party.
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They're right there, ready, whoop, whoop.
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But when things get a little dark it starts to get a little rainy out.
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You need some help.
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You're maybe fundraising or you need somewhere to stay or something.
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Don't even answer the phone.
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Might feel like they lost your number.
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Got to reintroduce yourself, do?
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you have the same number.
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Got to put your name at the end of the message, Like, hey, it's me man.
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Yes, yes, but that's again a lot of these things that we're talking about when it comes to the types of friendships to stay away from.
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A lot of this comes down to you on the receiving end.
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It's extremely hurtful.
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It is something, too, where somebody may not be intentionally doing this because it's an unconscious thing that they're doing.
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But when that friend brings it to your attention and it does take that communication very similar to a relationship, you have to communicate in your friendships and say, hey, when you did this, this was very hurtful for me, or I didn't like the way that you treated me or what you said in front of those friends.
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That was something I was.
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I was taken aback, I'm disappointed in what you said.
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How they react will tell you a lot about not only where you stand, but then also how they feel about you.
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So pay attention, don't shy away from the discomfort of having that critical conversation, because, especially when it comes to friendships, it is linked to having longevity and so, but it can also be linked to having, you know, some years taken off of your life too, when you're constantly pouring into everybody else but nobody's pouring into you, or when they do pour into you, it's conditional or they ghost you right and they only appear when it's like, oh, this is cute, I want to do this for the gram, like yes, that's not somebody, that is actually your friend and I, and something that just came to me that you just reminded me of is don't ignore hurt because of history, just because you have a history with somebody and you've known them since you were a kid or y'all grew up together, or maybe you're friends or cousins or siblings, whatever it may be.
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If there are things that you feel like are hurting you, the history aside, either it needs to be addressed, you need to create a boundary with that person, or maybe you need to evaluate if this friendship or relationship is something you want to keep investing into 100.
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I think that's a great segue into now.
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What do I look for in a friend?
00:17:08.647 --> 00:17:16.944
Right, so you've told me all the types of friends I need to stay away from, but who should I be or what should I be looking for when it comes to new friends or just friends?
00:17:16.944 --> 00:17:19.903
So number one is emotional safety.
00:17:19.903 --> 00:17:24.967
You want to be able to be vulnerable without fear of judgment or gossip.
00:17:24.967 --> 00:17:27.262
Oh amen.
00:17:27.454 --> 00:17:35.018
And what I think about it too, is a lot of times you don't even have to overthink this, like right now, if someone said who are people that you feel safe with?
00:17:35.018 --> 00:17:43.345
Who are people that you feel like I can be, my, I can literally show up and be maybe that goofy version or that nerdy or silly or like whatever version of you that you're kind of like.
00:17:43.345 --> 00:17:45.526
I only show that like to the close.
00:17:45.526 --> 00:17:50.529
Who are those folks and that energy and feeling are people that you trust and feel safe around.
00:17:50.529 --> 00:18:00.049
That's where you want to be able to build that foundation 100%.
00:17:59.905 --> 00:18:01.374
And to your point right, when we talk about vulnerability, a lot of this is friendships and relationships.
00:18:01.374 --> 00:18:05.749
They go hand in hand and I'm talking more so, either romantic or familiar relationships.
00:18:05.749 --> 00:18:36.964
That vulnerability, without fear of judgment or gossip, is so key because if I come to you and I tell you something that I'm being vulnerable about, not only judging me and like sometimes people are outright judging you like, oh, something that I'm being vulnerable about, not only judging me and like, sometimes people are outright judging you, like, oh, girl, I wouldn't have done that or you should have done something different, or they're gossiping about you, again it's a reminder that I may have to close myself off, and closing yourself off to one friend may close yourself off to the rest of the people that are trying to be those passion partners for you.
00:18:36.964 --> 00:18:42.468
So it is a delicate balance, but that emotional safety is so key.
00:18:42.468 --> 00:18:45.340
So the next one is consistency.
00:18:45.761 --> 00:18:50.444
Over time, this is somebody that shows up when it's inconvenient.
00:18:50.444 --> 00:19:04.303
I know, you know we've also had this happen before where we've received a phone call, you know, early in the morning or late at night and somebody saying like, hey, I really need you, I need you to pull up to where I am and we are in the car on our way.
00:19:04.303 --> 00:19:05.205
We'll be there.
00:19:05.205 --> 00:19:23.195
It's not necessarily convenient for us, but you were showing me that this is what you need from me right now, and so let me not only show it for you, but let me do this over time, in just small ways, so that I can show you my consistency in the fact that I want to be your friend and I'm showing up for you.
00:19:23.195 --> 00:19:27.247
And again, going back to relationships, you have to show up in your relationships.
00:19:27.894 --> 00:19:32.633
Yeah, and if someone's not showing up for you, right, the question is why, right?
00:19:32.633 --> 00:19:34.238
Are you showing up for them, Right?
00:19:34.238 --> 00:19:53.819
And I think we always want to kind of look ourselves in the mirror and ask if I'm showing up for this person, I want it to be reciprocal, right, and whatever type of relationship it is, because so often I think you can feel like man, wait, we need to kind of do some recalibrating of this friendship or this relationship of are we both moving forward in the same direction?
00:19:53.819 --> 00:19:54.319
Are we both?
00:19:54.319 --> 00:19:59.430
Do we still have the same ambitions and goals and plans as far as where we're headed as well?
00:19:59.430 --> 00:20:03.105
Because a lot of times I think you can see friendships move in different directions, right?
00:20:03.535 --> 00:20:15.998
You can outgrow your friendships, you can outgrow, and sometimes it can be as simple as you stepping into entrepreneurship or you're stepping into, you know, being a wife or getting married or a husband, oh yeah, those were the big shifts, tom.
00:20:16.018 --> 00:20:19.723
These are big shifts and it's like some friends are like, oh, you're not single, partnering with me?
00:20:19.723 --> 00:20:20.025
No more.
00:20:20.025 --> 00:20:22.202
Yes, we're not at singles night, ladies night no more.
00:20:22.202 --> 00:20:26.666
Or the fellas man, we ain't going to go to the you know the club after hours to this.
00:20:26.666 --> 00:20:34.483
And it's like, no, I'm recalibrate.
00:20:34.483 --> 00:20:37.326
Or look at those friends that we want to lean and spend more time with.
00:20:37.748 --> 00:20:47.689
Absolutely, and it's a another reminder, too, that some friends are here for a season or a reason and that season that you were just talking about.
00:20:47.689 --> 00:20:57.786
There have been, you know, studies that show there are major life moments where you do have to recalibrate with your friends or you lose your friends.
00:20:57.786 --> 00:21:12.228
That is getting to a relationship, getting married, having kids, going through a divorce, and also grievances or grieving, and, interesting enough, those would be the times when you need your friends the most.
00:21:12.228 --> 00:21:20.529
But if you're not showing up for me as the friend that I need in that moment, then it becomes okay, was I only here for a reason?
00:21:20.529 --> 00:21:38.964
And then you only may be here for a season, and I have to go ahead and adjust and move myself accordingly, because this is a boundary I now need to put into place, especially if we've had that conversation of, hey, we need to recalibrate, I can't do those things that I was doing before or I won't and I won't let you also treat me that way anymore.
00:21:38.964 --> 00:21:44.039
So I think it's really interesting when we talk about just consistency over time.
00:21:44.642 --> 00:21:47.869
So the next one is celebrates you genuinely?
00:21:48.551 --> 00:21:55.643
This is somebody that does not compare themselves, they're not envious or there's a silent competition.
00:21:55.643 --> 00:22:17.721
That is something I have encountered so often over my years is there has been a silent competition I know nothing about and I see the head kind of pop up in conversations or just in the way that somebody is talking to me and it's like wait a minute, huh, Like what was that about?
00:22:17.721 --> 00:22:19.845
That was really.
00:22:19.845 --> 00:22:23.369
That sounded very, um, potentially envious.
00:22:23.369 --> 00:22:35.480
And again, if you're in a friendship where I want to see you win and you want to see me win I'm not saying that you're not human and that won't pop up, but that shouldn't dictate then how you treat your friend.
00:22:35.480 --> 00:22:40.987
You know, and even being honest about that, like when you told me that I was, my first feeling was envy.
00:22:40.987 --> 00:22:53.903
You know, my first feeling was a little bit of jealousy, but I realized that that was just something about me and my inner work that I need to do, Um, and really what that does is it shows you more about who the other person is and it does yourself.
00:22:55.027 --> 00:23:22.039
I love that you mentioned that too, because sometimes we have to check ourselves and so if you're on that other end where you want to be that authentic friend and you get some news, I mean I remember just in that example, I remember, you know, getting injured, not making it to the NFL, I'm working in a cafe, in a small business right in the airport, and one of my boys, a guy I played against in college he was at U of A when I was at Washington he's headed to Pittsburgh Steelers training camp.
00:23:22.039 --> 00:23:23.824
You know, rob, and I'm like man.
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