WEBVTT
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Hey Coupley Fit fam, Welcome back to another episode of the Coupley Fit podcast.
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We are excited for this episode, like most, and this is all about the pre-marriage blueprint keys to discuss before you say I do.
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I feel like nobody really talks about the things you should discuss before you get married.
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People ask you like, oh, when you having kids?
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When you having kids?
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When are you doing this?
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When you buying a house?
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Yes.
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Not like hey, these are some of the things that I would highly recommend you discussing, doing or like preparing for before you get married, and I feel like, for us, we learn so much and, obviously, being, you know, married for eight years, we can look back and think about the things that we maybe would have discussed or would recommend for somebody else.
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Yes, absolutely so.
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First and foremost, we are going to talk about family and children First.
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Do you want kids?
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I think that's a newer trend that we're starting to see now is that the younger generation, kind of in the 30 and below.
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I'm hearing very different perspectives.
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Some are saying I absolutely do not want kids.
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I just want to live with my significant other, travel the world, be able to financially not have to worry about kids and after-school programs and sports and everything that they may be involved in.
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But I think that's a key.
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We've heard some couples talk about, you know, not wanting kids in the beginning of their marriage, but then, when they do get married, somebody is saying actually I have baby fever now.
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Yeah, people can change up and I think holding space for that, that change up, right of like, is this a definite no, you don't want to do this, or is this a maybe or like a yes?
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I mean, I think back, I didn't ask this on like the first date.
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I know I asked on the first day, could you cook?
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But I did think, like man, I do wonder, like that was a I don't know, maybe like a fifth I don't know if it was fifth date, but basically, once we started doing more talking and dating like do you want kids?
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Was something that we did discuss.
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Because for me, like again, I'm, you know, I'm the second, but the second with my last name and, you know, got to pass on the next generation.
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So that would have been a deal breaker for me.
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If you'd have been like you know what, not interested I have no intention on wanting to have kids in the future I'd have been like you're stunning, I love you inside and out, but I don't know if you know, like that, that would have been a deal breaker, right?
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So I just think, for people that are thinking about man, is this the right person for me or we're dating like, take those things serious and don't assume that you can just change somebody.
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Cause people a lot of times, I think, are like oh, they're just saying that now, but they're going to get older.
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Or you know they're saying that now, but maybe once they hit this age they're going to then want kids and it's like no, that might really be who they are.
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Absolutely so.
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Two things actually that that you prompted me with.
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Number one was the number of children right so do we want kids?
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And then, if we do, how many right?
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You and I differ a little bit on how many you I mean, you just hit me with four, like a couple of months ago.
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I said excuse me that that was not something we discussed in the in the beginning, but being open to okay, this is how many I want.
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How many do you want?
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Let's come to a common ground, and then this is all too, if you're fortunate enough to be able to have kids.
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Cause.
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There's a statistic like one in six, you know, partners are not able to conceive, and so that's also why I think the pressure from outside where people are saying, when are you going to have kids?
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When are you going to have kids?
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You don't know somebody's journey, you don't know, especially for women, right, there's almost ingrained in us that, well, you're a woman, you're supposed to be able to produce kids, and if you can't, then there's something wrong with you and then maybe you're, you're less than and also just you can have that feeling yourself.
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So I think also just being very careful about asking couples when they're going to have kids, because you have no idea what their journey is like, and that was something I wanted to make sure I pointed out because, you know, we know some couples that have struggled with infertility and it's very, it's sad, it's difficult, it can be, um, even something that you know people start kind of growing apart or like pulling away from each other a little bit too, if, if you have grief, right, if there's miscarriages and things like that too.
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Yeah, it's a.
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It's a good point, and I just think about, about.
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You know, sometimes people can be insensitive yes, when they ask questions.
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I mean, I remember, you know, uh, one of my coaches, one of my football coaches from the University of Akron.
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He said, uh, how come you don't have any kids yet, man, are you shooting blanks?
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Oh my gosh, uh, no, oh my gosh, no, no, I'm not, uh, but we just, you know us waiting, having a business, those types of things.
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But it's just like sometimes people you know jump to a conclusion of like something wrong with you and I was like no man ain't nothing wrong like, but that's just like was his assumption by seeing, like, when you got married a few years ago, you haven't had kids.
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So I just think it's a really interesting topic.
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But being able to discuss that beforehand like think about being a caught off guard if maybe you discussed it, but if you hadn't, like you could kind of be blindsided.
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You know, you're like, oh, getting married, or you're on your honeymoon.
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You're like, oh man, I'd love to start a family.
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And they're like, no, I'm not interested in kids.
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You're like, what Awkward.
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Awkward and to add to what you mentioned too, is that when it comes to timelines, people feel like right, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.
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Whoever came up with that, saying they didn't mention the $23,000 that it costs, okay Estimated.
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This is not Kurt's stat.
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They say the stat's like $20,000 to $23,000 per kid per year, first year, right I think that's the first year.
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Yes, but like we were talking to somebody, they said child care alone could be $2,000 for the month.
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For each child and they have three kids.
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I was like you got to get two jobs just for child care.
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Right.
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And then when people are pressuring you or just asking you that question of when you're going to have kids, are you taking care of these kids?
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Good question, are you going to be babysitting these kids?
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These are all questions that people are like oh no, I just want to see it, I just want to look on you know.
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I just want to double tap on the gram.
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That's it.
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You know it's cute and I love it and it's like, well, hold on.
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Now there's true responsibilities that come with it and if you're not prepared for that, we've seen a of years because it's very expensive to have a child.
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Go ahead.
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No, I was saying to your point on the expensive side.
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That opens up another like element when you talk about, like the premarital discussion or the premarital blueprint, is finances.
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Yes.
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Like how are we?
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You know, some people have the dream of like, oh, I'm going to be a stay at home dad, or a stay at home mom, or you know, we're going to travel the world together.
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But it's like, okay, we.
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You just said you wanted three or four kids, so who's watching the kids?
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Are they traveling?
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Like there's so many.
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And it's not like being paralysis by analysis, it's more so just like having the initial discussion of like what does our life look like in a perfect world of?
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Because right now we don't have any kids, or maybe we're not married yet for some people, you're able to literally script this out and make a plan for what you would want life to be like.
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Absolutely, and you actually hit on a couple of points that we're going to get to, but quickly, just to wrap up on the kids piece as well, when you're thinking about having kids as well, like for us, we had multiple couples around us that didn't have start their family for five, six, seven years.
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So for us it's not uncommon that we're eight years in and we don't have kids yet.
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It's because we've also seen that around us and then also now in that example of the people that we were seeing how they were living was also different, living their best life.
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They're on a cruise every month they're they're getting up and going whenever you want.
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And that's one thing we also heard, because we did the due diligence, not only you know beforehand, before we got married, but also while we've been married, of asking parents hey, you know what changes right, Not only between your dynamic, but then also what changes just in your lifestyle.
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And one of the main things we heard was the get up and go.
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Freedom.
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The freedom and the get up and go.
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So we said, okay, well, let's try to kind of elongate this as long as possible, because once we have kids, we know for us and the way that we want to parent which actually goes into parenting styles is going to be very different.
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And then I also feel like, depending on where you are in your age, in our 20s, I don't think we had the patience to really handle multiple kids, and we've talked about that before.
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We were like, oh my gosh, I just feel like we wouldn't have been ready, although you're excited, right, like our goal was to have two kids before the age of 30.
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And then I said, oh no, let's do one kid first and then let me do my 30th snapback and then we'll have another one, right?
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But again, it's one of those things where you know you tell God your plans and he laughs, type of situation.
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And so I think this goes right into also parenting styles, right, when you talk about family and children, how do you want to parent your kids and are you both going to parent the same way?
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Are you going to be authoritative, authoritarian?
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Are you going to be there's also, hopefully, nobody's neglecting?
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But that's a part of the diagram.
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But how do you want to talk to your kids?
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I know for both of us.
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When we were looking at the parenting styles, one of them mentioned essentially like I'm the parent, you're the child, you do anything and everything I say, you don't have a voice.
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You, you know, are only.
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You're only going to be talking back to me if I talk to you first.
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Right, we said we live that lifestyle.
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That's very familiar.
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It's very familiar, and that's not what we're looking for.
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You know, as they say.
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It is easy to say you know.
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Stay in a child's place.
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Yes, Hold on.
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I'm just asking questions about what's for dinner, but then also like when do I stop becoming a child, right, you're?
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a child forever.
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Depending on who you're talking to, you're a child forever.
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Okay.
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So there's those pieces too right field are you looking for.
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And the other one that I know we mentioned when we were looking was we do like our kids will have a voice.
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We're going to be, you know, give you a choice on this is choice A, choice B.
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It's up to you to make that choice.
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We'll give you the tools and resources, but know that there's consequences, right, for each choice, and so don't be surprised if a consequence comes because of whatever choices you've made, right, and so on and so forth.
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On more of a teaching kind of mentoring, um style is what we are looking to do yeah, and I like that you said that too, because when you think about the teaching or just the approach and it, and for anybody that's listening, whatever approach you choose is totally fine, right, but it's being on the same page about that approach because so many times, if you're moving in different directions, it's hard to move forward right, and that, I think, is a barrier for a lot of people yes, and so then we can talk about family dynamics, right, what is your family dynamic within your group, like within your spousal group, but then also, what's the family dynamic outside, right, like your closest family, what does that look like?
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Are, are, do you have family members that are maybe a little bit more, we'll say, attentive, uh, or maybe overbearing, or that are very supportive, right, like looking at your family dynamic and saying like, okay, how does this correlate with not only us and our support system, but then also, as we were talking about, uh, your children as well?
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Yeah, and that's and that's such a great call-out too, because there's so many dynamics at play, right.
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Like, not only are you talking about, you know, the Bible talks about the greatest mystery is that of marriage and finding a spouse, right, but then when you think about that mystery, it's because two people are coming from two different worlds, two different experiences, lives, everything.
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But then you have families that come from different backgrounds, different places, all of that, and you're putting everybody into one room and you're saying we're now all coming together and how are we doing that and what does that look like?
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And I think something that is a really good topic to discuss and just to be mindful of is does each family feel like they're gaining a son or a daughter or do they feel like they are losing a loved one or immediate family member?
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Because, oh my gosh, you're now, you're, you're now with your spouse, or now you're spending more time there instead of with us, and hopefully it can be an addition versus feeling.
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It's like it's a subtraction from what you're currently used to yes, that was a great point.
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I appreciate you bringing that up.
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So next we're going to get into career aspirations.
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When we look at, you know, the top three reasons that families or, more so, spouses get divorced, it was career, finances and children, unfortunately.
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So that's why, if we talk about these things beforehand and see where each one of us stand, we'll have a better understanding of not only what the expectations are, but then also what we, what we want like, what are our, our aspirations?
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So, when it comes to career, what's the work-life balance?
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What does that look like?
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What are the expectations of the career as well?
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Like are, do you want to move up or do you like you know, kind of like, where you are and do you want to stay where you are, but then also moving?
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Are we going to move for our career?
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That is something, too, that you talk about uprooting, right, your entire family and, as we know, right, professional athletes.
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We've seen that time and time again, especially when you talk to some of your friends that are, you know, in the NFL, nba or the professional sports.
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The moving is difficult, where sometimes you'll have the family stay in one state because that's where they were originally, like, drafted, or that's where their team was, but now they have to move somewhere else the next year.
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And how difficult that must be to do that and uproot your family like that.
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Yeah, and to your point on the moving.
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You know you think about military is the same way.
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There's there's so many jobs when you're relocating that it can require potentially your spouse, especially if you have kids, to stay home.
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Yes.
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Right Like, and that's either way, male or female where you may have to stay home because you just moved, or your job.
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You know your partner's job is remote and I think that work element so many times.
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I think people miss the aspirational piece that your partner might have.
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Yes, see, like, no, I'm with someone that's aspirational and a lot of people want that.
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And a high achiever.
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Some people, a lot of people, want a high achiever.
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They say, like man, I really want a high achiever, I want somebody that has.
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You know, they're aspirational and they're hungry, they're driven, all of these things.
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but they're not ready when they're up at 4 am, Correct, and they're working 14, 15 hour days or they're traveling and different things where they're, they're in that mode where they're like I can only see what I want to get accomplished, and so there takes a lot of understanding in that sense, and I think about a great example.
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I mean the goat, Tom Brady.
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You know big time Patriot fan, TB12, but Tom right, it was like no, I still love the game.
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I may be 40, but I still love football.
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I'm still playing, I'm still playing.
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I goes to the Tampa Bay Bucs wins a Super Bowl.
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He's supposed to ride off in the sunset and he's like change of plans, I don't feel ready to ride off in the sunset.
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And it's like I can understand where he's coming from, because once the game ends, it ends, and he's been doing it for 30 years, right all of the things.
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But when you flip the switch and think about his partner and you think about Giselle or his wife ex-wife, you're like think about his partner and you think about Giselle or his wife ex-wife, you're like she thought you were done two years ago or five years ago and now it appears like you're choosing football over your family and now you could.
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Some could say you could lose your family or you're making a sacrifice, and I think that's so tough.
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But if you can have the conversation beforehand and then continue to have that dialogue, because I think it's not just a premarital blueprint or a premarital discussion, it's a continued discussion of like hey expectations.
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We've talked about that on different things, career wise, of like, hey, what's the vision?
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Are you planning to do this for five years, 10 years?
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Is this a short term?
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And I think just the open dialogue makes a huge difference.
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Yes, you're absolutely correct.
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And yeah, tom, that was.
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That was a sad moment.
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I mean then the roast.
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I mean they went in on time.
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I was like gosh, this is a goat.
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You guys are just tearing them down up here.
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I couldn't even believe it.
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The audacity humiliation that jump into finances, which you briefly talked about when we were mentioning family and children.
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So how are we going to budget, right?
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How much do we want to save our debt?
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How do we want to pay it off?
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Ie, student loans that's something that's a hot topic right now, where you know a lot of people are going into um, not deferment, but they are default.
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They're getting uh into default on their student loans and now, uh, wages are being garnished and now, you know, alimony even is being garnished.
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So it's it's really difficult there.
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What are your financial goals?
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And then also, I think what needs to be talked about before you get married is who is in charge of the finances, and it needs to be somebody, you know, that has the experience to be able to do that.
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It's not easy right to talk about finances at all when you have spreadsheets and you know all of the things that can come with it.
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But I know, even for us, when we first were married, probably our first three or four years, we had our, you know, joint bank account, but then we still had our separate bank accounts where we were just paying, like our individual you know, car insurance, car payments, right, those things.
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And then, once we started a couple of fit, you know, and finances are getting a little bit tighter because we are self-funding, it turned into like, okay, who's the best at managing these finances?
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Now, don't get me wrong, we were in our like 27, 28 when this conversation happened and, you know, we found out that I was better at managing the finances.
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And, you know you, something you mentioned to me was like I don't ever want to have to worry about finances.
00:18:11.759 --> 00:18:15.357
You know, I don't have to worry about, like you said, going to the gas pump.
00:18:17.682 --> 00:18:18.464
Moments you'll never forget.
00:18:18.464 --> 00:18:19.006
I knew that hit.
00:18:19.006 --> 00:18:19.607
I knew that hit.
00:18:19.609 --> 00:18:21.169
It's moments that you'll never forget.
00:18:21.169 --> 00:18:22.916
I still remember the pump and everything.
00:18:22.916 --> 00:18:26.751
When your car gets declined and you're like, oh no, I think there's.
00:18:26.751 --> 00:18:31.476
Then you check the app app and you're like, oh no, there's actually less money in there than I thought.
00:18:31.655 --> 00:18:34.818
And we're probably in the red.
00:18:34.939 --> 00:18:52.701
It's humbling, and so I think that experience of you not wanting to financially struggle and, to be honest, a big shift that happened for me that I realized too, was knowing everybody's strengths, yes, so sometimes you can be like, oh well, who managed the finances you know for your parents, or when you were growing up?
00:18:52.701 --> 00:18:55.404
Or the man is supposed to manage all the finances.
00:18:55.404 --> 00:19:00.484
I think it's to your point, who is the best person that's most equipped or fit?
00:19:00.484 --> 00:19:03.353
Like you were the treasurer at your high school, like that's a that's huge.
00:19:03.353 --> 00:19:04.395
Like you're the treasurer at your high school.
00:19:04.395 --> 00:19:14.810
If there's anything that's like a prequalification, that is one that is one.
00:19:14.830 --> 00:19:17.340
Secondly, for me, I'm very much more focused on like the drive and the, the like go out and go get it.
00:19:17.340 --> 00:19:31.682
And even like the day-to-day yes, but like the forecasting of like hmm, we've got to look at this for, oh man, some of those like I appreciate you focusing on that, because for me, I'm like I'm trying to secure the bag, like right now, today, we're on it, what are the deals we could close?
00:19:31.682 --> 00:19:41.981
And also kind of that like making more mindset of like okay, if I want to do more, it's not about, yes, cutting expenses, it's about we got to make more right.
00:19:41.981 --> 00:19:43.355
Like what are the ways I can do that?
00:19:43.355 --> 00:19:54.397
But I appreciate the mindset of like no, let's really get into the P&L profit and loss, let's really look at the spreadsheet and see that you've got way too many subscriptions and you're not even watching these shows.
00:19:54.397 --> 00:19:56.297
And I was like you know what?
00:19:56.450 --> 00:19:58.298
And to do an audit of your finances.
00:19:58.298 --> 00:20:00.455
And then something else, too, that we discussed before.
00:20:00.455 --> 00:20:04.739
You know, you were fortunate enough as an athlete to have most of your education taken care of.
00:20:05.854 --> 00:20:06.757
All of it taken care of.
00:20:06.757 --> 00:20:08.978
For me it wasn't the same.
00:20:08.978 --> 00:20:10.473
I had to take out student loans.
00:20:10.473 --> 00:20:13.632
I was working full-time but I was living on my own.
00:20:13.632 --> 00:20:14.493
I had my own car.
00:20:14.493 --> 00:20:20.036
Like I had a lot of bills during the time of being in college, so I did have some student loan debt.
00:20:20.036 --> 00:20:27.161
So we had that conversation before of, hey, how do you feel like this is kind of how much I have, and are we?
00:20:27.161 --> 00:20:30.011
How do we want to like pay this down and how do we want to go about it?
00:20:30.011 --> 00:20:33.541
And so having those candid conversations, they're not easy.
00:20:33.541 --> 00:20:37.450
I do recommend taking a few breaks in between kind of space them out.
00:20:37.529 --> 00:20:38.031
I'll never forget.
00:20:38.031 --> 00:20:39.817
You had all the numbers up on the whiteboard.
00:20:40.770 --> 00:20:43.019
And all the numbers just start blending together.
00:20:43.019 --> 00:20:45.512
You're like I'm in a fog right now.
00:20:45.554 --> 00:20:46.414
It was like the matrix.
00:20:46.414 --> 00:20:48.136
I was just seeing numbers and I loved it.
00:20:48.176 --> 00:20:50.059
I'm like okay we're going to do this, this, this, this.
00:20:50.059 --> 00:20:51.442
By this time we're going to be out of here.
00:20:51.442 --> 00:20:52.683
By this time we're going to be profitable.
00:20:52.683 --> 00:20:53.664
By this time we're going to do this.
00:20:55.130 --> 00:20:56.980
You're like yeah, great, I was like okay, how many?
00:20:57.000 --> 00:20:57.924
deals I need to close down.
00:20:57.924 --> 00:20:58.446
Yeah, like what.
