Building Communication That Lasts

Navigating Disagreements: Lessons from Nine Years of Marriage

Every relationship faces disagreements. Whether you've been together nine months or nine years, conflict is part of the deal. The goal isn't to avoid it—it’s to get better at handling it together. As we approach our ninth wedding anniversary, we're reflecting on the recurring challenges in our relationship and the strategies that helped us grow stronger through them.

It Wasn’t Always About Us

One of our earliest arguments happened in a nightclub in Scottsdale. Someone tried to get my attention while my husband's back was turned. I chose to quietly shut it down instead of calling attention to it and risking unnecessary drama. Later, when he found out through a friend, he felt betrayed that I hadn’t said anything in the moment.

That experience opened our eyes: not every fight is about what it looks like on the surface. Often, it’s not even about us, but about outside stressors, old triggers, or how we interpret each other’s actions. Once we started recognizing this, we were able to address the real issues—trust, communication, emotional safety—instead of getting stuck in blame.

Digital Boundaries Matter More Than Ever

In the early days, Snapchat and social media created more confusion than connection. We had to get clear on what felt appropriate in a committed relationship. Sharing random messages we received, keeping our online behavior transparent, and having consistent check-ins helped build trust.

These days, when “drop your handle” is often the start of dating, it's more important than ever to have real conversations about social media boundaries. What one person sees as harmless, the other might see as disrespectful. Clarity is kindness.

Rebalancing the Mental Load

Household chores were another friction point. We came from different backgrounds and had different ideas of who should do what. In the beginning, one of us carried most of the load, and resentment quietly built up.

Talking about it (early and often) helped. We realized it wasn’t about splitting things 50/50—it was about teamwork. Now we clean together, blast music, and treat it like a tag-team effort. The reward at the end (a treat, a night out, or just a high-five) makes it feel like a win instead of a chore.

Space, Texting, and Cooling Off

Our communication style evolved over the years. When tensions rise, we now separate into different rooms—not to avoid the issue, but to cool off without storming out. Texting during those breaks helps us choose our words more thoughtfully.

We’ve also adopted a “6-minute, 6-hour, or 6-day” framework. It reminds us to ask: How big is this, really? Most of the time, what feels huge in the moment is actually just a six-minute miscommunication—not a six-day disaster.

Faith Keeps Us Anchored

When words fall short, faith steps in. We’ve found that the closer we stay to God, the closer we stay to each other. Sometimes we’ll share a verse or quote during a tough moment instead of trying to explain how we feel. Those small, quiet gestures remind us we’re still on the same team—even when we’re upset.

Keep It Between You

Not every disagreement needs a group chat or a social media poll. Oversharing relationship conflict adds noise and often prolongs the issue. When we do need perspective, we turn to therapy—not the comments section.

We’ve found that even watching shows like Couples Therapy on Showtime can be helpful. It’s like learning by proxy—without dragging your relationship through the spotlight.

The Work Behind the Scenes

Understanding how conflict was handled in our own families helped us shift old patterns. Some of us grew up around silence or outbursts. Others around blame or avoidance. Doing the inner work—what some call “shadow work”—was uncomfortable but necessary. It helped us show up better, not just for each other, but for ourselves.

Nine Years Later

We’re not perfect. We still disagree. But each conflict has given us another chance to listen better, reflect deeper, and stay grounded in love. The goal isn’t zero conflict. It’s building the skills and emotional muscle to move through conflict with grace and growth.

What We’ve Learned

• Most fights are about something else—dig deeper.
• Set digital boundaries early and revisit them often.
• Division of labor should feel like teamwork, not a scoreboard.
• Take space—but stay connected.
• Faith can say what words can’t.
• Keep your business off the timeline.
• Self-awareness is the secret weapon.

Disagreements don’t mean you’re failing. They mean you’re real. And working through them—together—is what makes the relationship real, too.